Last entanglement in Paris

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Warrior,

Buddy...

Start your own thread here, and hang around. You'll grow here.

Things won't be better for you once this is all over...and when exactly Is it all over? The divorced guys around here still have to interact with their X wife.

It won't be better...it won't be worse...it WILL be different.


And you get a choice in making it different?

Don't like flowery crap in your bathroom? Get rid of it. Like palying poker and smoking cigars while you do it?

Make changes FOR you by YOU.

[sleeper]

You do not think you would be in a better place if you had taken a harder stance earlier?

I dunno. It's a good question and I am very acomplished at second guessing myself, have been as long as I can remember.

My taking a harder stance would have had no impact on X's actions, of course, but I probably would have second guessed myself to death over the possibility that taking a softer stance might have had some effect on the outcome. Financially I MIGHT have come out better, might not have and at what cost in terms of legal fees and ill will between us?

DD is a very sharp cookie with a very sweet soul. About 6 months ago she asked me why X got the better car (she totaled it), the house and the business. I was speechless for a moment at the observation she had independently made and I don't remember exactly how I responded. More recently she basically asked the same question and opined "it just doesn't seem fair." I have little doubt that the same questions and comments aren't made when DD is with X. Someone has to be the bigger person and set the example for the kids when children are involved in these situations. I feel I have accomplished that if nothing else.

The worm is beginning to turn. The kids would rather be with me than her and I believe she knows it. She is experiencing the loss of family now as evidenced by her threats of seeking full custody (over my dead body) and her missing the kids during certain holidays. She is in for more than one shock as the kids will be with me now on Christmas mornings as "our" house that I have bought from her is where they have experienced Christmas for the past 5 years and shall continue to do so. Halloween shall continue to be celebrated there as well as a big party has been a tradition.

I was a late bloomer (always appeared to be years younger than I was).

Maybe I'm a late boundary setter too.

[warriorshadow]

Jack,
Forgive me for my incompetence but I am a newbie in all of this forum stuff. Looked at FAQ's on how to start my own thread like
you suggested and did not see how. I don't want to keep trespassing on others threads. I figure I have a lot to learn and
such a long way to go. Could you please enlighten me on how to start? Then, from what I thought I saw in FAQ's, the moderator can move my two posts I have made to that thread. Thank you for
your kind words.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Incompetence? Like you don't have enough going on in your lfie huh?

When you get to the forums or boards (specifically Midlife Crisis)

At the top of the page you will see:

Divorcebusting.com » Forums » Open Forums » Midlife Crisis

Forum List My Stuff Active Topics Search FAQ

New Topic Forum Options

New topic is the button you want to hit.


Then type away.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Sleeper the minute you think I am being TOO harsh with you let me know and I'll stop, but do yourself the favor of addressing why it bothered you.

I'm going to pick this apart:

My taking a harder stance would have had no impact on X's actions, of course, but I probably would have second guessed myself to death over the possibility that taking a softer stance might have had some effect on the outcome. Financially I MIGHT have come out better, might not have and at what cost in terms of legal fees and ill will between us?

You are coming from a place where deep down I feel that you still think you can get your wife back through your actions, you almost count on it.

My taking a harder stance would have had no impact on X's actions, of course,
why bring it up to me then?
but I probably would have second guessed myself to death over the possibility that taking a softer stance might have had some effect on the outcome.
much like you are wondering right now

About 6 months ago she asked me why X got the better car (she totaled it), the house and the business. I was speechless for a moment at the observation she had independently made and I don't remember exactly how I responded.

THAT is an awesome question...WHY did you, deep down honest answer Sleeper. Why did you? If you can fool yourself you can fool anyone if you can lie to yourself then you can lie to anyone and if you start believing those lies, then you are a fool.

I am NOT saying that you are lying or that you are a fool, I am asking you to be painfully honest with yourself and examine your motives and expectations very carefully.

The answers you give the kids are cool and good, yes someone must be the bigger person...lets actually hope it is both of you not just one of you.

Setting boundaries is'nt a ploy or a trick or a trap, it is NOT vindictive, they are for you and your well being, your MENTAL health.

For no reason beyond what is best for Sleeper, and I think you have been giving in so much because deep down you think she might wake up and see how awesome you are because you give and give and give.

I think you forgot or believed that having your x wife in your life...no matter the cost WAS what you imagined was the best for Sleeper.

I think you are just begining to see that....that might not be true.

[ericmsant2]

Sleeper,

I think you forgot or believed that having your x wife in your life...no matter the cost WAS what you imagined was the best for Sleeper.

Look at this quote VERY closely...VERY....take your time to really think about this.

Eric

[forward]

Sleeper, Now that I am divorced, I have cut contact w/X. I strongly recommend this. Give it months, years even, to become fully detached from her. You may see her in a different light.

I have been dating. It has been difficult in some ways, but I also feel my world has expanded some and that has been good.

I would suspect that your X would have a hard time getting full custody. Your L could advise, but my guess is that it would not be easy as I am told that courts like to keep continuity for the kids.

I would suggest the book about getting past your break up. Do the exercises in it. You will understand why you got involved w/the X and also how to avoid similar types in the future. You will begin to be able to deal with the idea of abandonment as well.

Learn to be comfortable with yourself and things get easier.

Most important: cut all contact that is not essential.

[sleeper]

#1

I don't believe I can "get my wife back" now. I admit I did at one time. Lately I've been having major moments of not even recognizing my wife in this person any longer.

#2

Do YOU believe a harder stance would have made a difference? I don't. I think things would have only been a great deal uglier. If I accomplished anything it was a reduction in the amount of ugliness experienced by myself and my kids, albeit at a price.

#3

It's really complicated (no excuse, no sh*t). If I had it to do over the only thing I would have done differently is I would have fought for the house. The business property was (still is) wrapped up in the inheritance issues of which she has already been ripped off once. Although legally community property, she would have fought me to the gates of hell and spent every dime she and I had (or didn't have) over that property. She would have gone "nuclear option" and child custody would have been brought into the fight. I didn't want that. The house didn't have much equity in it but was an emotional issue for her. Her husband got the house in her first divorce and she was determined that would not happen to her again.

As the counselor told me and I believe I was catching the hell due every mand in her life who had ever done her wrong. Her biological father raped her (making our D's rape all the more painful), her stepfather molested her and screwed her and her brother out of her inheritance when her mother died, a long-time friend of hers raped our D, her uncle screwed her out of her inheritance when her grandfather died (recent developments indicate that may not be a done deal yet and conflict is developing).

That's a lot of man-sh*t to be on the recieving end of.

I wanted to save our marriage.

I felt guilty for my failures in the marriage.

I had compassion for her (having knowledge of her history).

"I am what I am" Popye, the sleeper man

[Truegritter]

Sleeper

Never posted to you but just wanted to say I have same sitch with W.

Childhood sexual abuse.

Worse than murder IMO in how many lives it affects and for the duration of time they suffer.

It is MLC with nuts on top. Inevitable that they at some point have to deal with it.

My W was diagnosed with PTSD from it.

Anyway just wanted to let you know you've a comrade in arms...

Me? W is still in MLC I guess may still be with OM don't know so ...

I am just healing.

Hope you are getting on with the same.

[sleeper]

I hear you, Trugritter. I send my thoughts and whatever strength I have left out to you.

I was researching the effects of child sexual abuse upon individuals when I happened upon PTSD. As I studied trying to figure out what had happened to my X I realized much of what I was reading described me. When I mentioned this to my C he agreed.

I know X is damaged goods. I always did but it is more obvious now than ever. She says she is going to kill the perpetrator when he gets out of prison. I was shocked when she told me this. Funny thing is she stopped me when I was on the way to do just that years ago.

I've shocked myself of late with the thought of telling her she won't have to kill him because I am.

"Now is the summer of our discontent..." Hamlet