For those of us who have been at this awhile, worked through the bombshell, used the db techniques long and often...and they have helped YOU to get through most of the mess and denial...Do you find yourself arriving at the point that you'll be okay if the spouse does take a hike and get their D?
I may be there, and so I ask. I know of two gals very interested in dating WHEN it happens. One I have had no contact with, the other we have met, traded a few phone calls and emails, but we are both very much into having it finaled BEFORE any dating or going beyond friends.
No mistake, at this point I would rather have my M work out with my W. However, after much urging by friends, family, all my kids (she is their Mom) counselors and church leaders to get down the road of life (and reminding me why) I have little to no trust that she wouldn't just leave again if we got back together. Great sex and our kids/grandkids may be the most we have in common? (Yeah, I know 2 out of 3 ain't bad) but the emotional contact seems at times (most of the time) to be non-existant, and I have already heard for the last 15 years of every bad thing I've ever done to her. I just don't see that changing-maybe ever. As the mediator said who saw us a few years ago, and just the other day as I talked with him-"Do you want to see me again in another year and still be where you are at today?" And the answer is an unequivicable-HELL NO!
Has anyone else used the DB techniques to get themselves straightened up enough to come to this type of realization?
I feel a burden lifted from this. At this point I could go either way, and I'm not sure how I would handle being treated nice, no reminders of the pig I was early on, and a wife being home (maybe even cooking a meal) when I come home from work. Just being there would be waaay cool!
Yes here....was actually helping her try to find a place.
I think one of the twist with the MLC approach to DB'ing is that you get were you can make that decision on sound footing. You are making the choice that is best for you without unsound emotions involved. In other words...you are sanely in control of your future.
I am religious. After 2 weeks of nc I prayed about what to do. I was in no uncertain terms impressed to go try it again, which I did the last few days. And I did get an answer.
I failed to mention that the first night she asked me over, to go to bed with her, yet everything was off limits. I know that one of her biggies is that she feels I think that she's only good for one thing. Very untrue, but to help make the point I simply covered her up, gave her a kiss and left. I left her a message that I knew she was tired, and it was perfectly ok.
Then the next day the call to come over. We went to dinner, went shopping where she picked out some lingerie (her idea) of which I paid for. Now I'm not trying to be titillating here, but...the one piece was a knockout! We get in bed, she straddles me and the muffin is put in my face-for 3 hours.
Of course today the call came. First-she was sorry I got stuck paying for all the items to which I replied I was the beneficiary, so no prob.
Then-THE call. Apparantly this was some kind of test of which I failed miserably. Even though it was ALL about her, I should have known better and she now knew it truly was over. I told her I was not going to be beating myself up over doing something she wanted, and was no longer going to second guess what she was thinking, and let's get it done asap and as friendly as we can.
Yes, part of me is bummed that I could not save the M. The other part is relieved we now know where we are headed. This has been my life for 17 years. Following her lead, and then being blamed for doing something she just hates. I am through with doing that. And as civilized as our conversation was, I let her know the teddy's are mine, and I'd like them back.
So there we are. Sad on one hand, with more to come I am sure. Relieved on the other that I know now I no longer have to go through that, of which I told her there would be no more of that, or helping her or paying her bills. Nice but firm.
Divorce sucks in so many ways, but sometimes maybe it's just a necessity for 2 people to move on and find some peace and happiness.
The depression has not hit yet. Hopefully it will come and go rather quickly and I can keep moving forward. Holy Cow and Halleluyah all at the same time.
And then another call this evening. Maybe the "ground rules" call. No unecessary calls except to discuss pertinent financial matters or family issues. Being friendly, but not expecting to be friends per se. The way it should have been when she first filed. These are from me.
She then tells me she really was not pursuing the D until now. WTH? Nice communication there all along. Don't tell your spouse what you really want out of them, just let it be a guessing game.
Games. It'll be nice to find someone that does not play them. Just some nice honesty.
Lord have mercy, DBS, I'd WONDERED what happened to you..but then, I'd not had much time here, either.
I know this is hard on you, but maybe it's time to let the "end" unfold, and see where it goes? That's what I'm getting from your posts..you're tired of all the drama and just want some peace.
No more games, you're saying you've had enough...you are the ONLY one who can say you've had enough..no one can tell you otherwise, as they cannot live your life, nor tell you what to do.
Oh me...I feel for you; you've done all you can do, it seems.
Please take care of yourself throughout, no matter what happens from here on out.
Remember that once you go forward, things cannot go back to what they were; be SURE this is what you want..it is a major change that will happen.
Your wife will find the rules of the game will definitely change as you will no longer be responsible for her.
It may get very interesting, as human nature dictates always wanting what a person can't have, and she will definitely be unable to have you after a divorce..well, if you stick to that, my friend.
I'd continued to pray for you to have direction, and for you to be ok, regardless of whatever comes about.
Hugs to you, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thanks. Things CANNOT/WILLNOT go back to where they were.
I refuse to do that any longer. Yes it's hard to go down this road, but in ways, SOOOOO much better then being left to hang in the wind wondering what was going on. At least now I have some clarity.
To think I won't have to go through her nonsense...There will be others who think I'm just fine w/o the stupid "tests" for me to fail.
Even my kids are excited for me. My girls are anxious to take me shopping for a new dating wardrobe. They're funny.
Well, any time one spouse sets up a test for the other, the tested one is probably going to fail. You might want to point that out to her.
I understand where you are; I am to the point where I am feeling good about myself minus X. It would indeed be very difficult to consider taking him back. This is not a bad place to be, though--it means that you are have detached. I have noticed that X looks more and more forlorn as I get happier.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I think it is her way of saying he was too easy and not enough of a challenge.
All she had to do to get him back into buying her gifts and having S relations was being nice for a couple of days.
She might not even understand that herself. She wanted him to stand up for himself and be more of a challenge. Goodness knows that she knows what she has put him through, and if he is this easy, well kitty needs a more lively mouse to play with.
Sad, but I think this may be what is going on here.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
That would be an easy way to explain it, but I don't think so.
W likes sex. So do I. At the same time she will say she could go without it the rest of her life. Father molested her and her sis. Her oldest bro made her give him os when she was 12. She's never dealt with either.
She wants to please, hence "why she does what her body loves but her mind hates". Then feels terrible, and cannot be honest with herself that she initiated it and likes it, so blame it on the other party.
NO, NO, NO more is that going to be my life! She can be alone and have no issues with it. She can get counseling and try to sort through it and be honest about it, but I am NO longer going to be the fall guy in this. NO MORE!
