Build up demand outside of the house and you will get lots of coochie in the house. No body has to cheat on their wife to get what they want. Teach her a lesson.
bad idea. terrible. more of the same.
she told you straight up:
Quote:
Now I remember the 3rd thing W said she did not like about me... W said "And I think you hide things from me"
start pulling that stuff and you might as well give your wife the freedom to move on with her life without additional heartache.
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thank you for posting your conversation. I personally taught it read as being a very healthy conversation to have at the time. People need to let it out and need to be heard, and need to listen. It is healthy. Once you know what you need to know now. Let it sink in.
thus, A major take home point =
Quote:
I asked "What do you think would help improve things between us"
W said "For you to stop talking about it"
So true. So many people talk about fog and their WAW spouse not making sense when they talk, but do you see the clarity in the above response. Can you understand the importance over the "long run?" I am not trying to beat you over the head with this as it reads like you truely understand, but I hope others who constantly berate their spouses with questions and arguments realize the importance.
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Can I ask you a question?
What is the difference between marriage and friendship with your wife?
Thats a good question. How do you recover a friendship after a strong betrayal? We're not going to be passive and accomidating to our good buddy who set us back in so many ways. We could open the door for re-igniting the friendship after they have regained our trust in a variety of ways.
OfficerInNeed's wife has not shown herself yet to be reestablishing trust. I feel that she is gaining an advantage in having all the dedication and attention from her husband, calling the shots while giving very little back.
We cannot worry about that OfficerInNeed believes he was controlling earlier in life with this relationship, we have to worry about getting past the affair.
Some of my comments are searching for ways to re-establish her interest in her marriage. Some of the ways of doing this are not nice.
Is puppy saying that if he just stayed friends with her he would still be getting sex, and marriage put an end to that?
Thats funny.
No, I'm not. I'm answering the question posited. Sexual intimacy is the ONE THING that separates the husband-wife relationship from all others: best friends, brother/sister, etc.
If we were not married, we would be having sex with some of our female friends. Also some of those female friends would get pretty close to us, being dependable, reliable, even thoughtful.
Other of those friends would maintain the distance where the sex is just sex.
In my situation and I'm sure others sex after the marriage license was signed slowed down and it got to zero today.
No, I'm not. I'm answering the question posited. Sexual intimacy is the ONE THING that separates the husband-wife relationship from all others: best friends, brother/sister, etc.
eros love vs philia love or agape love. you need all of them in a marriage but eros love is the kicker.
Where's Kalni when you need her?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
start pulling that stuff and you might as well give your wife the freedom to move on with her life without additional heartache.
This is all in my W's head. My W would not say what I have done or do that leads her to believe this, if she told me I could certainly rectify the matter and address any of her concerns.
Quote:
thank you for posting your conversation. I personally taught it read as being a very healthy conversation to have at the time. People need to let it out and need to be heard, and need to listen. It is healthy. Once you know what you need to know now. Let it sink in.
Although I did not intend to initiate a R talk and I could have chose my words better, it enabled me to get more of an understanding of where my W is at right now. A month ago W would had said "I am still leaving" but when I asked W said "I can't say right now" even though she has not affirmed anything new about our M it will help my DB efforts if she remains in the same home as me.
Quote:
Can I ask you a question?
What is the difference between marriage and friendship with your wife?
What PDT said BUT to be honest I cannot answer this question. Before our sitch I had a different outlook on marriage. It is no secrete and had been alluded too many times on this forum that the relationship W and I had was more along the lines of father-daughter. I NOW have a NEW outlook on marriage (healthy marriage) and want to build a friendship withing our M/R.
My W does not have the privilege and knowledge of how healthy relationships work. I am W's only relationship beyond her EA and therefore she does not understand the approach I am taking. While I read DR and other relationship building books and follow posts/advice on these forums where I learn how to communicate, earn respect, build, not pressure or pursue, W have a different take on what works in a R, none of it seems logical compared to the aforementioned but it is the only way she knows but WILL NOT participate in any sort of therapy.
===================== As for today:
W and I went out and got some things we needed for the house.
We did some work around the house without incident.
W did respond with hmm or umm hmmm but now I think she is doing it purposely, so I will ignore it.
W had her moments where she seemed distant, I think much of her negative attitude has a lot to do with the conversation that took place yesterday.
I am going back to my old threads and re-reading advice given to help build better interactions.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
W was running late for work and asked if I could help her downstairs getting things together. I assisted W gather her things for work. As W was leaving I said "bye" and W said same in return.
While W was at work I started to do some work around the house preparing for the 26th. I then took a break to let the dog out back and filled up the dog's little pool. I was fooling around with the dog in the backyard as W returned home from work. W watched us from the back door and after I spotted her she came out.
W then went back in to change and returned. We each started to play with the dog with water. It then turned into a mini water war.
We eventually called it quits and headed inside. We had noticed we are getting new neighbors. W and I started to talk about how it is good to see neighbors move in that have kids. I made the comment "I think those are the grandparents" and W replied "It is possible but some people do have children later in life" and I said "true, I want to have children while I am still young". W then looked at me and said "you're 27, you'll be 28 this year, lets say YOU have a child when you're 30, when that child turns 10 you'll be 40" and I said "never knew 40 was 'too old'" and W just shrugged her shoulders.
So now W thinks I am getting 'too old' to have children. W is only 2 years younger than I am. W was had EA with someone 10 years older than she is. This really bothered me. there are many things I wanted to say but refrained from doing so because it would not help in any case.
W expressed how she had a terrible head ache. W wanted to rest for a bit before we left and got the remaining items on our list for the 26th.
W went to bed and asked that I wake her up in a half hour. 40 min had passed I let W know but she was still not feeling so well, she now had a migraine headache.
W was just prescribed new meds for migraines and so she took a pill. W was laying in bed across rather then how you would normally lay in a bed. I sat in bed going over our list of things to do and eventually laid back myself resting my head on W. W did not oppose or nudge me away as she had in the past (I had not tried such a thing in a few months). I decided to take it a step further and place my had on W's. W immediately balled her fist and pulled away. W said "It's too warm" and then rolled over. I got up and decided to go do some more work around the house.
Some time had past W still sleeping. W did not get any better and so she decided she was not up to doing anything today. I continued the work I was doing, finished up on a few things and decided to relax. Once again I laid in bed, rest head on W with no objection.
W eventually woke up, we sat up in bed talking (about how W felt, things I had accomplished ect..) as we were talking I had my arm rested on W's leg with no objection.
W had got out of bed, still suffering from her headache and took a look at what I had done and helped clean up some around the house before she went to shower.
We came out shower laid in bed, we watched a little TV and she went to bed.
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I don't know if what I did was pursuit. I can remember back when our sitch first began and I did the same things with the same reaction from W. She allowed it but it was not reciprocated. This is even before I discovered DR and this forum.
After a while W started to nudge me away or get aggravated when I made such attempts. Eventually I got the point and after reading DR stopped doing it all together up till last night.
For so long I'd refrain from doing things out of fear of pressuring my W and I took a risk today, although she did not object I am concerned it was pressure.
I don't want W to think that I think everything is OK between us that I can just do these things...
Also I know I should be spending less time with my W and doing more things on my own and I will. At least for now and up till the 26th I cannot step around doing things with the W.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
