After following along with your posts, imo, you are so afraid you are going to 'do' the wrong thing that you read other posts and take from them what YOU feel will help YOU not your sitch.
Again imo, I think if you were to go back and reread your posts and try to detach yourself from them being 'your posts' and think of them as someone else, maybe, you could see what everyone else is seeing.
You NEED to let go of your guilt. This is HER CHOICE!!! You cannot change how she FEELS!
And lastly, please listen to your 'GUT' and NOT your heart. The 'gut' most generally knows....we have to learn to listen.
Please follow the advice of these wonderful people. (Puppy, CG, Gucci) They really are trying to help you.
Believe me I KNOW how hard it is to let go.....but, I wonder if you are hanging on because all YOU have known is her for your adult life.
Change is scary, but, I think it is time to listen.
I wish you all the best....gg
M55 H55 my D31 H D30 1st met her when she was 25 M 22yrs...2nd for me, 1st for H OW 2005 mother of H daughter, came back to introduce D 1bomb 6/05 2bomb 7/08 3bomb 2/10 moved up north
After following along with your posts, imo, you are so afraid you are going to 'do' the wrong thing that you read other posts and take from them what YOU feel will help YOU not your sitch.
And lastly, please listen to your 'GUT' and NOT your heart. The 'gut' most generally knows....we have to learn to listen.
Please follow the advice of these wonderful people. (Puppy, CG, Gucci) They really are trying to help you.
Believe me I KNOW how hard it is to let go.....but, I wonder if you are hanging on because all YOU have known is her for your adult life.
Change is scary, but, I think it is time to listen.
Exactly. You have to let go and detach. It is hard and I am almost completely there. You have to quit using your feelings and do whats right. Try to let it come naturaly, don't force yourself, the spouse can see it. If I do something wrong, I make a big note of it...DONT DO 'THIS' AGAIN.
What I see on your post is you are not validating her. My W almost always brings up our past 10 years somehow in every conversation. I have learned to shut up and listen. Listen to her every word, and validate her needs, concerns, and needs. It is starting to work. She knows I won't argue with her, but am now listening. It is slowly working, little by little.
You need to stop arguing. As Coach said in a previous post,
Agree
Drop the Rope
Validate
Just these 3 (plus the others) make a big difference and is a great start.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
If you can, pick up the book 'the languauge of letting go' by Melody Beattie. Its a daily devotional but it was the single most helpful book I've read.
I was following along in Gucci's other thread and another poster asked "What do you do if you still live together." Gucci you gave two options.
1. Ask her to leave 2. Start talking to friends of opposite sex.
1. We both own the home and she refuses to leave. We own a side-by-side duplex (decision we made) and rent the other side out to MY parents (decision we made). So I am not leaving.
2. Not happening.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
1. We both own the home and she refuses to leave. We own a side-by-side duplex (decision we made) and rent the other side out to MY parents (decision we made). So I am not leaving.
Why not?
Quote:
2. Not happening.
Why not?
Friends don't bite.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
And stay where? I am still responsible for the mortgage no matter where I stay, and why should I leave my own home.
Is it no possible to give a WAS speech and still remain in the same household and just detach?
detachment is something I have not been successful at apparently. We were both invited to friends for the 4th. We both, as it stand now, are invited.
The issue has been and I will admit I had a hard time following/implementing advice giving. I pursuit too much and when things got slightly better I'd jump all over it. She'd give an inch I'd go the mile.
I am currently in a detach state of mind where I was not before. So its not fair to say that the advice giving by other board members has failed but rather I failed to follow their advice.
I am also at the point where I now see the logic behind Gucci's approach but I am uncertain on how to apply to my situation and I don't want to follow through till I have it figured out.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I spent months trying to bust an EA between W and OM. Would that not be contradicting and hypocritical "Don't talk to OM but I'm going to talk to females"
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Would that not be contradicting and hypocritical "Don't talk to OM but I'm going to talk to females"
Not when you agree with her and start working on the D. Not advocating you start dating or have a EA/PA.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I spent months trying to bust an EA between W and OM. Would that not be contradicting and hypocritical "Don't talk to OM but I'm going to talk to females"
Are you telling me that you don't talk to anyone of the opposite sex?
What you are implying is that talking to a female would be the same as your W having an A with OM. That is not what Gucci would tell you. He's saying to GAL and start talking to other women and stop giving your WAW all your attention. She doesn't want it.....so start giving it to others and see what happens.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What I am saying is I DO NOT have friends of the opposite sex. Yes I talk to people of the opposite sex, I work with them. I would have to go out and make friends.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
