Sleeper, I understand what you're saying, but I am glad that I tried these things. For one, they enabled me to learn and grow as a person. For another, I can honestly know that I did my best.
We're in the same place again. It wouldn't surprise me if we now get some expressions of remorse or regret, but, like you, I am not holding my breath.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I don't really know where to begin. It's as if had someone asked what I thought could be the worst outcome of this mess 3 years ago it would have been a description of where I am now:
Divorced Lost 50% of time with kids X married to the jackass she was seeing before separation Financially burdened Intermittant emotionally vitrolic spew from X Kids maturing to recognize and comment on the sitch Season tickets to an dysfunctional emotional freakshow
Recently X got her feelings hurt because it was DS's bday and I had custody that week. Her solution to this is to seek full custody thus preventing it from happening again. She actually asked DD which one of us she would like to live with given the choice. This upset DD who came to me about it (how I found out). So now I get to deal with the possibility of this fight while cleaning up the emotional damage of X's selfish actions. Like I said, it sucks and just keeps on sucking.
The Karma in this is both children have told me they didn't tell X but they would rather live with me than her (and new husband). I have not confronted X with the impropriety of her question to the kids or the disappointment she will face if she presses the matter.
I'm angry, I'm sad and the best part is it looks like this nightmare will never end.
"One more thing" Detective Columbo
I got off my antidepressants a couple of weeks ago. I never intended to take them for the rest of my life. All this proves ther never is a "good" time to do something like that.
Last edited by sleeper; 06/30/1010:33 AM.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
You gave some good but, early in my opinion advice to Sparks about boundaries with his wife. Why aren't you taking your own advice when it comes to your wife?
For what you have written it always seemed like you bent over backwards for her for little more than the possibility that she smiles.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
...it always semed like you bent over backwards for her for little more than the possibility that she smiles.
Yes I did. I was often over accomodating.
Why? I was not functioning for several years before we separated. A counselor says it was PTSD and from what I've read I must agree. I was acting out of guilt. The shock of "the bomb" and getting on meds (that had not been identified for treatment of PTSD until just prior to bomb) allowed me to reflect on what I had put her through for the previous 4 years. I felt responsible to a large degree.
The same counselor described what happened to our marriage as "the perfect storm". Our child sexually assaulted, a two-year trial of the perpetrator, I develop PTSD, our boookeeper takes advantage of the distraction to steal us blind, X's closest relative dies, another relative takes action and successfully denies her inheritance(2nd time that's happened to her), X goes into MLC, a self-centered Jackass in hot pursuit. Our marriage never stood a chance.
Did I do the right thing? Would anything have been different had I made other choices? I seriously doubt it. I could have fought her harder on the financials but there would have been no guarantee of the outcome. I believe worse as she has been ripped off more than once and was in a hyper-defensive mode.
Everyone must make their own choices as to how to respond. We must do what is right for us personally.
When all is said and done we are gonna do what we are gonna do.
"Got do"?
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Brother, I am not referring to any of the legal outcomes, or who has what or any of that stuff, I am referring to how it AFFECTS you. You.
Right wrong? As in right being married still? Pfffftp. Right wrong as in how the hell is Sleeper over all today right and wrong. Are you 'right' most of the time as in doing well feel good? Not 'right' as in correct.
Not to put to fine a point on it.
You do not think you would be in a better place if you had taken a harder stance earlier?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
When all is said and done we are gonna do what we are gonna do.
Despite people offering advice?
That kind of seems to me, like no matter what people cannot change, and that statement pretty much allows for...hey I know being fat is bad for my overall health but Ahh...I'm fat what am I going to do about it? Thanks for trying to offer me ideas about how to improve my health, but I'm just going to eat this donut and bit ch about being fat.
Its like laying down in the train tracks and saying that your choice is inevitable.
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"Got do"?
I actually like that very much.
I do.
Do you?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Recently X got her feelings hurt because it was DS's bday and I had custody that week. Her solution to this is to seek full custody thus preventing it from happening again. She actually asked DD which one of us she would like to live with given the choice. This upset DD who came to me about it (how I found out). So now I get to deal with the possibility of this fight while cleaning up the emotional damage of X's selfish actions. Like I said, it sucks and just keeps on sucking.
The Karma in this is both children have told me they didn't tell X but they would rather live with me than her (and new husband). I have not confronted X with the impropriety of her question to the kids or the disappointment she will face if she presses the matter.
Keep doing your best to protect them as much as you can. I would leave it up to your X when it comes to repairing and improving her relationship with them though.
I wouldn't say anything or confront her on this matter. I wouldn't say a word. If she presses for custody let her find out all on her own.
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I'm angry, I'm sad and the best part is it looks like this nightmare will never end.
I understand this completely. Please be careful, make sure your actions and words aren't fueled by this. Keep working hard and find healthy ways to release this.
I know the whole feeling of it never ending too. I don't believe it ever totally will when there are children involved. I do believe it gets better though.
I have no desire to share my life with my ex. None.
Sharing and being a part of the children's lives will never end. Keep working hard for their sake. Keep showing them better.
Jack and Sleeper, You guys are great. I have gained much from all of you and it helps me get through the day. I have 3 boys 7, 9 and 12 and the C says she is over halfway on the MLC. Meanwhile I just got the report from one of my inside coworkers that My W and the OM were spotted by one of her coworkers in a local supermarket parking lot being more than just friends, embracing, kissing etc.I am one month out from the D day and it has been extremely hard for me of course since I take care of everything now at home while she leaves and needs her space. The Doc calls OM a fantasy and makes lite of it but still it stings badly. I know her childhood was neglect by her father but it still is tough to just let it go and let God. Everyone I have confided with says I have become stronger and will make it through. I keep hearing the "Things will be much better for you after this is over" line from friends but the faith in this gets shaky with me. You guys show so much strength in this I don't know how you do it. My W is heading exactly for sleepers scenario and his W sounds just like mine. It is scary to look at the future like Ebeneezer Scrooge when I read the posts. My boys will have to suffer through this when she has her 50% custody and it will be excruciating for me. I love my boys more than anything in this world and holding out for the Alien to return from the mothership has got me screaming inside. Doc says she will come your way and then pull back. Yup, experienced this lately but when the mothership activates the tractor beam it just seems hopeless. I am DBing at all times and it has paid off but as the D day creeps closer, It just doesn't seem fast enough. As far as I can tell, no rock bottom has been hit so I am going to have to fasten my seatbelt. I hate having to rely on friends to hear my sitch but they have been awesome for me to get some kind of sanity in my head. I always thank them so they know that I really do appreciate listening to the unbelievable stuff about someone they once knew as my W. They are all baffled too. They all envied our marriage before the bomb was dropped. It sure was a blissful marriage for me and my W bragged about me being a good father/husband to everyone she met. Thanks for letting me vent here.
Hang in there, Sleeper. You did as well as anyone could have by your X, but maybe she is just too badly damaged. It's not your fault she's a mess, and it is not and never was your job to fix her. Where was her empathy and concern for you when you were in the throes of PTSD?
Your D is a different story. She will be okay despite all that has happened to her because she has you.
