You are incorrect about several things. I have been trapped in a legal battle for going on 27 months so I am aware of the proceedings.
A judge cannot force anybody to go to marriage C'ing for one year. Almost unheard of. I asked my attny about that a long while ago, he has been practicing family law for 34 years and never once had it happen.
There are several grounds to file under and you would be best suited to file under Cruel and Inhumane Treatment.
And no, the separation doesn't magically turn into a divorce after one year. You must file for the divorce after one year and the Separation Agreement serves as the divorce grounds to become a "no fault" divorce. To reach a legal separation in NY you must proceed the same as a divorce except you will be legally separated once the proceedings are over. I have been through it... both the divorce and separation proceedings and I am very well schooled in this.
Where on Earth are you getting this legal info from?
DO NOT under ANY circumstance put your W on your health insurance. Just don't do it.
Your marriage is classed as a "young marriage" (under 10 yrs in this state after ten yrs. it is vintage and things get VERY sticky) and since you both work/provide your own insurance there is a good chance neither of you would have to be support. But I would be VERY cautious about all your W's medical problems. If she does get a firm diagnosis she might be classed as an unhealthy person via the state (I am due to my Lupus) and that will change the game drastically.
And just so you know, a separation still requires grounds. You don't just go in and ask for a separation, you must have a formal Separation Agreement with formal grounds.
i am no veteran. and i can't believe i'm actually responding to this. but from one stubborn person to another.
listen to what CG, gucci loafer, coach, sandi2, etc .. say. they know what they are talking about.
i can't believe i'm responding to this because i was once as stubborn as you are now. giving excuses for not doing something. i'm not worthy to give advice because i'm still working on me. but i woke up a few weeks back.
i still fall back and spiral into a toilet bowl but i get what the vets are talking about.
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That is not the case.I am just telling you what lies ahead. So many of you are saying "tell her to leave" when legally I cannot.
why talk about what lies ahead? what about the present? how are you dealing with you in the present to prepare yourself for the future?
you say you are db-ing. what kind of things have you done or tried? reading the books don't count. what were the effects?
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I have thought about it long and hard and I am at the point where I am ready to let her go as so many of you suggested BUT there are so many variables involved that it is not that easy (for me at least because I am living it).
variables? what variables? you either drop the rope or you don't and smother her and drive her away.
Does the cruel an inhuman treatment have to occur during the marriage? If W makes these claims does she not have to have some proof? Not saying I would contest if she took it that far and made such accusations which she has done during our sitch.
I never said I was receiving legal advice, I heard such a thing on a radio show.
My W has said she has no grounds and too bad no-fault separation is not in affect or else she would have filed by now.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Yes, the cruel and inhumane treatment must happen during the marriage. When you file (be it separation or divorce) whoever files will have to complete a statement outlining the claims (as in what was cruel and inhumane). If you don't contest it, it will be much easier.
Cruel and inhumane treatment is sort of the catch all in NY to get the ball rolling. Your W has grounds if she wants to use them and so do you. Cruel and inhumane and just don't contest. You can also contest the grounds but not the action (divorce or separation).
Your W is all talk (and clearly has no idea what she is talking about). She can file for a separation under C&I treatment tomorrow if she wants to. Her statement would probably include the verbal abuse. It's all pretty standard and your marriage is so new assets won't be an issue other than the house.
Dude, you seem to get really pissy when I ask you a question. I am not an attny but I have been jerked around by this system for 2+ years and have a pretty high powered firm working for me. So what you hear on the radio is just talk. I have binder after binder of info so if you need info just ask and I will be happy to share. My case was a total mess for lots of reasons that would not be part of your case (yet - affair, illness, considerable assets) so it is VERY important to get cold hard facts.
An EA is considered cruel and inhumane and if necessary you do have documentation as well as involvement from her supervisor at work. She wants to play games with grounds then play right back. Your W is all bark and no bite.
That is not the case.I am just telling you what lies ahead. So many of you are saying "tell her to leave" when legally I cannot.
I have thought about it long and hard and I am at the point where I am ready to let her go as so many of you suggested BUT there are so many variables involved that it is not that easy (for me at least because I am living it).
Lets be clear I am not making excuses but providing the facts before us.
I will look into counseling again and this time use my insurance. I spoke with a co-worker tonight and I feel more comfortable about this now.
CG since we are both in NYS you know as I do there is no such thing as no-fault divorce. W cannot make claims of any incident prior to our marriage and even then she would need to provide occurrences. So the route she has to take is separation for a year that will turn into a divorce once the year has concluded. I heard from someone that they have made divorce that much harder in NYS that judges are forcing couples to one year marriage counseling before divorce can be finalized, so I heard...
I know divorces are messy and costly and I do not want to go through that hence why I am DBing.
You aren't DB'ing. What makes you think you've done any DB'ing?
You are doing things in your situation based on her reactions.
You are afraid to lose her.
She knows you're afraid to lose her.
She doesn't respect you.
Ask her to leave, don't "tell her", ask her. You can tell her that "this isn't working out" and then you can "ask her to leave".
Stop making up so many excuses.
You won't ask her to leave because you're afraid she'll do it. You're afraid to lose her. You're afraid you'll push her out the door as you've mentioned a few times already.
You also mentioned that your situation is unique, if I had a nickel every time a poster on this site said that LOL!
What is so "unique" about your situation compared to the countless others on this site?
You're not unique, your situation is just the same as nearly every other situation on this site.
Gucci has given you excellent advice but you're afraid to make use of it. He even started a new thread on this site that pretty much everyone can make use of - it works, for pretty much every situation.
Divorces are messy and costly for both spouses, not just you, you keep thinking that this will only affect you, it won't, it will affect her also.
And another thing, there is no such thing as being forced to go to marriage counselling for one whole year, that is a lot of marriage counselling, I don't think many couples ever go that long and I doubt anyone could be forced to attend counselling.
Let her go, you were given the speech template, use it, drop the rope and move on. She has a place she can go and you have the home you're currently in, after a year of separation she can obtain the divorce, you don't have to do it for her, let her do it all herself, if she wants out so much, let her go, if you really love her, let her go, she's not happy with you and happiness is a DIY job and she needs to learn that, you can't do that for her and you will continue to fail as you have been doing trying to make her happy.
Letting her go and moving on with your life is what you need to do and you've been given that advice from quite a few of us. Stop this insanity of kissing her butt and trying to keep her and save your marriage, continuing to do this is going to get you more of the same results you've had thus far.
You want different results, do something different. Your wife wants OUT, she doesn't want this marriage anymore, she wants freedom from you, give it to her, give her the one thing you haven't given her yet and give yourself the same gift.
Once you give her freedom from you and the marriage, you may very well see that this freedom for her will not feel at all like she thought it would feel like and she may very well want to come back and work WITH you instead of against you on this marriage when it's HER choice to do so and NOT forced on to her as it is right now.
That is not the case.I am just telling you what lies ahead. So many of you are saying "tell her to leave" when legally I cannot.
I have thought about it long and hard and I am at the point where I am ready to let her go as so many of you suggested BUT there are so many variables involved that it is not that easy (for me at least because I am living it).
Lets be clear I am not making excuses but providing the facts before us.
I will look into counseling again and this time use my insurance. I spoke with a co-worker tonight and I feel more comfortable about this now.
CG since we are both in NYS you know as I do there is no such thing as no-fault divorce. W cannot make claims of any incident prior to our marriage and even then she would need to provide occurrences. So the route she has to take is separation for a year that will turn into a divorce once the year has concluded. I heard from someone that they have made divorce that much harder in NYS that judges are forcing couples to one year marriage counseling before divorce can be finalized, so I heard...
I know divorces are messy and costly and I do not want to go through that hence why I am DBing.
You aren't DB'ing. What makes you think you've done any DB'ing?
You are doing things in your situation based on her reactions.
You are afraid to lose her.
She knows you're afraid to lose her.
She doesn't respect you.
Ask her to leave, don't "tell her", ask her. You can tell her that "this isn't working out" and then you can "ask her to leave".
Stop making up so many excuses.
You won't ask her to leave because you're afraid she'll do it. You're afraid to lose her. You're afraid you'll push her out the door as you've mentioned a few times already.
You also mentioned that your situation is unique, if I had a nickel every time a poster on this site said that LOL!
What is so "unique" about your situation compared to the countless others on this site?
You're not unique, your situation is just the same as nearly every other situation on this site.
Gucci has given you excellent advice but you're afraid to make use of it. He even started a new thread on this site that pretty much everyone can make use of - it works, for pretty much every situation.
Divorces are messy and costly for both spouses, not just you, you keep thinking that this will only affect you, it won't, it will affect her also.
And another thing, there is no such thing as being forced to go to marriage counselling for one whole year, that is a lot of marriage counselling, I don't think many couples ever go that long and I doubt anyone could be forced to attend counselling.
Let her go, you were given the speech template, use it, drop the rope and move on. She has a place she can go and you have the home you're currently in, after a year of separation she can obtain the divorce, you don't have to do it for her, let her do it all herself, if she wants out so much, let her go, if you really love her, let her go, she's not happy with you and happiness is a DIY job and she needs to learn that, you can't do that for her and you will continue to fail as you have been doing trying to make her happy.
Letting her go and moving on with your life is what you need to do and you've been given that advice from quite a few of us. Stop this insanity of kissing her butt and trying to keep her and save your marriage, continuing to do this is going to get you more of the same results you've had thus far.
You want different results, do something different. Your wife wants OUT, she doesn't want this marriage anymore, she wants freedom from you, give it to her, give her the one thing you haven't given her yet and give yourself the same gift.
Once you give her freedom from you and the marriage, you may very well see that this freedom for her will not feel at all like she thought it would feel like and she may very well want to come back and work WITH you instead of against you on this marriage when it's HER choice to do so and NOT forced on to her as it is right now.
And CityGirl, I can't help anymore either, I'm afraid. Everything at this point is just beating a dead horse -- "Asked and answered."
I will pray for you, though, OIN. For strength and courage and clarity.
OIN, don't take my post as me beating you up, I just tried to be as real with you as I possibly could, you need a dose of reality, so does your wife, just like PDT said above, I hope you find the strength, courage and clarity that will enable you to do what must be done.
I don't want you to get divorced, I don't want anyone to get divorced, I really do believe in the methods that have been prescribed to you by Gucci and Puppy and all the other veterans on this site, I believe in doing what works, and this is what works.
