The saga continues

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK so there it was and all it's pursuing glory.

OIN, if you know it's pursuing, and you know purusing is anti-DB, then why do you do it, and why are you here?

That's not me yanking your chain, that's a serious question.

Puppy

[OfficerInNeed]

PDT,
I get many mixed signals from W. Then sometimes I am certain this marriage cannot be saved and then again it could all be WAW script. I get too caught up in her word play and over/under analyze so many things. I am having trouble detaching the proper way. I have not completely read but will continue to read the book I have on co-dependency.

I tried pursuit because sometimes W would tell me in not so many words she wanted someone who said 'this' or did 'that' or felt a certain 'way' no matter what. I did, it failed I will not do it again.

I can tell you what is going to happen. W is going to wake up in the morning and tell me she is leaving for work. I a going to stay in bed rather than go downstairs with her. W will txt me that she "made it safe" ( I know we been through this before about the text messages in my threads, she just does it even though I told her she did not have to) I will reply "good." W will then txt me once she gets out of work. I would will text "OK"

W will come home, get changed and get ready for her Dr. apt.

Unfortunately most of the times when I just go about my own business W things I have an attitude and starts saying things like "whatever" she expects for me to be pleasant and talkative not matter what and sometimes I have a hard time doing it because I have not learned to detach properly.

Should I not be home when W gets home? That would be a first besides the days I go to church.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think that's a splendid idea!

Clearly, it is time to try something different, OIN.

Puppy

[Ken62]

OIN, why do you text her back? She wants a divorce, she doesn't want you in her life. Let her see what that looks like. You told her she doesn't have to text you and still she does. Do you have to respond to her texts? What will she do if you don't respond to her? Divorce you? She is already threatening that so how could it get worse if you don't text her back. Let her rage and spew all over and either walk away or tell her that you will talk to her when she can speak to you in a respectful way.

Wouldn't this be something different to try? If you're going to do it just be consistent.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK help me out here. I thought what I was doing was working and for the most part it seemed to until yesterday.

I wanted to come back to this, OIN, and I'm NOT just being snarky or 2x4ish here:

This, to me, is where you are stuck, and is the heart of your problem. Because for MONTHS, various posters from varying backgrounds and philosophies have all pretty much told you that it's NOT working.

And yet you keep on saying that it IS.

And this pretty much is key, because I can see that -- if I were you -- and if I DID think that what I was doing was working, I wouldn't want to try any of the tougher things that other people were recommending to me, either.

I think you REALLLY need to put some hard thought in the next couple of days into what your metrics of "success" are. Because I don't think this is working whatsoever.

Again, I say this not to DISCOURAGE you, but you ENCOURAGE you . . . encourage you to TRY SOMETHING DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT!!!

Puppy

[OfficerInNeed]

I know. It would be so much easier if I had not done all those things before our sitch began. I did not always text her back but she always faithfully text me. There were times I treated her not so kind and said to her "You're a terrible W" or I would say to her in not so many words that I did not want to be with her anymore and I did it just to say it, when I said and did these things it was either out of anger or me just playing mind games with her.

So if I start to ignore her text messages, yes it will be different from the approach I have not but not different from the person I was before.

We do have moments where we are civil with one another, and extend courtesy. Today we did some baking together, W offered me a beverage and we had civil conversations. Actually it was pretty good until I brought up the R-talk. I was not getting any "hmmmmms" "huhs" ect...actual conversations. We sat and read her b-day cards. I blew it today, she was actually doing pretty well and I brought up the R.

I will be courteous. I will be pleasant. I wont bring up R any longer. I will make myself more scarce, I will start hitting the gym again and make it during times where we would otherwise be in the house together just sitting around. I will still sleep in the same bed as her. I won't ask her to do anything any longer unless she brings it up first.

Should I write her an email or letter giving the WAW speech?

[TimeHeals]

Should I write her an email or letter giving the WAW speech?

What for?

The situation has spun completely out of control, and so now you want to control it?

Motives are as important as actions in this case. I know you want to save your M, but you aren't going to do it by controlling anything but yourself.

Timing and being genuine are important.

The next time you are being threatened if you can say "I have had enough" and mean it while still being open to things improving, then that's different.

You are coming on here, you are insecure, and you are just a tad bit desperate sounding in your posts right now. I am thinking that is the wrong state of mind to make a stand.

[OfficerInNeed]

OK help me out here. I thought what I was doing was working and for the most part it seemed to until yesterday.

I wanted to come back to this, OIN, and I'm NOT just being snarky or 2x4ish here:

This, to me, is where you are stuck, and is the heart of your problem. Because for MONTHS, various posters from varying backgrounds and philosophies have all pretty much told you that it's NOT working.

And yet you keep on saying that it IS.

And this pretty much is key, because I can see that -- if I were you -- and if I DID think that what I was doing was working, I wouldn't want to try any of the tougher things that other people were recommending to me, either.

I think you REALLLY need to put some hard thought in the next couple of days into what your metrics of "success" are. Because I don't think this is working whatsoever.

Again, I say this not to DISCOURAGE you, but you ENCOURAGE you . . . encourage you to TRY SOMETHING DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT!!!

Puppy

Well I say this because, I look back on where we were then and now. Things were better up till yesterday then they had been months ago. I took little things as a sign of improvement such as W sleeping in same bed and I and letting go and throwing out old bed set. Where months ago she refused to sleep in same room as me. One point W had abandoned everything to do with our house and if I brought up any decision making about an improvement or change she would tell me that she was leaving and now where she herself speaks and follows through with home improvements.

Not much but a step in the right direction. I still think there were somethings I was doing right. There were others things I was doing as some have suggested and they came across as annoying and controlling.

I did not ever think W would escalate this to the point were she would break something of such sentimental value to proof a point.

[OfficerInNeed]

Should I write her an email or letter giving the WAW speech?

What for?

The situation has spun completely out of control, and so now you want to control it?

Motives are as important as actions in this case. I know you want to save your M, but you aren't going to do it by controlling anything but yourself.

Timing and being genuine are important.

The next time you are being threatened if you can say "I have had enough" and mean it while still being open to things improving, then that's different.

You are coming on here, you are insecure, and you are just a tad bit desperate sounding in your posts right now. I am thinking that is the wrong state of mind to make a stand.

Well because it was just suggested that I had the "WAW speech" and was provided a script so I wanted to know the opinion of that same poster if he thinks writing/typing it would be as effective as saying it due to my W not wanting to hear me talk about our R.

I have told W "I had enough" or that "I am tired of you disrespecting me" and "I won't be a doormat" W just flips it around on me and bring up 10 years.

Yes I admit I do sound desperate and I am sure I come across the same to my W. I had to days of huge R talk mistakes. I am just venting and trying to regroup and go back in DB in a more effective manner.

[TimeHeals]

Here's my honest take on where a good place to be emotionally when things like vase smashing and talk of not being able to forgive you happen:

1. Your first thought is, "I don't care if you cannot forgive me because I am changing, and I have forgiven myself, and at least I wasn't cheating and blaming you for doing it".

2. Your first words are, "If you are going to act like this, then you are right: this isn't going to work".