The saga continues

[OfficerInNeed]

Today started out like usual. W woke up for work, I was up as she was leaving, W then left.

While W is at work I do some work around the house, clean up and get ready to go. W returned home from work, greets the dog, I am laying in bed on the laptop, W walks in bedroom and says she is going to lay down for a bit before we leave. After an hour or so W wakes up. W was eating, I took a nibble off her plate and she ate around that piece and ended up not eating it, I took offense, W caught on.

W and I then headed out the door, W seemed irritated. We had planned to visit my grandfathers burial site for Fathers Day. as we are driving I decided I wanted to hook up the iPod. I am fussing with it as I am driving and W decided to lend a hand

As she is doing this I noticed a sparkle out the corner of my eye. I briefly glanced toward W and seen she was wearing her wedding ring. I was in shock and felt a chill move through me. The ring had sat in the bathroom in a cup for nearly 2 Months. I go tired of it just sitting there so I moved it into a box inside her nightstand drawer in plain site where it has sat for the past Month and there it was on her finger. I said nothing and carried on as if I did not see it.

We and I stopped off and got some flowers for my Grandfather and went to visit him, after W and I went out to see FIL. Gave him a gift. FIL seemed cheerful. W talked to FIL about our home improvements among other things. W told FIL how WE purchased a coffee maker for when he comes and visits.

After our visit W and I headed home. Watched one of our favorite shows and W then went to take a bath.

I am not sure what to think about the ring, I will see when tomorrow comes if she puts it back on. She has already placed it back in the box in the drawer. I don;t know if it was a test or W is enticing me to say or do something.

I wanted to try to hold W's hand today but chickened out. I am very confused. Sometimes it seems like she would acceptable and others I think she would just reject me. Being in a marriage and not be affectionate is just kills but I am not sure if it is too soon to make such advances.

All indicators right now is that W is staying in our home but as for our actual R is concerned I am now sure where we stand.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'll be anxious to see if she wears her ring when not visiting anyone -- just with you for the day.

Puppy

[OfficerInNeed]

Well be there before. There was a time during out sitch where W would only wear the ring when we would go to a family gathering, concert, show or event. Easter is when it stopped she just stopped wearing the ring all together. Easter Sunday at her family's home W did not wear her wedding ring.

Along with Easter Sunday, W has not wore the ring to any family outings, or shows/events we attended. We have visited with FIL a few times since then with no ring. I though it was long forgotten and since she was able to face people without wearing it I thought that I would never see it on her finger again that is why I was in shock.

We will see what tomorrow brings.

The thought of asking W were we stand has crossed my mind but I held back. I don;t want to pressure W at the same time I often wonder if she is waiting to be pursued.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Taking bets for when OIN gets laid by his own wife.

[OfficerInNeed]

Last time you said that the EA kicked up again. My W won't even let me see her get changed. My W is not acceptable to my touch yet, so it is safe to say intimacy is far fetched.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Just a matter of time though, how much time is the question - hence the bets. What has to change or adjust so that she actually wants to see her get dressed or changing?

Its a good sign when she started going through and putting up wedding pictures, and your officer of the month pics, and considering wearing the ring, etc, etc.

New good memories.

[OfficerInNeed]

NEED ADVICE AND HELP UNDERSTANDING WHAT JUST HAPPENED/SAID


W and I decided to do some more work on the house today. W spoke future tense a few times.

During us doing the work (painting ect) W was communicating to me using sounds again. According to her, she is hot and aggravated.

There came a point where W asked where I wanted the towel rack in the bathroom and I replied "Where ever you think it looks best" W got upset because earlier I said I did not like the towel rack where it currently was.

W then attempted to put the mirror back on the wall in the bathroom I attempted to help her as I was moving over we bumped into each other but W acted as if I had done it on purpose.

W then gave up and went and sat down then we had a conversation that I think has done a lot of damage.

W questioned why I have an attitude, I told W

"I am sorry you feel that I have an attitude."

W went on to tell me why she thinks I have an attitude

I said "I can see how you might think I have an attitude"

I then asked W what her intentions are

W asked "What do you mean?" and I replied "DO you plan on leaving?" W said "I can't answer that right now"

I then said "I enjoy the fact we are working on the house together. Why all for the 26th?" FYI 26th is the day of the house warming/bday party.

W said "I want it to look presentable" and I replied "I want the home to look presentable for the 26tth as well but I also hope the improvements to our home extend beyond the 26th"

W did not reply.

I then said to W "The other day you made a comment to me 'I do things to see how you react' what is the purpose of that? When we spend time together I do everything to ensure it is a good time"

W replied "I do it to see if you really changed. When someone loves and cares for another person it does not matter how they communicate and all you do is want to govern what I say. You always controlled what I say and how I say it and I want to see if you changed."

I said "You are right , in the past, I did try to control and 'govern' what you said. "

I then said to W "I want to develop a healthy relationship and communication is key to doing so. Using sounds comes across as disrespectful"

W said "We never had a healthy relationship and what you think it best is not the same as I think. I know the whole healthy communication blah blah blah but that is not how I think. You did a lot to me in the past to make things this way and I don't think it will ever change."

W then went on to say "You done so much wrong in the past 10 years I can't ever trust you again. I trust you less than I would a complete stranger because I know you will do me wrong and I believe everything goes in a cycle and you'll do it again. I don't think you changed, I see no changes and even if you did change I don't think it will make a difference"

I then said to W "I can see why you would not trust me, I did say and do a lot of terrible things."

I then said to W "Marriage means a lot to me and I want to build a healthy strong marriage."

W said something I forget what at this point. I said to W "You right, maybe YOU will not see a change in me..." I said something along with this but don't recall right now

I said "Tell me 3 things right now that you do not like about me"

W said "1. I hate that you have false hope for the future. 2. I hate that you try to govern what I say.."

W did not give a 3rd reason.

I said "What do you mean false hope for the future?"

W said "You think that is we worked on our marriage together that everything will be great and it won't, you also think that it is all going to workout someday"

I said "I do think that working on the marriage together things will improve sooner and be a lot easier and the only hope I have for the future is that I am married to someone who loves and cares for me. It would be great if you are that someone."

I then said "You are right about me governing what you say, I can see how the way I was trying to improve our communication would come across as me trying to 'govern' the way you speak"

I said "I do not want to live in limbo and want to be in a healthy loving marriage."

I asked "What do you think would help improve things between us"

W said "For you to stop talking about it"

W just continued doing what she was doing and then I walked away

I know I should had never engaged in a R talk but it just happened. Most of what I said has been on my mind for a long time now and I just had to get it out.

I am not sure what to do at this point, what to say if anything. I feel as if I made things worse or at the very least pushed her away farther.

Where to go from here and how bad did I just make things.

Somewhere in there I referred to W and I living as roommates and I am not looking for a roommate but a W and W said "You made it this way"

[dburt]

W said "for you to stop talking about it" I think that is what you should have received from that. Also, never have a R talk during remodeling (decorating) etc...

Burt

[OfficerInNeed]

Now I remember the 3rd thing W said she did not like about me...
W said "And I think you hide things from me"

I told W I hide absolutely nothing and if there is anything in question to just ask....W did not want to get into it she said "there are many things"

[TimeHeals]

There came a point where W asked where I wanted the towel rack in the bathroom and I replied "Where ever you think it looks best" W got upset because earlier I said I did not like the towel rack where it currently was.

Well, she has a point here. You obviously do care, and if she had said let's put it back where it was and you don't want it, you'd be asking us what that meant.

W asked "What do you mean?" and I replied "DO you plan on leaving?" W said "I can't answer that right now"

Oh ye of little patience. You had to ask....

You have a misunderstanding, and it's all the way back to... "are you going to leave"?

Do you want her to stay, or are you now trying to drive her away?

W said "I want it to look presentable" and I replied "I want the home to look presentable for the 26tth as well but I also hope the improvements to our home extend beyond the 26th"

You are pressuring her. This is pursuing. Not attractive.
BTW, I think the 26th is a full moon eclipse (if she's into astrology).

I then said to W "The other day you made a comment to me '

More pressure.

W replied "I do it to see if you really changed.

She did it to see if you were going to try to pressure her.

When someone loves and cares for another person it does not matter how they communicate

This is not true.

and all you do is want to govern what I say. You always controlled what I say and how I say it and I want to see if you changed."

She wants to see if your changes--you are not being driven by fear to try and force her into a commitment--are real.

W said "You think that is we worked on our marriage together that everything will be great and it won't, you also think that it is all going to workout someday"

You've been tested (and tested and tested). You failed.

Where to go from here and how bad did I just make things.

You undid weeks of minor progress. I don't know how bad it's going to get. You cannot pressure somebody into doing something. It's not going to work, so stop trying to do that.

It's one thing to be assertive, but trying to force somebody to say or think something NEVER works.