2 years later it's still not getting easier

[whitneypinch]

Hello LO,

Go for it, smash it down and get it all fixed up.

Well, I have been a bit burnt out and am getting tired of all of this. That is why I did not post.

Went out to dinner with my family last Wednesday and then to my daughters dance recital. I was cool, yet light and fun.
It was nice to be all together and then the next day I was alone and it left me feeling twice as empty.
I am really struggling here not being with my two kids. Why would anyone have kids and not want to do everything possible to be a family? We only have one life to live.

To tell you the truth my ex is never coming back ever, no matter what I do. There is no reason for her to do so. She is from a super wealthy family, is beautiful and is as fit as a 19 year old. She has a fantastic job and an ex husband (me) that takes care of the kids.

As she walked out the door 2 years ago she said to me "I don't need you". That sums it all up. She does not need anyone. She has a nanny, a gardner and a maintenance person. Her parents pay for everything on top of her high salary.

I am just burnt out of the whole "dance" and am just trying to concentrate on my kids.

Sorry you caught me on a "down" day.

[LauraOh]

I am sorry--really I am. I have some thoughts if you don't mind...

But first, I have to say that I have more votes to "go ahead and smash" then not, so....that actually is making me feel better!

Detachment is your friend here. I read that part of her having everything, and I thought wow--we sure see things differently. To me, she is a.spoiled b. a user c. boring and all that adds up to an UNATTRACTIVE person.

There is no growth in her. She is perpetually going to be? a teen?? Supported and cared for by her parents?? This is an interesting woman?

I know there is plenty to focus on that is negative. You have GOT to get past that and see the positives. Your attention and focus and drive for your kids. That is huge. You may not have ever had it if you had stayed with her (being the perpetual teen that she is--she sounds draining) Especially the focusing you will have developed. The attention to small details. I will bet that she will always be jealous of you and your abitilty as a father--it will surpass hers soon, if it hasn't already.

These are gifts that you need to open and treasure and be grateful for. There are more--you have to look for them.

The sooner you focus on the positives in this sitch, and the sooner you detach and really "see" her, the sooner you will be able to focus on the important stuff.

And making waves in their little "fantasy" of you being perpetually at their back-and-call is good too. My H thinks of me as a servant. I have run around for years doing his bidding and trying to be "nice" all the time.

I'm slowly and steadily releasing my inner "bitch".lol. But seriously--it seems to be working!! Where's my sledgehammer!!

[whitneypinch]

LO,

I just love getting your replies.

Well, you are so right on so many levels. She is jealous of the father I am. I do soooo much with my kids and we will have a life rich in experiences.

I totally agree that there has been no growth in her through this. I have had HUGE growth and for sure am a better father for it.

Go ahead and smash the chimney !

[LauraOh]

I had a fabulous day yesterday. Borrowed a REAL sledgehammer from neighbors. Took MAJOR CHUNKS out of the fireplace. It felt soooo good.

I hope you get the opportunity to be wild--look for that gift. You can't imagine the fun.

[whitneypinch]

That is awesome !!!

Moved out of the cottage this weekend. The kids and I were very upbeat and positive. Many new experiences ahead for the kids and I.
Sent a few photos of the kids swimming for the last time at the cottage etc. to my ex. She wrote back that she was heartbroken that the cottage was sold and apologized for any and all pain that everyone was suffering.
Then sent lot's of hugs and love. WTF !!
I guess some guilt is setting in for her.

Oh ya, my ex also sent me a note on Father's Day saying how outstanding of a father I am etc...... (rolling my eyes)

She suggested that we go out for dinner next week with the kids and we have to take them to a camp open house. I told her I would agree to that if she was happy to be there and it was fun. She said she is always happy to be there.

Well, just plugging on and planning all kinds of fun travels for my kids this summer.

Just trying to keep a bit of distance and not get sucked in.

[LauraOh]

I picked up H from the airport yesterday. I was full of anxiety for about 2 days--the workers hadn't finished the drywall and there was SO much dust it took forever to clean.

I treated H very coolly on the way home (a 1/2 hour drive). He asked me a lot of questions about my week. I told him a little about my life lately (he has been completely uninterested for about 5 months--I am done pursuing him to care).

Got home and he asked why the truck was in the backyard. I told him because of the workers. He was like, huh? I said he'd see when he got in the house.

Long story short, we had a long talk, we hugged and kissed, and I got lucky!lol.

He will be cold again soon I'm sure, but 180s DO WORK!! If you have been available and "nice" and it hasn't worked, you HAVE to go the other way.

[whitneypinch]

Well, sounds like you had some fun times. Good for you.

I had been thinking about getting together with my ex this Wednesday.
Told her I was only interested in getting together if it meant something to her. (I know, give me the 2x4). She said that she just wanted us to be friends and nothing more than that. I told her that I was not interested in getting together then.

So, yes I am going to go completely the other way and no longer be nice.

This weekend I am flying the kids and I to Boston for 4th of July celebrations. We live in Canada but my kids are getting their U.S citizenship on July 14th. I wanted them to truly experience all the patriotism of 4th of July.

You know, as I planned out all the trip, all I could think about was the tremendous "family" experience we are about to have. An experience that will only come once in our lives.
I thought about my ex and that she should be there. If she has no interest in working on our family then how could I even love this person let alone want to be friends with her. Given the rare chance to work on our family she does nothing.

Why would I even want someone like that?

We have 2 of the most precious kids on earth. I want to spend every minute with them. I want to experience every possible great thing life has to offer with them. If my ex does not feel the same way then screw her.

Yes, I messed some stuff up BUT I did not end a marriage and destroy our family.

So, maybe a bit of anger is what is required here so that I can move on.

[LauraOh]

Anger has done nothing but good things in my sitch. It is "riteous anger" and there is a difference.

Riteous anger is going to see the abuse they are heaping on innocent children.

Riteous anger is going to tell you YOU are not deserving of this.

Riteous anger is going to move you away from the abuse. You and your kids are being treated terribly. It will open your eyes to this fact. Being nice to her is a disservice to your children. It is teaching them they are not worth you standing up for them.

I have tried to think of ways to tell you that you are contributing to the abuse of children by treating their abuser kindly, but I didn't know how. I know you love them. I know it's not because you are doing it consciously. But you are modeling a very unhealthy man along with your unhealthy W.

I hope today was Ok to tell you this. Have a wonderful 4th. And along with the fireworks, remember that riteous anger got this country away from the tyranny and made it strong.

[LauraOh]

Oh, and we are good friends with England now.lol.

[whitneypinch]

Hi LO,

You know if you had sent me this post a month ago it would have bothered me but now it is exactly dead on.

The anger I am feeling right now is her lack of responsibility and accountability to me and to our kids. Its the total disrespect for our family and our welfare.

When I am away in Boston I will not be sending any photos. I know my ex will send me an email asking how it is going.
I will be responding in a very harsh way.
Basically I am going to say "given the choice to work on our family you have chosen to do absolutely nothing. I have too much love and respect for my children to continue to have you be this way. You have made a clear choice to not be a part of our family."

How's that