It's a script of sorts for when you are under attack. I think it matters if you really feel it though, and if you send off an email, it might come across like you were sitting here and stewing over it, and then came up with that. A tad bit artificial IMO.
I think you should look her in the eyes when she is saying it's over, and then calmly be able to say it's not going to work if there is going to be cheating, smashing of things, and boundless resentment.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
If I don't bring up R talk my W wont either and that is where I went wrong yesterday.
So to be able to utilize that script I have to just come out and say it.
Now usually, when W brings up leaving/divorce, respond with a constructive positive response like "that will not bring long term happiness" or "I will continue to work on this marriage myself but it would be much easier and faster if we worked together" these constructive snippets came at the suggesting of a DBer who, from what I read, normally suggest the tough approach.
I have not really attempted the counter intuitive responses and when I did I failed at making it sound sincere but came off as a jerk instead.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Now usually, when W brings up leaving/divorce, respond with a constructive positive response like "that will not bring long term happiness" or "I will continue to work on this marriage myself but it would be much easier and faster if we worked together" these constructive snippets came at the suggesting of a DBer who, from what I read, normally suggest the tough approach.
This is where I disagree with Allen, OIN, for whom I have the utmost respect. As pro-marriage as I am, I just think there comes a point where "enough is enough," where the emotional damage by staying outweighs the fight for the marriage. And you get the DOUBLE benefit of that it can be THE most powerful weapon in your arsenal (but one that you CANNOT bluff, you must TRULY be ready to walk).
This is tough because we still live together. I cannot force her out either. I don't want her out but I also don't want this sitch to continue as it has. I am not willing to be the one to file for separation and D, I want her to do all the work, if that is what she truly wants.
For someone who wants a D she certainly put on a great front when family is around. W said that FIL knows all about her plans of leaving and I don't doubt he does but he too is putting on a great front because here he was in our home talking about how he would like to help improve it and W having conversations to FIL about same.
I think first it will help to do what CG has suggested all along and is to make myself less available and not allow W so much time to observe me. This will also help me detach and maybe then the idea you and a few others suggest will be easier for me.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I think first it will help to do what CG has suggested all along and is to make myself less available and not allow W so much time to observe me. This will also help me detach and maybe then the idea you and a few others suggest will be easier for me. [/quote
Well, that's the GOOD news, OIN. Because there are a whole host of things like that that you haven't tried yet, you do have some "middle ground" you can plow. I pray it will be fertile for you, and you won't have to resort to more drastic measures perhaps.
"I need to run to the store for a pack of smokes (or a 1/2 gallon of milk, or I need to run to so-n-so's house, etc) I'll be back in 15 minutes."
Then you come back at 1 or 2 in the morning. and say, "oh, I lost track of time. why do you always have to argue and control me."
The WAW speech? Words don't mean a damn thing. Right? if you are actually walking away, they won't believe anything you say and only half of what you do anyway. Right? Isn't that what half of this board lives by?
And if you really "love them but ain't in love with them anymore" do you have anything to say to them other than a look that says (why are you still in my live) it all.
Otherwise, you aren't walking away. Words. Words. Words. You still are emotionally attached; you are just pretending.
What speech were you given, if any? or was it more of a cold shoulder and repeated rejected requests for sex and all the time and energy she use to spend talking, and dreaming and waiting for you is now funneled elsewhere. Actions.
Some people talk about fighting emotion with logic and how that clearly doesn't work, but I think it is important to take that 1 step further in many of these cases, in that, it seems alot of the time men like to ARGUE what is so good about a relationship when their wife, girl-friend, partner doesn't see it or want to see it and has had enough, specifically the arguing and the trying to control the relationship by continuing it. That needs to stop. Do you ever read other peoples threads on here, specifically men who write, "I never say it coming. She never said anything. For the past six months she has been emotionally distant and cold. Now she is talking/seeing/dating ..."
Actions that break hearts. That is the WAW speech.
W said things like "too little too late" , "go make someone else happy" , "Life is unfair and you'll learn that soon" , "your just wasting your time, this marriage is nothing" you name it she said it.
she said it. but more importantly how does it make you feel? what is your gut reaction to this? what needs to be done so you don't hear it again?
. . . it seems alot of the time men like to ARGUE what is so good about a relationship when their wife, girl-friend, partner doesn't see it or want to see it and has had enough, specifically the arguing and the trying to control the relationship by continuing it. That needs to stop. Do you ever read other peoples threads on here, specifically men who write, "I never say it coming. She never said anything. For the past six months she has been emotionally distant and cold. Now she is talking/seeing/dating ..."
Actions that break hearts. That is the WAW speech.
W said things like "too little too late" , "go make someone else happy" , "Life is unfair and you'll learn that soon" , "your just wasting your time, this marriage is nothing" you name it she said it.
she said it. but more importantly how does it make you feel? what is your gut reaction to this? what needs to be done so you don't hear it again?
Too many of these excuses are cliches. Yes it sounds good, but its bullshit.
W said things like "too little too late" , "go make someone else happy" , "Life is unfair and you'll learn that soon" , "your just wasting your time, this marriage is nothing" you name it she said it.
she said it. but more importantly how does it make you feel? what is your gut reaction to this? what needs to be done so you don't hear it again?
Well it use to make me feel as if all hope is gone and that I had to do something to fix it. I still get that feeling but it lasts very briefly and I get upset in a sense. Yes, W claims she put up with it for 10 years and only after she dropped the bomb did I begin to change but the fact is I made the changes and now that is not good enough for my W.
What gets to me the most is our home is a very inviting place. We worked very hard to get it to where it is now. Up till a two days ago R talk is something I had not initiated since I found this forum and DR book. For the most part the only negativity here was that in which my W projected. So needless to say I tried to make being at home pleasant experience for her. Last night she tells me "I cannot stand being here, I am annoyed and aggravated"
As for today.
W left for work told me she was leaving and I said "OK, bye" and W left.
W arrived at work and as per HER routine txt me, I did not respond. W later txt me to tell me her Dr. apt. was rescheduled for a sooner time. I simply responded "OK"
W then txt me she was on her way home which I did not expect I thought she would go straight to the DR. from work. So I responded back "OK, leaving now actually"
W returned home and txt me "Where did you have to go? Are you going to be home before I leave?" i asked "When are you leaving" W replied with the time and I said in response "No sorry, thought you were going straight to Dr from work" W replied "No"
End of conversation. I am not sure why she wanted to know if I would be home before she left. I decided to go get my oil changed and I held off to make sure I did not return home before she left.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
