She is the one who wants out and I beleive that should be CLEAR to your children. If it comes to that with me, I am going to say that I have made my fare share of mistakes but wanted to stay togethor. It is HER decsion to break up your family, not yours. As far as I am concerned, If I get divorced, in my mind it will be as though she never existed
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
I think in my wife's mind, she has this fantasy that we will remain cordial and have this friendly relationship if divorced. She has no idea what kind of a$$ hole I will become
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
She is the one who wants out and I beleive that should be CLEAR to your children. If it comes to that with me, I am going to say that I have made my fare share of mistakes but wanted to stay togethor. It is HER decsion to break up your family, not yours.
NEVER involve your children in the mud slinging. They don't care who's at fault, they are already hurt enough that one of you isn't going to be in there lives as you should and their world is upside down enough.
I do agree with the notion that it is Dan's W's job to tell them, but I would discuss exactly what she is going to say first.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I think in my wife's mind, she has this fantasy that we will remain cordial and have this friendly relationship if divorced. She has no idea what kind of a$$ hole I will become
Wow, good luck busting your divorce with that approach.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I found out recently that she has had or is still having an emotional affiar with a married man.
If you want to stay married then you need to bust this first. What kind of evidence do you have? [/quote]
Phone records. And the guy's wife called me. I did bust her on it and she says she isn't calling him anymore, but I think she may be calling him from her work. I am still in contact with his wife occasionally and I have talked to the guy twice myself. Had lunch with is wife on saturday for 4 1/2 hours. Pretty enlightening conversation. She told him and he was very upset about it and to never talk to me again.
I think in my wife's mind, she has this fantasy that we will remain cordial and have this friendly relationship if divorced. She has no idea what kind of a$$ hole I will become
Wow, good luck busting your divorce with that approach.
Sorry....feeling very pissed off today
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
Understandable, been there many of time over the course of my 'ride'. I just fret when I see folks bring their personal problems into another's situation. It's ok to vent, by all means, you'll here that 100 times over, but I'd just keep it in my own thread and make sure to mark it "venting".
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
She is the one who wants out and I beleive that should be CLEAR to your children. If it comes to that with me, I am going to say that I have made my fare share of mistakes but wanted to stay togethor. It is HER decsion to break up your family, not yours. As far as I am concerned, If I get divorced, in my mind it will be as though she never existed
I was at that place too for a while. Still not sure about dividing up pictures. I feel like I won't want ANY of her or of our wedding. Only the kids. Will just want to forget about her. She will be dead to me. But I don't actually know if I can bring myself to that place.
Funny thing is that we still get along so good. We never fought before and still don't. Since telling me in January that she hasn't been happy we have gone to a number of concerts, sporting events with the kids, visited relatives, talked, etc. and always seem to have a good time. She smiles, laughs, jokes and sometimes even gives me nice looks, but she has always been so cold about her lack of feelings for me. Then she files for divorce without telling me and just keeps pushing through. She told our neighbor that I think it is a MLC, but she knows it isn't. She has "thought through every scenario" (without talking to me about it) and she "KNOWS with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that this is what she HAS to do."
I don't understand how we can have such good times and yet she still feels this way about our marriage? I am at a loss.
Second: NEVER say never, and never believe when she says she will "never" feel that way again. I'm living proof if it helps.
Living proof here too. Realize, when she says she'll "never" feel that way again, that's of course based on what she knows now. How can it be based on anything else? The problem with absolute statements like that is, things change. Show her change, long enough, and consistently enough, and what was previously absolute is now back up in the air. Two years ago, my W was absolutely convinced our M was hopeless, because she didn't "love me like she should". A year ago we went out to dinner and had an abolutely great time. At the end she said "There's no going back for me", but I could hear a tiny hesitation in her voice. Just six months ago she was still saying she feels emptiness towards me, and can't see it ever changing, but I could hear serious doubt in her voice. Now she's realized how much of it was due to her problems, how much I've changed to be a better man, and she sees me differently now. She's very affectionate, like back when we first started dating, and we're talking about a future together. So just take your W's absolute statements with a grain of salt and let time do it's magic on them, provided you do your part and make yourself a fun, interesting, strong man she wants to be with.
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She recently said that she cares about me and we could be friends forever and hang out...
No way! This is your power. Make it clear this will NOT happen. If she wants to leave and D you, you can't stop her, but you'll be dam*ed if you'll hang around and be her BFF. My W had her world rocked when I made it clear I would NOT be her friend, in fact I would barely speak to her. I reduced our relationship to a weekly text message "What time should I pick up the kids?" Additionally, I made sure she knew I would be working toward finding a new W and building a new family, and she would no longer mean anything to me. My new W would get all of me, and she'd get a monthly check. The kids would have a new step mom, who would have fun with them and help me take care of them. I also let her know I changed the beneficiary on my life insurance to my father, instead of her, and that in the event of my death, she'd have to work with him regarding the kids' college expenses. I got in great shape, got a new life, was going out and having fun all the time. She was working long hours to support her new household, and hardly ever had fun. I took the kids to our old spring break vacation spot, but with my new friends and their families, not her. All this ate away at my W's resolve. It took months and months, but slowly she realized the brutal reality of what she was losing.
One thing I've learned is that it's very easy to minimize the value of what you've got while you've still got it, and maximize the value of what you want until you get it.
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...but she doesn't want to have any intimacy with me and she knows those feelings will never change. I found out recently that she has had or is still having an emotional affiar with a married man. She has lost 30 lbs (weighs 130lbs @ 5' 10") and has become a workout freak.
She is invested in someone else. You need to find out exactly what's going on. Does this man's W know?
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We are planning to both live in the house while the divorce is pending because we can't afford to live apart. I'm not sure that is a good idea, but I don't really have any other options. I am really hoping that she will come around eventually, but I don't know how long I will be able to wait it out.
You are making it way too easy on her. She will not "come around" by sitting around waiting. Take action. Tell her living together waiting for a D is not going to work for you. You want to start building a new life, and having her in the house is a problem. Since she's the one who has decided to end the M, she should move out, and give her a deadline. Buy some new clothes, start going out on your own, and if she asks where, say with a smile "Just out, don't wait up for me."
As for telling the kids, if she's the one who wants this, let her do the talking. Just make it clear ahead of time with her that you will not tolerate her portraying it as a "mutual" decision, and if she does you will interrupt and correct her.
