OIN you say you have a hard time implementing the advice. What exactly do you find difficult about it? (I am not being jerky, I am really just trying to understand)
For me, I knew what I needed to say and do with my H but my H is a master at getting me off track. He can get you talking in circles until you can't even remember what the initial conversation was about. So I get it isn't always easy to remember all this stuff when you are in the heat of the moment.
When people fight change (generally speaking, not you or your W per say) there is a reason for it. So when I say you are afraid of your W I don't mean you are afraid for your safety. I mean you are afraid of doing something that will put the final nail in the coffin so to speak.
Don't fool yourself that your situation is unique. It's not. I know it feels unique because it is your life but it's all pretty run of the mill WAS stuff.
CG, I'm anxious to hear OIN's response, but he has stated several times, and very strongly, that what he fears is "not taking care of my wife, and pushing her away, and then someone else will."
(I'm paraphrasing, but not by much)
Personally, I think the woman has a lot of baggage, so I don't know if she's like a "9" or a "10" in the looks department or something, but between her attitude and her health, I honestly don't think anyone else is going to put up with her the way OIN does.
Not trying to be cruel or anything -- just agreeing with an observation that someone else had made previously, and I also think it's relevant since OIN has said, repeatedly, that THAT is his fear.
I have a feeling that almost no one on this green earth will support her in the manner of which OIN is. The reason i said almost nobody, because I know her father probably would. I hope her father wouldn't enable her current behaviors because it will mess her up to stay on it even if people allow it.
OIN should consider this. Might do a dumping strategy to get her to wake up.
I am guilty of enabling some bad behaviors which bassically messed up my current wife for the recent time being, nothing I could have done but left, but oh well. Going into this I would not do high maintenance for a "9 or 10", because to me its still a female. But I am guilty of having done it in this particular situationg. Coming out of it I won't do it again.
I decided to table something before, because we were focusing on other goals, but can you tell me why it is -- if they live so close -- that YOUR family has never even SEEN your house?
It seems to me that a first-time home purchase, for someone your age, is a big thing, worthy of celebration and acknowledgement?
When you don't take the advise we have seen work with others and keep doing things that we have never seen work, we get frustrated. We want you to find your balls again and stand up to this woman. We want you to do this to gain respect which makes you more attractive. She wants out. AGREE WITH HER THAT THIS ISN'T WORKING FOR YOU EITHER. Pack her stuff up, move her into another room. The master bedroom is now YOURS. Until you do this, there is no reason for us to help you anymore.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
True, it isn't working. He's enabling the current style of interaction, which isn't going to get anybetter. Its not going to get any better because her question is "why do I have to?", plus she's acting according to the way she see's it. I'm in the same boat.
When you don't take the advise we have seen work with others and keep doing things that we have never seen work, we get frustrated.
Isn't it interesting that OIN does the same thing with us as he does with his wife. Instead of REALLY LISTENING, and validating, he insteads tries to tell us (her) why WE are wrong, and how our feelings don't work for HIM.
Thanks for all the help, I appreciate it, seriously. I don't get "pissy" just really confused.
In DR/DB it is said that for every year that it was bad in a R it will that that many months, assuming no A. I am on month 6. the 1st month I had yet to discover DR/DB or this forum. Month 2 I started to DB by following DR book but then soon realized there was some type of A going on. I then came to this forum and got tremendous help. I confronted the A. I started to DB now at the recommendation of other posters which pretty much adhered to what is in the books but put emphasis on GAL and detaching (something I failed to get the hang of). After one month of this approach (not exactly following it as I should) I rediscovered the same EA. I then busted it with the assistance of many of you.
It was said that it should be "easier" to DB now that OM is out the picture and it may take 12 weeks from that time for her to get completely over him. That brought us to month 4-5 of my sitch. So Throughout this time many of you had suggested the same approach as you do now. I decided to go with a different approach suggested by a member of this board who I felt "got it."
The BIG PROBLEM is and has always has been I failed to detach. I hung of W's every word and over analyzed her every action.
SO in all I have DB for a total of 2 months without the interference of OM, why should I expect a turn around in such short time and switch to this approach? It is not the approach that has failed me but rather me failing to adhere to the guidelines of the approach.
If for months I had successfully GAL and detached from W all while doing my 180's and I would not hesitate taking this new approach.
PDT I would not say you "hit the nail on the head" but close. For years my W has been nothing but superb toward and I could not had asked for a better partner in life (honestly, she was amazing). I did and said the things I have over the course of 10 years and now my W is a COMPLETELY different person. I do not know who this person is. All this "baggage" is something new (besides her being ill often). I just think that my W is somewhere still inside this person she has become. There is so much guilt of "If I had not treated her the way I did then we would never be in this mess." I don't take all the blame for a failed marriage but I do take the blame for getting us to this point.
Quote:
OIN,
I decided to table something before, because we were focusing on other goals, but can you tell me why it is -- if they live so close -- that YOUR family has never even SEEN your house?
It seems to me that a first-time home purchase, for someone your age, is a big thing, worthy of celebration and acknowledgement?
We purchased the home in November. Soon as we moved in we started to make interior changes to the home. FIL helped with a lot of this. We get terrible winters up her in Buffalo and once the snow hit our efforts died down. Our sitch began in January, W lost all interest in the home and I became obsessed with our sitch. We would sparingly do updates here and there when things got a little better between us but the house was never in any condition to have company over. When W came to me 4 weeks ago and asked for a party and wanted to invite her family I thought it was a HUGE step in the right direct. The reason why it was just her family is because my parents are our tenants and my parents have hosted many gatherings with my family and they have had the opportunity to see our work in progress. We set a date and made every effort to make sure the house was presentable for the 26th. Things between us were going really well too and then they just started to fall apart because she got upset and I panicked and started talking R and since then she has just been pushing me away.
Quote:
Isn't it interesting that OIN does the same thing with us as he does with his wife. Instead of REALLY LISTENING, and validating, he insteads tries to tell us (her) why WE are wrong, and how our feelings don't work for HIM.
Hmmmmmmm. smirk
Puppy
I never said any of you were "wrong" what I am saying is, I thought I was DBing but I was not. I failed to GAL and detach and give W space. I am only saying should I not try the less drastic approach but do it right this time?
As for our sitch, W slept all day on her birthday. I went to work. W text me as she normally does when she was leaving for work and arrived at work, I did NOT respond to any of those message. I had a late night at work and court this morning and so was sleeping when W got home. She did not txt me when she left work as she usually does so she must had got the hint. W just simply came home laid in bed and went to sleep herself, we did not exchange any words just briefly glanced at each other and both went to sleep.
---------- Excuse me for jumping around here but I wanted to go back to something....
It was said to me countless times on this forum "OIN you are very fortunate and there are many people on this forum who would love to be in your place"
I read so many threads where the WAS is no longer in the home and would not give the LBS the time of day and here I am sleeping in same bed as W and still going out and enjoying activities with here.
All these things I hear W say, I have heard her say before and as many have told me "It's just script, DR/DB says listen to nothing WAS says and only half of what they do. Detach" I continued to fall for the script and get drawn into a R talk. I failed to detach.
I agree with limiting our interactions and not be around so much so W can observe my every move and word but should I really stop all interactions in a sense and no longer do anything with W?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
