So long, and thanks for the fish

[LookingFrAnswers]

And my Transition Object? the other morning he referenced three artists in about half an hour:

Aver,
It's great to read this post. Beautiful, really. Does transition object have any brothers living in the midwest??

Here's a bit of info that further confirm our twin-ness - My major in college was: Wait for it, ART HISTORY!

We could chat for hours about Degas, Gaugin, Hopper, Picasso. Name the artist & I could discuss for hours! I'm an art history geek.

Anyhoo, I'm glad you are seeing someone who appreciates your interests & sense of humor.

Your are so smart to understand 1 person cannot meet all your needs, I wonder if I am guilty of that w H. He was a sports buff, I was/am a sports illerate. I grew to love baseball, can (kind of) understand basketball, learned to golf - all when I was w H. But he didn't really share in my love for the arts. Except early on, we'd go to the museum or a play.

Not that 2 people should be doing everything together, all the time. I get that. But for me it turned into, doing nothing together, ever. Well, enough about me!

You are definitely more self aware. I think what you're saying now is better than he dumped me. But I think rather than say X found someone he was happier with, why not say he made other choices in his life? B/c that's what he did.

And he may be happy BUT, Aver, quickly reviewing DB 101: if we are responsible for our own happiness, how can you be totally responsible for his happiness?

Even if you knew (& you couldn't) he was unhappy, & you did all these changes to please him & make him happier...would YOU still be happy? Would he? Maybe. Maybe not!

Am I making any sense here? I hope you understand what I'm saying. I think you are on the right track. I hope my ramblings don't cause more confusion! Just keep remembering to balance it. I get the guilt/regret too. It hurts. But it's not ALL on you. ((((Aver)))) You are doing great.

[avermont]

Oh, of course you are an Art History major, LFA! Did I ever tell you that I got to see Matisse's The Red Room in person? swoon!

It was really huge to feel that I COULDN'T say:
"X dumped me."

It hurts and sucks but is more truthful to say and know:
"X made other choices." Choices about what made him happy? or his own self-knowledge, awareness, of what he was missing in our R?

I know intellectually that I am not responsible for his-or anyone else's happiness--but--oh here I go, I can't let go of it:

What he wanted: commitment (marriage) and more sex: I wanted, too.

But the communication (lack of) and patterns were so set--I didn't see that, didn't really "feel" that, just kept bouncing along thinking that maybe someday I will/can say something...and then it was too late.

So the changes I wouldacouldashoulda made--would have made me happier, too. At least, that's how it looks from this particular perspective.

Intimacy 101: I texted Transition Object (OK, let's just call him K) a...ahem...little thank you for a particularly..ummm...fun evening (and morning! ).

Why text? 'cause it seemed sexy, modern, teasy, AND--I could say what I wanted to say without saying it.


Anyone see a pattern here?

So, after waiting all day hoping for an equally teasy little text back, K calls in the evening, and truly starts out with: Why do you text instead of calling?

Ummm, errr,, gahhh...cause I would have had to SAY what I was feeling? NO WAY! Let's remember, Aver has trouble with this INTIMACY and honest feeling/expression thing!

Now, let's also know that K is a chunk older (how much older? I don't really know! But if texting it brand new to me, it is completely not in his social expectations--tho he does pretty good at it!)

Point being--here is someone flat out saying: why don't you say what you are feeling to me?

and I completely choke on the possibility that I could do such a thing.

If this isn't something to bring to the IC, what is??

How am I going to grow and get past this? Part of it is just being shy; part is thinking texting is sexy/cool; part is--the whole reason X is marrying someone else.

Do people REALLY go around saying what they are feeling? What am I, an alien?

Well, guess my IC will be putting her kids through college with me!

Wish me luck this afternoon--for some reason I am going to have lunch with my ex-inlaws (well, it will be some closure).

But this weekend is off to NH to spend time with a good girlfriend, so that will be a good change (and I hardly have to plan at all--I just have to get there)

All advice and 2x4's welcome!

[Gardener]

aver,
Good for you and Mr. K. Listen to him. He sounds centered.

My Art History Nirvana was going up to Boston in '07 or '08 for an Edward Hopper exhibit.

Now I can die happy having seen THE original "Early Sunday Morning"!
I turned a corner, went into a different room - and there - displayed in the perfect place in the perfect manner - it was.

I lost my breath. And approached it as I would - oh, I don't know - the Ark of The Covenant or The Declaration Of Independence, or something sacred.

I was dumbfounded. And filled with joy and awe.

[avermont]

Yeah, that's how I was with Red Room.

Hopper in person would be fabulous, too.

[avermont]

Thanks for this, kml.

54, drum set, rock band, new guys. Good for you! Perhaps there is hope for me yet.

I guess the path to enlightenment isn't supposed to be easy, right? couldn't I have been given another path--like, say, a near death experience?

Doing OK--lots of grief coming up as I work thru the summer: this time last year X was....this time last summer we talked about...this time last summer X was concurrently sleeping with OW and me...

I never did like summer, anyhow! Bring on the fall, winter, and more healing time.

What to bring to my C this afternoon? how do I work on this intimacy thing? what do I want/need in my new life?

[ImprovedRomeo]

No 2x4s but STBXW and I had/have major communication issues, we can talk about the non-chalant all day but can't talk about the elephant in the room if it was related to us- I used to be able to just fine but never her and over time I learned her ways too.

Anyway, so I think it's much easier to text/email because we don't get the response/reaction right away. We're satisfied seeing only the words and not the emotions or the body language behind them. We get to take our time to craft our wording and the suspense of someone reading it and then responding it. However, all this is learned behavior (because it's convenient) that can be unlearned. We're becoming less social...as a society. With the Wiis, Nintendos, ipods etc the younger generation is losing the basic interaction skills...I see this in myself. I have the hardest time even coming up with cohesive, phrases and words when I'm trying to write something important.

I force myself to get out of my comfort zone to socialize and talk to people and sometimes I do well but sometimes there's that eery silence where everyone's quiet and we just look around and say 'yep', 'yeaap'.

OK I digress, so practice aver...practice makes perfect (and I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding applicants for the intimacy part )

[Gardener]

aver,

... what do I want/need in my new life?

The One Million Dollar question.

I've found it takes much pondering - and writing - to pare things down and net things out to just that: What. Do. I. Want.

Not accustomed to even thinking that way.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Do people REALLY go around saying what they are feeling? What am I, an alien?

Maybe people do, but I don't! Don't be so hard on yourself Aver! You're actually in a R right now. Light years ahead of me in that dept! If I have to count how long it's been since I was with a man...

Let's not go there.

The fact that you have been able to establish a R w this man, as you continue to work through your pain, is to me something to admire. Or be jealous of. What I want to tell you is, I think you're doing great!

How can you suddenly start pouring your heart out to someone so soon after having your it torn apart? You are not as bad off as you seem to think, dear twin.
Certainly not by my standards anyway. It will take time.

How was dinner w the X-in-laws? Hopefully you can maybe salvage your R with them. Anyway hope it went well.

I tried to post using my BB, havent' been too successful - typed up a long reply the other night to you, hit the wrong button and goodbye. It was lost. So stealing time at work - just wanted to say hi, check in & see how you are.

Hoping you had a great weekend. ((((Aver))))) Hugs and wishes for a great week!

[avermont]

Thanks, as always, LFA, for the boost.

I continually count my blessings. As hard and awful as this year has been, I have been very lucky in friends, family, financials.

Am I in an R with K? guess so. At least a physical one! I DO need to open and talk with him--he may be getting in deeper than either of us ever thought of.

I don't want to screw it up--a good friend, mess it up with sex and rebound and the rest of it.

Went on a rock-climbing date. OK time--but what is this chemistry stuff? how many times do you go out before you say--there's just nothing there? I guess you know when you know.

This week the thought that kept occurring to me: at the core, I am a person who was left. I am a person who could be tossed aside. I am a person whom my life-partner could leave within 3 months.

I tried to do "the work" on that. I'm sure that my core essence is NOT the above. But as Gardener says: it's the million dollar question: who.am. I. What do I want?

Lunch with X in laws OK. We avoided the elephant in the room. What is there to say? Your son ditched me for a younger, apparently independently wealthy woman, who makes out with other people's husbands in front of her lover and his partner??

I know I am very lucky in all that I have. I just have grief to continue working through.

Right? right. Work thru it.

LFA--now to your posts. The dogs, the move, final settlement of the D?

[lees]

Hey Aver.

Just checking in with a grin, a hug and a slap on the back for your progress.