M&H - you sound so good and strong...is it in the air? I'm feeling pretty empowered and ready to go as well.
Keep doing what you doing (((hugs)))
Forever -
Quote:
I think all MLC spouses do the "but I've been unhappy for so long....". Its amazing to me how much of an ogre I was to my husband for the past 10 years - at least according to him - in an attempt to justify his affair
OMGosh...these words came out of my H's mouth yesterday...including the 10 years...it keeps growing...When the bomb came it was "in the past year"...month later I heard "2 years"...then "7years" and now it's "10 years".....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Oh my gosh, ladies! My H started out with saying he didn't realize how unhappy he'd been in the last 2 months before the bomb and he worked it upwards from there and the last latest count I heard was for 12 years.
They really do read out of the same playbook!
M&H - You're moving in the right direction! You go, Girl!!!
Anyway, I am still feeling hurt for him. I am so sorry he's in pain and choosing this unhealthy way to handle it. He's shut me out entirely because he needs to rationalize in his own head the fact that he is cheating on me. Somewhere deep inside, he remembers he loves me and we are best friends and that we were so close - until he put up his walls. She is a band aid, she is not even close to being as good as me, and she is, quite frankly, also a bit sick in the head.
Oh gosh, I remember those thoughts so well. My H's ow D'd her H and got gobs of money. She spent a LOT of it imitating the life my H and I had built together. She bought a place with more acres than I have, she built an indoor arena bigger than mine, she had my H there doing her blueprints and it is almost exactly the same design, she mimicked so much of MY life. I know that imitation is a form of flattery....hahaha!! But ya know what? my H got bored, and he got tired of the work, and that's something that ow didn't know about him. He's a bit like a butterfly that doesn't stay doing the same for very long.
MH, one little thing I suggest and maybe it's just something that I zone in on because words I choose have seemed to be a big deal with my H. Be careful about the difference between moving on vs moving forward. I always chose to move forward with my life while leaving room for my H to choose to come with me.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
M&H, I have to agree, the ending was absolutely perfect for me. I dealth w/crisis after crisis throughout the 25 years I was married to him. He experienced one around his mid 20's, 30's and then the 40's. The last one just took him over the edge. There is a history of mental illness on his mother's side of the family and I suspect he may have had clinical depression throughout his life, starting as a young child and growing up. It's funny now, but I always had something niggling me in the back of mind that one day he would bolt just as he did. I could never put my finger on it, but something was off kilter w/him. Now, I have a better understanding of how childhood issues can a huge role in later life.
Our marriage was a good one, definitely not over the moon, but it was a good one. We traveled, we purchased a home, drove nice cars and pretty much did whatever we wanted. Today, I still have all of that and more. I now have peace of mind, know where my money is going and just knowing that I don't have to account to anyone but the man upstairs.
My xh will never admit he screwed up on the last trip to alienville. Now, he's had absolutely no problem in apologizing for his screw ups in his 20's and 30's, but he's not gotten to the 40's annd 50's yet. By that time, I'll be in a motorized rocking chair watching the world go by.
Life will be good for you again...when you are ready to move forward and live your life to the fullest....you, too, are a survivor!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
WCW, I'm changing to move forward immediately. I like that and I will be more careful in the future.
Snodderly, I have been dealing with some questions lately about something you touched upon above... I don't know if my H is capable of being faithful. In fact, I'm starting to look back at his life from teenage hood on and it seems unlikely. He may be telling OW now that he loves her, she's his soul mate (yeah, we all know that line... and the brain chemicals that contribute to those feelings, at least temporarily) He and I were very, very good together - best friends, good lovers, 99% common interests, etc. Yet, every single time we had minor issues, he would run to an OW... and he did the same in his first M.
Thanks CW.
Mila, I'm so ready to see you MOVE FORWARD - let's go! So excited to see you getting your life together and the ability to make a living w/o H, should it ever come to that. (hope it doesn't)
What were his parents like? Did his father do something similiar to what you described? Did he run to someone else w/his problems when the going got to tough?
Your h could be addicted to those "hormones" that trigger the "feel good" feeling. The rush may be what he's looking for in life. There are some out there that just have to have that rush in all aspects of their lives in order to live.
What about you? How are you holding up through all of this?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh, I'm fine, and I'll be fine once the kids are gone for the summer. It's mostly them I'm worried about right now. Their mom just moved half way across the country and suddenly, their dad goes into MLC... and they feel very abandoned. I'm doing my best and probably overcompensating, but I know they appreciate it.
Today is father's day, and I invited my dad to go fishing like we did when I was little. My H somehow thought I meant for him to go with us and suddenly, it was a family day. Which is fine and I'm glad it turned out good. However, when I woke him this morning to go, he was aggravated, said that he didn't know what was going on. (DUH, you disappear for days on end and never tell us how we can reach you - no cell phone - no idea where you are, of COURSE you don't know what's going on - did you expect me to wait up until 4 am when you stroll in to fill you in on the details?)
Anyway, he showed up and we fished for an hour. I had a class to go to so I took off, and came home from church to find the kids had been ditched with the usual excuse - "I'm going to go hang with friends." So, I told them I'd take a nap since I'm just plain exhausted and then we'll go do something fun.
Anyway, H's dad was an alcoholic. His mom D him for cheating. However, H does not know that-or at least she never told him that. I don't think he ever knew that. He just thought his dad was not around and was an alcoholic, so she D him for that. It was the cheating. He cheated on her with OW#1 (that we know of), and then M the OW. He cheated on OW and that M lasted a year or two, I forget exactly, but very short. He cheated on OW#1 with OW#2, then M OW#2 - and lo and behold, guess what? Cheated on OW#2 WITH OW#1. However, OW#2 and he worked it out and stayed together until he died of lung cancer a few years ago.
Since H doesn't know this (I talked to the women - both MIL and OW#2, which is something H never bothered with) - I wondered if there was a genetic component to this.
However, H is not like his dad in most ways. He's very creative like his dad was, but he's sensitive, funny, and just a great, loving, kind man.
His Mom is a very lovely woman, H complains that she controls things too much, but I think she's just sweet and wants to make everyone happy... and that's why she is like she is. She just wants everyone to get along, and sometimes that is just not possible. She D his dad, M her best friend who gave her a platonic M just for the boys to have a dad to help raise them, and then met her "soul mate" and D the second H for the third, whom she is M to and very happy with to this day.
H has used this to explain what he's doing to his mom. That she found "true love" with her third M and therefore he is also heading down the same path. Never mind that her H#2 told her that if she ever found someone she could be romantically happy with, to let him know and he would step aside. And she never cheated on him... they were open about it from the start. H is more like his dad than his mom, but both histories are just not great in my mind.
Anyway, I think you may be able to see where his thoughts are a bit screwed up.
I really feel that there are two ways H can be faithful. #1 is me walking on eggshells for the rest of my life... not going to happen. #2 is he gets therapy...and that's what I've come to. I will accept him back only after he agrees and begins therapy.
My H's OW has no idea - she really thinks we had a bad marriage. I did warn her, but she thinks she can make him happy and I couldn't. Of course, never mind that she is also M and cheating on her H (and cheated on my H and her H with another guy at a party at least once)
Anyway, what a mess.
I miss my family where everyone is just plain normal. Very few divorces, my parents are the only ones really. And that was a mistake, as they've said multiple times. I wish my H's family had started out with MIL and FIL (Her third H) being the parents. I think my H would have wound up so much better and happier and more stable and secure in himself.
My H has very deep scars from feeling awkward in HS and like no girls wanted to date him. That's what OW represents to him. She was a high school crush. Although, he told me of his crushes and she was not included in them. And she's not his type, so I think it's a combination of he thought she was cute but never really thought much about her, but she became available to him during their recent high school reunion, and she made it clear she had no moral walls about cheating, so here we are. Replay at it's finest.
I'm looking forward to moving forward while H plays out this fantasy behind the scenes and the kids are gone for the summer. Already I've gotten more done around the house in the past month than he has in years. It will be great to get my life back in order.
I'm looking at this as a gift. During this time, I am growing, learning, fixing my finances and house, reconnecting with friends and making closer ties to family. And hopefully, H fixes what's wrong with him because I'd love to not have to say I had a failed M in my life.
I can understand now what your h is trying to figure out. He is truly trying to find the "kid" who had emotional scars inflicted upon him at a very early age. Your h is in many ways reliving the past, but this time, he is the one in the driver's seat, not his parents. If he should hit bottom and seek therapy, it will be a very long haul for him. He's got a lot of demons to deal w.
Yes, you have been given a gift in many ways and it's funny, but I said the same thing to my xh a very long time ago and still continue to look at it that way to this very day. Unfortunately, some of us will have a failed marriage in our lives, but you need to remember, you can only own 50% of the problems and from where I am sitting, you've been very supportive and compassionate to this man.
BTW, I'm glad you were able to spend some time w/your father today. I'm glad you got out of the house for a bit. As for your h, he's still in the land of Oz and will be for quite some time.
Enjoy your summer!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much snodderly. Even writing it all out just now has helped me so much to both get more understanding and come to terms with the compassion you just spoke of. I truly love this man, but my love for him has changed through this. I know somewhere in me is the romantic love I always had for him, but now the love I have is what I can only describe as a Christian love. I feel sorry for him, I want to help him and I really want to see him become the wonderful man I know he can be. (I know everyone says you can't help them, but you can. Giving them space and loving from a distance, treating them kindly and moving forward with your life without bitterness - those are all loving actions that do DO help them, I'm convinced. If you do not give them these things - they will either run away or stay stuck, and therefore since you can negatively affect them, it only stands to reason that you can positively affect them also.)
Peace all. Gonna relax a little more and then take the kids out for some fun. You all do the same.
Oh, and happy father's day to all you great dads out there.
