The saga continues

[sandi2]

Some believe that when all else fails.....rely upon good old human nature to work. Do you understand what I mean? Your W is the same as throwing you away b/c she doesn't want you any longer. However, if she thought some other chick was looking at you with interest....her tune would change in a hurry if she stills loves you. If she really & truly doesn't give a donkey's tail flip about who, what, etc....then that is when I say it's REALLY over.

[gucci loafer]

What you are implying is that talking to a female would be the same as your W having an A with OM. That is not what Gucci would tell you. He's saying to GAL and start talking to other women and stop giving your WAW all your attention. She doesn't want it.....so start giving it to others and see what happens.

Well, I look at it this way...

YOUR wife was having an EA.. You have caught HER twice... right?...


The reality and the facts are showing that YOU are the one trying to save the relationship. SHE is the one talking to the opposite sex.

YOU are now NOT talking to the opposite sex and YOU are the one getting rejected.

So, in REALITY and TRUTH.. The person that wants someone else and has been mingling with the opposite sex is the one that has the spouse trying as hard as anyone has ever tried to save the relationship. It hasn't turned you against her in the least.. The reality seems to be that you want her more than ever, can't let go, are waiting on her every whim and would love nothing more than to be loved back..


The person that is NOT talking to someone of the opposite sex is getting rejected. The person not mingling or talking (notice I didn't say to get married or sleep with the first woman you have a good laugh with).. with the opposite sex is being told that it is over and seeing so much anger that things are getting thrown and broken..




It seems to me that what SHE is doing is the thing that is working and has brought you around. What are those things she is doing that brought you around? An EA, telling you she is done, taking away her love, pulling back, being in her own world etc. etc..


That is the reality that I see OIN..

[Ready2Change]

OIN,

You have a choice to make. You can keep doing what isn't working, or you can listen to the wise words of Gucci, Puppy, Sandi and Coach. I have seen the WAS change their tune when the LBS follows the advise of these very wise mentors......

Choose wisely.

My thoughts are with you.

[Four_More_Years]

I think I'd be going next door to mom and dad's.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Is it no possible to give a WAS speech and still remain in the same household and just detach?

detachment is something I have not been successful at apparently. We were both invited to friends for the 4th. We both, as it stand now, are invited.

The issue has been and I will admit I had a hard time following/implementing advice giving. I pursuit too much and when things got slightly better I'd jump all over it. She'd give an inch I'd go the mile.

I am currently in a detach state of mind where I was not before. So its not fair to say that the advice giving by other board members has failed but rather I failed to follow their advice.

I am also at the point where I now see the logic behind Gucci's approach but I am uncertain on how to apply to my situation and I don't want to follow through till I have it figured out.

Sounds to me, OIN, that your final four paragraphs kinda answer your own question that you pose in your first.

Puppy

[idontunderstand]

I hate to jump on the band wagon, but I recognize myself in you and your "fear" of letting go.

When I finally gave my W the "speech" and told her I didn't want to be in an open marriage and everything else that we are advised to say, she threw me some crumbs and I thought, "wow, they were right, this works, I am out of the woods." Like I said, she would leave me just enough crumbs to throw me off. I wanted things to improve overnight and stopped the detachment and tried to show her that I could win her back. The calm time would last about a week and things would revert back to the way they were.

I think I've given my W three of the speeches. I think I am finally there. I have talked to a L in the past and have an appt with a different one next week. I told my W that I agreed we needed to move forward with a S and D and since she was making no move to do so even after telling me that was the only thing that she wanted, I would initiate things on my own.

And guess what? The past couple of days, she has been friendly, talkative and pretty pleasant to be around. What does it mean? IDK. I do know that it won't last. My only hope is when I meet with the L next week and she knows I am doing "something" about this sitch instead of waiting and hoping for her to change her mind, that she will change her mind. And if she doesn't, that's okay, too. Enough of the eggshells and crumbs. It is no way to live. I have already mourned the loss of my wife and marriage. They are both gone, never to return.

The old me is gone, also.

So, it's out with the old and in with the new. You have to throw all of the old crap out, and I mean ALL of it, to make room for the new. It may be with a new, stronger M than before with a W who understands her part in the failure in the old M. Or, it may be just the new and improved you who has learned from your past mistakes and will not repeat them. Either way, you will be better than you are right now. Are you happy? Are you having any fun? I can't answer for you, only for myself, and the answer is no. I have fun with my kids, and when I GAL. I have got in touch with old friends who have missed me and enjoy my company. I do not have fun with my W because she refuses to let me in. And I have done a good job of pushing her away. When she is around, I only show her the happy, fun side of me that she hasn't seen in too long. She will not join in activties with me. It's okay, though. She has her reasons and feelings about the sitch that are as real to her as mine are.

We learn and and discover things at our own pace. I can't convince you anymore than those her who know a whole lot more about this than I do. Just think of what you have been through and the continued pain and confusion. What are you doing that works?

LET GO-of the fear and pain, of the uncertainty of the future and what it may or may not bring.

Could it really be any worse than you are feeling now?

[CityGirl]

Legally you cannot ask your W to leave if she is part owner of the home. I mean you can ask her but if she says no you will have no legal recourse.

What you CAN do is pack her up and send her to the guest room.

I agree, you are afraid of your W. Honestly, it would have been very helpful to know your ages and how short your marriage has been. For a long time I thought the two of you were much older and married for 10 years. Your W is only 25 today and really has been dating you since she has been a child.

Your W has lots of growing up to do in so many ways and the only way that might happen is for her to have to fend for herself. It sounds like her dad will pick up the slack but nothing you can do about that.

You were very mean to her before because you were afraid to lose her. You are now smothering her and trying to get her to see things "your way" so you don't lose her. Haven't you already kind of lost her? With that mindset you really have nothing left to lose.

You can't waffle though. You can't have a scene like you did then ask her 24 hours later to go see a movie.

I really think you could benefit greatly from C'ing. If you work for the law (officer?) it seems you would have something available to you. If you can afford DB Coaching sessions it seems you could use those funds for a C if you need to.

I would put your W up in the guest room and let her know you have decided this isn't working for you anymore. Detach, get your own life and proceed forward. Sit her down and let her know it is time to come up with some plans as far as what you will both need to contribute to manage the household/money until things are finalized. As per her patterns she will pitch a fit. Let her go move in with daddy or let her sulk and bitch at home. Either way don't let it get a rise out of you.

Once you start C'ing and your W prods about it I would simply tell her that you are in the middle of making some major life transitions and you are choosing to learn from your past mistakes to build the best future you can for yourself.

Your W is a "fighter" and I don't say that in a good way. She will do all she can do to suck you back in to her drama and childish ways.

[OfficerInNeed]

There is no longer a quest room. W and I decided to toss old bedset a couple weeks back.

Not only is she part owner of the house. We are first time home buyers, and we received the 8K grant from the gov. with that we both agreed to reside in the home for a 3 year period and not sell the hom before 3 years has expired, if so we have to pay the full amount back.

In what context do you mean afraid? Yes, I don't want to lose her and I am trying to convince myself I already lost her. Not only was I attached to my W but I am still attached to her family. They have absolutely no clue what is going on. This would devastate them but of course they would all side with W.

FIL will indeed pick up the slack. My W is his everything. Thats the thing, allowing time for W to miss me won't really happen because her father will be her crutch (along with the rest of her family. She has great family support, they all think the world of her).

I think W is growing up as we speak, she came out of her shell and finally seen things for what they were. W is very strong willed, once you break her trust, it is VERY hard to get back. As I mentioned long ago she has pretty much shut her own mother out.

I had gone to counceling provided by my employer but you are only allowed so many sessions before they refer you to someone else. My insurance does cover it I believe but was advised not to use insurance for such purpose because it will cause alarm and could cause issues for my employment.

I had gone to a theraphy session but did not think the therapist could help with my situation and it was suggested to dump her. I started to talk to a pastor at church. W has knowledge of me seeking help but can careless. As she had put it "pat yourself on the back" , "I'm glad your making youself better, you can make someone else happy" I posted such comments in the past and was told "don't listen to anything W says it is right in DR/DB book."

Yes I shelled out the money for DB coach in hope it would improve my sitch. I wanted to make sure at the time I tried everything possible. I have still yet called for my last session because as you have alluded to earlier they don't grasp the whole state of our sitch.

[CityGirl]

I am honestly at a loss as to what else to tell you. It seems you always have a reason why you can't do something.

Don't have a guest room anymore because you threw out the old bedroom set? No problem! Head to Target and get a blow up mattress. Instant guest room.

Divorce is messy and expensive and contracts and obligations have to be paid. If you do divorce it won't absolve you from your obligation to the contract you signed for your home but the two of you will simply have to pay it. It's how these things go.

C'ing isn't for your W it would be for YOU. How could you know after ONE session the therapist could not help you? And C'ing sessions are private and I believed covered under HIPPA laws so you would be protected.

Honestly, you are a hard read. It was just y'day after months of posting where it was made clear you had only been married for 9 months and your W only turned 25 today and she has already had an affair. You always have said "together for 10 yrs" which I assumed (incorrectly) meant married 10 years.

Maybe Puppy or somebody will have something to say that can help you out but I really don't know what else to offer. It just seems you always find a reason why you can't. You don't seem to want to take any tangible steps to detach or GAL.

[OfficerInNeed]

That is not the case.I am just telling you what lies ahead. So many of you are saying "tell her to leave" when legally I cannot.

I have thought about it long and hard and I am at the point where I am ready to let her go as so many of you suggested BUT there are so many variables involved that it is not that easy (for me at least because I am living it).

Lets be clear I am not making excuses but providing the facts before us.

I will look into counseling again and this time use my insurance. I spoke with a co-worker tonight and I feel more comfortable about this now.

CG since we are both in NYS you know as I do there is no such thing as no-fault divorce. W cannot make claims of any incident prior to our marriage and even then she would need to provide occurrences. So the route she has to take is separation for a year that will turn into a divorce once the year has concluded. I heard from someone that they have made divorce that much harder in NYS that judges are forcing couples to one year marriage counseling before divorce can be finalized, so I heard...

I know divorces are messy and costly and I do not want to go through that hence why I am DBing.