Oh, I am so happy for you, Future. You did the work indeed, and you are beginning to reap the rewards.
I wish my H had done so, but I guess the roles were reversed. He had the EA, I did the work, but he didn't respond. I am starting to wonder what I did wrong, if anything.
'Eh, life is good despite that. And again, really happy for you.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Future, been watching and following along. You're doing a good job. A far cry from the man who was scared to let go in order to find himself. (Too lazy to dig up my previous posts to you... especially the one where you thought you'd lost it all by pushing ahead for the D)
Anyway, that's in the past. So, your wife is a cat huh?
Here's a tip for you:
You're being too available at the moment. It's time to pull back a little bit and arouse her curiosity some more. You're a busy man who is in demand... busy men are not always available at their WAW's beck and call... those are needy men.
Turn down an odd invitation or two here and there... turn up the mystery a little. Cat's like to be petted AFTER they pursue. Let her do her job so you can do yours.
If that's a bit vague let me know and I'll spell it out for you.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Thanks folks. I did slowly come to realize that I wasn't nearly as much to blame as I was burdening myself with. I had my part, she had hers, our M was a mess. That's about it. I'm just glad we're getting this chance to treat each other right.
Gnosis- I agree, I am being too available. I have actually turned her down a couple times, just didn't post here, but it is time for me to disappear a little again. Not a game, we have taken a giant leap forward, and a breather is needed to let it sink in. I've learned the value of patience. Time has a way of clarifying a situation.
I definitely remember how I was so scared before, how I thought I potentially made a fatal mistake by standing up for myself and telling her to hit the road. Wow, I was so off base. It was exactly what our R needed. I remember you saying I needed to "break her", which sounds bad, but I knew what you meant. She was clinging to her notion that she was queen and everything was my fault. She felt she was entitled to my attention, and she used my feelings toward her to manipulate me. After losing me for 4-5 months, that resolve was "broken" in her. She had to give me the respect I deserved.
To any others reading, it really is true that you can't let your WAW bully you, or scare you. When I finally stood up to my W she said and did all sorts of things meant to try to get me back under her control. She said "Now I know there's no going back", "I was considering reconciliation, but now I know there's no chance", blah, blah, blah. All standard WAW script. Easy to say that now, but her words were putting me into a panic at the time. Go back and read my old threads from six months ago! Not pretty, and somewhat embarassing for me.
My W withdrew her petition for custody yesterday! Not only that, she was excited about doing it. After sticking to my guns regarding the custody issue, she did ask if I'd be willing to let her keep the kids at her house for a few extra overnights during the summer, and I said ok. She sent back a text full of "xxxx". It's becoming somewhat of a moot point, as I'm over at her house so much now, along with her being at mine.
She continues to be affectionate with me. Very physical, always touching.
I do have some concerns, but I don't know if it's asking for too much too soon. She doesn't yet seem to fully accept responsibility for what she did. She still clings to the notion that our marital problems were an excuse for what she did. I do see glimmers of true remorse though, so I'm willing to wait and see. Also, she seems awfully motivated by what SHE wants out of the reconciliation, although in return she has said she will try to give me everything I need too.
I am still very stuck regarding how to integrate our possible reconciliation with the single life I built for myself. This isn't a case where the wayward spouse returns to the marriage before the betrayed spouse moves on. I did move on. I built a life for myself, and I like it. Now I feel like I'm living two lives.
I am still very stuck regarding how to integrate our possible reconciliation with the single life I built for myself. This isn't a case where the wayward spouse returns to the marriage before the betrayed spouse moves on. I did move on. I built a life for myself, and I like it. Now I feel like I'm living two lives.
Good, then you can be patient and wait for true remorse, the kind that passes an acid test.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I am still very stuck regarding how to integrate our possible reconciliation with the single life I built for myself. This isn't a case where the wayward spouse returns to the marriage before the betrayed spouse moves on. I did move on. I built a life for myself, and I like it. Now I feel like I'm living two lives.
Good, then you can be patient and wait for true remorse, the kind that passes an acid test.
Wisdom. ^
Slow and eaaaasssy, Future. Her words are CHEAP at this point. Only her ACTIONS -- OVER TIME -- are what you should weigh.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Exactly. Words are cheap, that's why withdrawing the petition means so much. That's tangible action taken to help heal our R. In the last six weeks this has been going on, she has been remarkably consistent. Almost always affectionate, and when she's not, she wants to talk about why, rather than just act distant and weird. So far we've been able to get some hard stuff out on the table and dealt with.
