Sounds like you both are getting there. Awareness is a big deal.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Let go of negative feelings - 95% there. I know I have a little deep seated lingering anger, but it's manageable. I'm not holding onto it though, it's just there, and I'm sure it will be there for a long time, years. I don't feel any anger from her at all.
Become friends again - 80% there. I feel totally ok sharing everything about my life with her, except some of the aspects of my single life. Not totally different from any new relationship starting up.
Rekindle romance - 50% there. There is a lot of affection and physical attraction, but going very slow. It is so emotionally loaded for us both.
Commit to each other - 25% there. Right now we're committed to the point of calling each other, offering to share our time with the kids with each other, feeling like we can ask things of each other, but no real obligation, and certainly no committment to a future together. We're taking it day by day.
It doesn't move as fast as you would like, but you're heading in the right direction.
Take your time and enjoy wooing your wife again. What a great second chance with 20-20 hind sight to be able to avoid past mistakes. Have patience and take things slow.
Has your W dropped the lawsuit (RE: custody?). Have you spoken with your attny about your present situation?
One thing my attny suggested to me (and this really is probably more suited to residents of NY state) is if a reconciliation does happen it is very wise to have a post nuptial agreement drawn up. My attny even said he didn't care what firm I used but please, please do that if my H and I did reconcile. It doesn't have to be some big to do, it's merely a document that both spouses agree to and sign. And let's face it... after you have been wrapped up in divorce/separation/custody litigation of any kind in this state it seems like a pretty reasonable idea.
I know it's not terribly romantic but for me, all this BS was MORE THAN ENOUGH one time around, lol!
The lawsuit isn't dropped, we're actually supposed to appear next week. W said her lawyer told her to just show up and, assuming I'm on board with it, jointly tell the judge we're working together toward a solution. Then the judge will likely set some time in the future to revisit. As you said before, reconciliations often fail. Things are changing fast though, and have had our tough discussions. It's certainly looking more and more like we're going to save our marriage. I'm not sure what my W wants to do now about the lawsuit. To tell the truth, I forgot all about it until you just brought it up! I will bring it up this weekend.
What is the purpose of the post nuptial agreement? To lay out custody or finances in case the reconciliation fails?
I would stick around here for awhile. Piecing does not get a lot of traffic, so if you want to gear down on the postings, then go for it, but if you still want more input then stay where you are comfortable. Of course, your 'fans' will follow you, I'm sure.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
That is basically what my attny said... it provides a legal/financial (and custody in your case) framework in case the reconciliation goes sour. He actually said sometimes it helps the reconciliation as the "admin" stuff is figured out and there are no "what ifs" floating around.
It seems like a good idea IMO but I say that AFTER being in this mess of a court system.
Here's an update, for those who might be interested, along with a chance for me to journal...
R with W continues to improve and progress. We are spending more and more time together. Was very hot here over the weekend and she was invited to bring the kids to her friends' house to hang out and swim in their pool. She said her friends invited me too. They are my old friends as well, but she got them in the split (LOL). They made me feel very welcome and we had a great time. The next night she said her other friends invited me to their house for dinner. She is really opening her world back up to me. I continue to be unclear as to how to bring her into my world. Hers is one of families, mine is one of middle aged single people going out to have fun.
I did most of Father's Day alone with the kids, but I did invite her over for dinner. She went and bought a "Happy Father's Day!" cake and brought it with her, which I thought was very sweet of her, no pun intended! Dinner went very well. I can feel her starting to relax being back at the house. Funny though, she does not assume any "ownership" there though. She defers to me on everything, as a guest would. Although that's strange in some ways, it is respectful.
After dinner we played outside with the kids, then she helped with bedtime. After the kids were in bed, she stayed to talk. She said she knows she's "jumping the gun", and it's just talk right now, but she's been looking through the real estate listings, and walking around her neighborhood looking at houses for sale. In the past I would acted as though she was wasting her time, because we obvioulsy aren't anywhere near ready for that yet, but now I know this is how she works. She needs to dream like this, it's how she moves emotionally from one place to another. I had fun with it, we looked at house listings online and talked about the pros and cons of each. She loved it. She even said "I can't believe I'm saying this, but if I moved back in here, we could save for a new house a lot faster."
Then I thought I'd take a chance. I asked her if she'd ever heard of the book "The Five Love Languages". She said no. I teased her a little, given that she does marriage and family counseling for a living. She wasn't negative on it at all, she just said there are so many therapists who write these books, it's hard to keep up on them all. She also told me that since the downfall of our M, she has migrated her work almost entirely to families, as it's "just too hard to do M counseling now". She said she refers the troubled marriages to her colleagues. I liked that at least she was admitting she wasn't objective about it anymore.
I told her a little about the five LL, and said there was a test, and asked if she'd like to take it. She enthusiastically said yes, so I went and got the book. We talked about whether I should read her the questions, or whether she should take it on her own. She totally wanted me to read them to her, but I said "Are you sure you can answer honestly? I'm afraid you'll be swayed from your gut reaction by wanting to spare my feelings." She said "H, we are really trying to be honest with each other now, so this will be a great test of that." I read her each question, some of which started little side conversations, which were totally awesome! They forced us to discuss many things we might not have, and she was totally honest. I knew she'd be big on "Words of Affirmation" and sure enough, that was tied as her top LL, along with "Physical Touch", which surprised me. I would have guessed "Quality Time" would be way up there, but it was very low. I told her how I remember her trying so hard to get us some quality time together, but she said that was so we could be alone to get the things that mattered to her, my words of love and to be physically close to me. She did jokingly say she's realized she's a cat, as in she needs to be the one to approach physically, not be approached. Then she said I'm definitely a dog! LOL!
Although "Words of Affirmation" and "Physical Touch" were tied in her test, my gut knows that words are the real keys to her heart. Whenever we have a particularly close talk or I say just the right things, she melts, which then leads to the physical stuff. Unfortunately, I also know that was how OM got to her :-(.
For any other DBers out there, one particularly interesting thing she said was "H, I remember every time over the last couple years when you said I was a good Mother." Just as other successful DBing stories have shown, you find out later that they are listening to you, they are watching you, and they are thinking about you.
She was impressed by the ideas in the book, and she asked if she could take it to read it.
She shocked me when she mentioned something from the previous day. I was meeting her and the kids at her friends' pool, which is in the back of their house. I got there a couple hours after her, and I knew they'd be in the back, so I walked around the house to the gate. She was laying on a lounge chair in her bikini looking spectacular, and I just crossed my arms along the top of the fence and looked at her. She eventually saw me and smiled. I smiled back but made no sound at all, and her two friends had their backs to me. One of them saw her looking my way, and turned and shrieked when she saw me standing there. She joked "You scared me to death! What are you doing standing there? I turn around and see a man in sunglasses leering in!" I smiled and said "I'm just standing here, and I'm not leering..." I keep smiling and look at my W, then say "Well... maybe I am leering a little." Then I walked through the gate and went over to my W, crouched next to her on one knee, put my hand on her, and said "Hi W, happy anniversary." Saturday was our 11th anniversary, but we had agreed we weren't going to do cards or gifts or anything. I didn't want it left ignored altogether though. She smiled and answered "Happy anniversary."
Anyway, back to last night, she recalled those events and took a breath and shook her head and said "H, wow, you were so impressive coming in like that." I was confused and said "Like what?" She said "Your presence, the way you held yourself, the way you walked in, the way your were dressed. You were just... hot. Is that what you were going for?" I was so surprised, I said "Ah, no, I just walked in." She said "Well, you were incredibly sexy, and I was thinking to myself, that's the guy I'm dating? Wow."
I know I'm just a average decent looking guy, nothing special, so this really blew me away. I'm including that story here as a validation of some of the basic DBing principles. Don't dwell on your misery, GAL, get into shape, remember what attracted her to you in the beginning. It might take time, a long time, but be a strong confident man, and you can attract your WAW back to you. I was a fun interesting person when I met my W. I became so pathetic in our M. I lost sight of what makes a woman want to be with a man. It can't be obligation. If deep down you know you were relying on obligation for a long time, and if you're holding onto anger based on her "breaking her vows", try to let that go. She will never come back if she feels you will beat her over the head with that "obligation" card, but she might come back if she realizes she's losing something great.
At this point, I think we're going to make it. My goal is to keep moving at the right pace.
