Thanks BeingMe! I am working on myself. Even though we have only been married for 2.5 year we have been together for 10 years and known each other for 15. I don't even have a reference point as an adult without him in my life so it has been hard but each day it gets a little easier.
Also I think I've said before that I feel like I can still GAL and move on without filing for divorce. As bad as it might sound I'm at least able to still live in my house now. My house is o ly 2 years old and I've galena lot time and energy to make it a home and I would like to enjoy it. My WH make a similar salary my lawyer said with all of his issues I may be able to get some alimony but even then I don't know if I could afford to keep the house. Right now at least with the seperation he has agreed to pa his share. We couldn't even sell the house now because of the market. If he files I will probably end up counter filing for adultery which will give me a better chance at alimony and therefore ring able to keep the house. I have worked SO hard to get that house and I'm not giving it up!
When B.Eyes says, I never want to be married to him, then I'd change my tune.
My understanding (if I got you right B.E.) is that she wants him better, fixed, and clean. If he stays as is, she wants to move on. That is her decision to make, not mine to advise.
So I'd suggest looking for opportunities to her, not to have him return, but to get help and then return. Her answer makes her POV clear. She CAN speak for herself. She also did.
Wanting to be married or not is irrelevant. What is relevant is an addict cannot be productive in life (fully) let alone in a marriage until THEY decide to get help and learn to control the addiction. I loved my father dearly for the last ten years of his life even though we only spoke a few times. I simply had to remove myself from the equation because his drinking was ruining my life and he refused to get help. I told him I love him but he was no longer allowed to be part of my life unless he got help. And when if he ever did decide to get help and he had some sort of proven track record I would be there every step of the way. Love is not enough for an addict. My father opted to not have his two daughters in his life and chose drinking instead. My sister and I went to the ends of the earth to help him prior to us walking away. We could give him love and hope each day but the addiction ALWAYS won out and in most cases it always will.
Nobody said (including me) BrownEyes can't speak for herself. I merely asked you to explain why you would suggest such a thing.
You, for a small window of time, were open about something you have struggled with for two decades. Being an addict doesn't make you (or anybody) a bad person but an addict cannot control the addiction on love and hope and IMO "love and hope" is not a first step. Getting treatment is the first step then the love and hope part is crucial.
I think anybody who has read this threads hopes like hell BrownEyes H will realize he has a problem and get the help he needs. That is a given.
Part of it is that I have never said those things to WH. I have never really confronted him about his addiction (again, he doesn't know that I know about the latest stuff since he left). I think part of him wants us to still sort of have some sort of amicable friendship but that would never be possible.
Part of me wants to confront him about everything I know and tell him that I can't be part of his life at all in anyway until he gets help.
I am sure he does want some sort of friendship with you but that is HIS desire and it doesn't mean you have to adhere to it. It's unfortunate the WAS rarely thinks ahead of time that leaving a marriage pretty much shreds any option for a friendship. In most cases it simply doesn't work that way. Leaving a marriage is not okay but if it is the choice of the WAS then you are under no obligation to be his friend if you are not comfortable with that role.
IMO you (generally speaking) have to live your life based on what you feel is acceptable behaviors. I know your love your H but he does have a problem and since the problematic behavior is not a one time thing it won't just go away.
Have you thought about confronting your H and letting him know you are fully aware of what is going on (do not show him your proof!) and telling him that while you do care for him you cannot have somebody in your life (in any capacity) that participates in such dangerous behavior. If he opts to file for divorce then you have your proof to help with the spousal support. If he doesn't file at least you have set your boundary and for the time being things like bills will remain how they are.
If he chooses to stop paying the bills then you can file yourself (with your proof) and still have the spousal support (if I am understanding what your attny told you)
I have thought about that and I think at some point in the next couple months I will probably confront him. I am working towards that but would like to get to a place of more peace, acceptable instead of outright anger. I think at some point for closure I do want to confront him and let him know how this has effected me, how this has changed me, and how things can never be the same.
I'm going to try to start seeing a counselor that specializes in co-dependency/addiction/relationships. I have a current counselor but I would prefer to see someone who knows more about what I'm going through/what he is going through.
In a weird way, I really feel free. For so long, I thought there were all these things wrong with me and I felt horrible about myself. I just feel like this might be a good thing.
My feelings change from day to day at this point. All I know is I'm feeling better about myself everyday and I'm not turning back...
Sorry if there was a miscommunication, but I did mean it as a way to confront him. IF it led to intimacy (not sex), that would be great IF it opened him up to help.
I went to my wife and told her. I am getting more help and doing more than she thought I would to get it. Still, will our marriage survive? Only God knows if it should. You might be better off alone, as I/she may be.
Still, you love/loved him.Help him like you would for anyone who is sick. Use your love for him. IF he gets help, he may come back or you may be through with him. I've never even kissed another woman (ever), but my porn addiction is hard to clear from my brain. Imagine getting sex like one buys bananas. Easy, exciting. The cost is high to you, but not so much to him RIGHT NOW. The longer you wait, the stronger his addiction and less his pain of leaving will be.
When he asked for the ring for the wedding and made the odd comment, he showed defensiveness. Why be defensive if you aren't in pain?
Responding to an ad, confronting this woman, etc all might be pursuing, and that will not help. When my W tried cutting off the internet, breaking down the bedroom door, etc, it made me feel controlled, not helped.
Be prepared to do unusual things. When my DivMediator said I was addicted, I believed her. If my wife had, I might be too embarrased.
"I'll give you space and not be mean in a D if you pursue it on one condition, see a IC about if this is an addiction"
OR
"I know getting help for your sex needs from risky places is costly, and while you may not love me, I love you. I want you to be happy and healthy. Can I help pay for an IC or something else"
etc.
Maybe at your group you could ask how they confronted.
So, as I leave these boards, why pop in again? The worst three things my wife did were:
- Get out of my way (or Get in my way). Resentment doesn't help anyone
- Instead of supporting me and encouraging me(encourage = bringing courage), she made it the cause of our M probs ... in other words, blame. I'd guess your M has many other 180s to cover by you and him that aren't related. Example of a lack of support: one weekend, I went to my hometown where I first saw porn to identify my triggers and search for repressed memories (I found none). She got very angry that I "abandoned" her with our kids and though I should've made it a family trip (!).
- She continues to refuse her role in making our R unhappy enough that the evil I did/do could fester. Apologize as needed. It won't hurt you, but it will give a reason for him to work. He may not see a R with you as worth it/saveable, but it may pull his head out enough to want help.
I apologize on his behalf. Those of us trying to recover (slowly) recognize what we did to the other. That doesn't "wash" our brains out from the devil's tricks and whispers. Coming clean & sober from it takes time.
I really pray to God alone that you find happiness BrownEyes and others here.
This weekend I told my parents about what was going on and a good friend of mine. It felt good to finally get it out.
WH overdrew his account and took a few dollars from our billing account and put in his personal account so he did not get an overdraft fee. He has also not replenished the $125 that he took awhile ago from the billing account. Do you think I can say something to him?
"WH,
I would appreciate it if you would not withdraw money from the joint billing account. You recently withdrew $125.00 from the account; what did you need this money for? Can you pleaes replenish the money you took? Please also replenish the $5.00 that you took from the account. Thanks."
How does that sound?
Also, I'm pretty irritated because he does not seem to be telling people we are seperated. I'm not going around shouting it out to people but now I'm at the point that if I am out somewhere and someone asks "How is WH?" I will simple say "We are seperated". I have also started to tell family that we are seperated if WH comes up in convo. I know for sure this weekend that a friend of mine (not super close) went to WH place of employment and he did not say anything to her because she wrote on my facebook wall that we should do a "double date" next time. WTF?! I'm sure she asked him how I was doing. UGH! I just don't understand him.
WH still has also not moved any of his stuff out of house (just his clothes); still not moved his cell account or anything for that matter. It is just confusing to me.
I can barely stand to think about him or be in the same room with him.
Are you busting your divorce or looking for a shoulder to lean on during this separation and possible eventual divorce process?
Ask him the question, "I noticed you took $125 out of the billing account and I had some bills that were being paid and had to make some adjustments, I think we both know that this account is used for paying the bills, I would appreciate it if you would repay this money as soon as you can, more importantly are you ok?"
You don't have to kiss his a$$ or anything but you can be human, even if he isn't, there is nothing to be gained by stooping down to his level (or anyone else's for that matter) when a relationship goes sour.
