Should I Tell Her to Move On???

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks Coach.

In the past how did you handle problems with her?

Keep her informed of how your son is doing and how you are dealing with it. Keep her up to speed on the appraisers and how you are getting the house ready to sell. Lead it's attrac

I tried the fixing and let her handle it(passive approach.)

Obviously that didn't work.

If the whole thing with the picture at school and S2 getting hurt. W wouldn't have made any contact with me.

I'm I or did I throw the towel in to early??

After our meeting when she said she wants a D and that it is the best thing to do, along with "things would go back to the way they were" and "we bring out the worst in each other".

I know talk is cheap but her actions backed upped everything she was saying.
I know she recently hired a baby sitter for her two days with the kids. Her mom and dad used to one day each to watcdh them on second shift.

I really haven't thought about W the past month and a half.

I don't want to make a crucial mistake. She already knows I joined a dating site. I did this to show her I'm moving on and make her feel she's losing me.

[Ken62]

Hey gr8,

You seem to be beating yourself up a lot and over analyzing things. You'll never know what is going on in her head and you just have to do things for you. I know it is hard and I've been where you are now but if D is what she says she wants then give her D and worry about you and only you.

You and I have come a long way during our sitches and I know that it is always easier to help someone else out then to see it in your own sitch but you are doing the right thing. I believe what Coach said about anger is true but don't go out of your way to produce it. If it happens you can be smiling on the inside as it is going on and that might help you not be afraid of it anymore. The spew, as they say, is hard to hear but if we think of it as a positive it might help us cope with it easier.

Keep up the good work!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Hey Ken, long time no posting. lol

Other than Coach's post today, I haven't even thought about W and her actions. I thought her actions were strange yesterday when she was angry.

I don't think she still has any feelings for me. It's just her being herself. Miserable.

I see it clearly now.
Oh well, we have D5 graduation This week and the appraiser. things will work out for the best.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Since W felt she was in the dark about things going on in kids school, I texted her yesterday giving her the details on the time D5 had to be there for graduation. I also added I gave money for the teachers gift and I am bring food for the party.

She's replies--OK, Thanks.

Wasn't even expecting her to reply.

Tomoroow should be interesting at graduation. Her Mom and step dad along with her Dad will be there.

I know we talked about this before but if I don't get there before they do should I sit with them for my D sake?

Another thought I was having was emailing her stating if she would like to work on M together that I would be willing to give it a try. (Last chance for her to reconsider)

I think once the appraiser's infomation comes in it might make her think about things more. IDK

I'm really on the fence right now.

[newmama]

Hi, gr8t! I was getting caught up on your sitch.

About your ILs, do they know that YOU wanted to work on the marriage and did not want a divorce (initially)? If so, then I think it would be safe to sit next to them, but bring a camera so you can just be getting good pictures of D and then have an excuse to move around. OR you could just have your camera and start moving around to begin with, but wave hello to them.

If they think you are the one driving this D, you probably don't want to interact much with them at all.Other than polite wave!


IMO, I think you should wait and see how your W reacts about the appraiser's information before you tell her you would like to work on the M.

Are you going to be reviewing the info from the appraiser in person? I would!

Then you can gauge her reaction, and if she does start crying or showing signs of being doubtful, you can get more information about why she is crying and then see if she really wants to do this.

Now this is tricky! And this is just my opinion based on these actions:
Granted, she was the one who walked away and hasn't been reaching out toward you, but

aren't you the one who has been initiating all the divorce action since February (please forgive me if I missed something!!!)?

You started dating and made sure she knew,(and clicked on her friend's profile which probably reaaaaally bothered your W but it sounds like you explained why- hope she believed you!)

and so because of these 2 things (talking about post marital agreement and then meeting about the post marital agreement, plus dating) it really does look like you have accepted this divorce and plan to move on.

So meet with her about the appraisal info in person, guage her reaction, and then go from there. And you know something- no matter how she reacts,

You could always say "I want you to know that I really did want to work on our marriage and was hoping we would be reuniting instead of divorcing." and see what she says, too!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

About your ILs, do they know that YOU wanted to work on the marriage and did not want a divorce (initially)? If so, then I think it would be safe to sit next to them, but bring a camera so you can just be getting good pictures of D and then have an excuse to move around. OR you could just have your camera and start moving around to begin with, but wave hello to them

They both know That I have been working on saving the M. I have a great R with my FIL and told him about my M coach.
I heard through a friend that her mom was giving her the cold treatment b/c she thinks W gave up too soon.
So as for the ILs I would say they are on my side. But Blood is thicker, they will support their D decision.

aren't you the one who has been initiating all the divorce action since February (please forgive me if I missed something!!!)?

You started dating and made sure she knew,(and clicked on her friend's profile which probably reaaaaally bothered your W but it sounds like you explained why- hope she believed you!)

My W's lack of following through on things she says she's going to do really got to me. I wanted to be out of limbo. W hasn't forgiven me for my faults in the M and she said she doesn't know if she ever can.

I did initiate the meeting and the dating and other things to show her I am moving on and she is losing a great guy and father to her kids.
These were her words- Great guy and great father.

I do like the the idea about talking about the appraisal in person. It will give me an opportunity for the things you mentioned.

A while ago W did ask me(IN an Indirect way) that maybe after D5's graduation we all could go out to dinner.

At that time I told her I already had plans.

[mza8]

Hey Gr8, checking in.

I was going to reply to your post yesterday but was hesitant at first because I didn't want to steer you in any direction. However, it seems clear to me that you still want to save your M.

You asked if you made a mistake by throwing in the towel too early. Well, only you know that answer. The you mentioned that you joined the dating site so SHE would know you moved on instead of saying you joined the site for YOU. I think your W knows that by you joining that site thar you are just trying to "act" like you are moving on.

Just my 2 cents Gr8 but I think you still want to save your M. I know you say that you don't think about her and are moving on but I'm not so sure. I think you think about her a lot. I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't move on but if you still want to try then do so. Nothing wrong with GAL and not being in limbo but you can still try to work on saving your M at the same time. IMO I think you got tired of waiting and your patience ran thin. I'm sure everyone can understand that.

I know it's difficult but maybe you can continue being patient and giving this sitch more time. I think you're in a hurry to move on by going on the dating site, etc. to convince yourself that you are moving on when I'm not sure that's what you really want. I like newmama's idea to sit with ILs for part of the graduation and move around and take pics so you don't have to sit with them the entire time. IMO I probably would have gone to dinner with family for your D's graduation. I think it gives the impression you are putting your D5 above anything else. I can see it both ways but I think you should go to the dinner.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

thanks for the post mza8,

I joined the dating site b/c a friend suggested it and I thought "what the hex, let me see what's out there". Not knowing the in and outs of the site, I clicked on her friend.(The one I despise)
Apparently you can view others who have clicked on your profile. That's how she found out.

It did come up at our meeting and I told her the same thing. Then I added I joined for me, not to put it in her face.

Since the meeting I honestly haven't thought about her at all. I was out with other women enjoying their company.

As for saving my M, I have mixed feelings right now. That's why I was thinking about giving her the letter I wrote back in February. My last attempt to tell her my feelings and thoughts. And that I am OK swith what ever she decides.


It's going to be a revealing next few days

[gr8 day 2B alive]

PS from last post.

More things I did to show her I'm moving on:

Met with financial adviser who also handles my insurance and told W to contact him so she could be removed from auto policy so she could get her own.(She has not done this in the pass 3 months)

Emailed W stating I removed her as the beneficiary of my life insurance policy and suggested she do the same.(No action on the item either).

[PEI]

Hey gr8!

Emailed W stating I removed her as the beneficiary of my life insurance policy and suggested she do the same.(No action on the item either).

I'm in the industry and this worries me. Did you make your children the beneficiaries? I've seen a few cases where marriages have broken down and both parties actually make the stbx an irrevocable beneficiary as opposed to taking them off.

PEI