He's telling friends he thinks we'll reunite

[Allen A]

MarieC, was there any public exposure made by you or anyone to what he's been doing?

I don't know how he can tell people this and them believe his BS if they know he's cheated and abaondoned you.

I certainly hope you didn't keep this whole mess a secret for him.

[MarieC]

How long did it take you to decide?

Here, we have to wait a year for the divorce, which means I can file around Valentine's Day and be divorced by St. Patrick's Day. I don't want a divorce, but he's gone - living with that bimbo and not making any move that I can see (despite what he's told my friend) to reconcile - so I wonder if it's better to rip off the bandaid quickly or to just wait ... until he tells me HE wants a divorce because the bimbo's pregnant?

Any suggestions or advice?

[Allen A]

Make him do teh divorce, but you LIVE as if he's not coming back and that you don't care...

You need to detach completely from him... If you show any weakness its not going to help you here...

I am really worried about this guy's maturity though... If he's willing to do THIS MUCH DAMAGE... his coming back sin't going to help you cause he's not any safer to be around than he was when he left...

My advice is to remove him from your life and life life fully, no dating. Make him file the papers and end things if its' gonna happen. Act like you don't give a damn.

When he DOES come back since YOU've been showing him indifference he's going to realize he has some work to do.. if you act like you want him back and show desperation tehn he's giong to be a lot more pompuos and full of ego when he comes back... you want the FORMER situation, not the LATTER.

[MarieC]

Wow, Allen, thanks. It always helps to hear what other men think. I work for the army (and despite the rampant cheating), all my male friends here want to string him up, say he's a no good bastard -- and they are appalled at the dim bulb (not even PRETTY) he left me for. (She works at one of the biggest beer joints in town so people know the place - and now her.) Even the local taxi drivers tell me with disgust that she has a bad reputation ("die ist leicht zu haben!")

I don't really understand whether this is a MLC (with bimbo and boozing as a symptom) OR if he was just fighting his true character for years - I got his best self, but his REAL self is a lying, philandering alcoholic? It would be hard to pull off the latter for 12 years, but ... I really don't know. I have all of these good tender memories, but the last 4 months have been so nightmarish--I don't know where that good man went, so sometimes I wonder if he was always an over-entitled user who just was very good at covering up that fact?

Any suggestions on detachment? I think you're absolutely right that if he feels like I'm Plan B (to the bimbo! makes me want to retch!), he has no respect for me and is likely to do this again. If he gets a whiff of desperation, then you're right - I can expect a worst case scenario. The therapist helps a bit with this but people who've lived through this so often have better examples. What do you suggest for detaching? (It's so scary to cut all contact...)

[MarieC]

Hi, Allen. Somehow I missed this note on exposing.

Yes, I suspected immediately and my suspicions were proven right. I've lived in this tiny town since 1995 and am one of the few Americans here who speak German, so am known to the locals, who are very kind to me. I hope this isn't TMI, but I found out for sure the last time I slept with him, when I got the STD from him (and his behavior in bed changed dramatically for the worse - he was rough and ... awful - the worst [and last] sex of our whole marriage.) He also had a hickey on his neck, which he blamed on a chain we'd gotten for our wedding so many years ago. I bit my tongue, but took a picture of it, which I've been tempted to send him with a comment about "for your and Bimbo's scrapbook."

Soon thereafter, neighbors, taxi drivers, and shopkeepers started asking what my husband was doing with the "stupid cow" from the beer restaurant. (She's not much loved here.) I had to keep my mouth shut until he signed the post-nup, or I was afraid he would make off with half of my hard-earned retirement and savings, as he was entitled to under German (no fault) divorce. THAT was hard, but once he signed, I told his parents and all of our mutual friends. He had lied to his boss and told her that it was a mutual decision but I straightened her out, too. He's really lost the respect of the US/UK community here,most of whom also work for the military, who have seen him with her, too, as I am well liked. His employees have been telling me that they thought he was better than this. So did I. I just try not to contribute to the goissip and say that I'm not happy with the way things worked out but it was his decision and I have to get on with my life. It's not easy but I think I have to resist publicly trashing him (though I am sometimes tempted to) or it will surely get back to him - and part of me thinks he really is in turmoil - or should go to Hollywood, where he would surely be up for best actor in no time at all, because when he does his remorseful act, it really seems real.

[Allen A]

Remove all memory of him from your living area... I know you can't move right now, but do what you can to aim for that... You want to start off with a fresh life..

Don't date, don't divorce, just separate yourself from him such that you view him as a child rather than a partner... parents know how to detach themselves from their children's behaviour such that they can keep their sanity. Children act out, yell, name call, lie, and do everything they can but good parents let that roll right off them.... how?

They detach... They can still love the child but NOT let the child's emotional drama into their mindset...

Your H is the same. If HE wants to live and act like that, let him go.. he will destroy himself.

If people want to beat him up, just tell them they can do what they want to, you are NOT going to protect him while he's cheating.. if him getting beaten up is the consequence he has to bear then so be it.

This is an addiction, if he refuses rehab you have to cut him loose.. a lot of family members have trouble detaching from their addict family member... they enable for YEARS until they finally realize the addiction is USING them...

Separate yourself in your head from him... he's a child and he's lost to his addiction right now...

Let it run its course and either destroy him or he will eventually come to his senses. If anyone asks, you tell the truth. DO NOT PROTECT HIS SECRET ADDICTION.. its NOT helping him...

Focus on what YOU want to do with YOUR LIFE...

SIt down and figure out what you really wanted to try or do but never did or chickened out.. THIS is the time to DO that.

Work on removing everything of his from the home that may remind you of him... sell it all on ebay.

[Allen A]

YOur H sounds borderline sociopathic... YOu will have a VERY HARD TIME resisting him if he does contact you... You need to find yourself again...

When people marry the me/me becomes a we... when they separate you have to work hard to find that me again in the we.. Your H thinks he will find it with this OW, he won't... Affair couples success rate is less than 1%.. it won't last, I promise you that.

Don't name call or trash him no, but DO tell the truth. Tell them he was cheating, tell he gave you an STD and made a terrible mountain of lies and excuses for his behaviour and when you stood your ground to fight for your dignity he turned ran out.

Tell them you love him and your marriage and you refuse to tarnish that by name calling, but you will NOT HIDE his bad behaviour for him.

If you keep reasonable, dignified, and friendly to the community, HE will be gradually disgraced...

Don't send nasty photos or anything like that, it won't help you. it's just going to invite him to do the same back to you.

Find the me in there again. If he is indeed telling friends he's coming back you tell them you wont' accept him back... He needs to EARN it... he needs to divorce bust for a while if he wants back in.. he has to EARN his marriage back by working...

You set him straight if you see or hear from him... and you set these people straight about all the lies he's spreading around. Not mean, just state the facts and stay calm and friendly...

[Seeing Red]

Make him file the papers and end things if its' gonna happen. Act like you don't give a damn.

When he DOES come back since YOU've been showing him indifference he's going to realize he has some work to do.. if you act like you want him back and show desperation tehn he's giong to be a lot more pompuos and full of ego when he comes back... you want the FORMER situation, not the LATTER.

So why is it they get interested again when you show no interest?

When we were dating, are mutual attraction is what made the relationship progress. Now that we're estranged, why do the rules change? Is it because we always want what we can't have?

Just curious. Any thoughts or theories?

[Allen A]

Part of it is wanting what you cant have I think yes.

I think part of it is people just enjoy a challenge
Desperation rarely if ever looks attractive

Playing hard to get is a tactic as old as high school.. It's as old as the attraction itself in time... This isn't anything new here...

It may also be somethign that puppy mentioned... When you find your dignity, your voice, your self-respect, that will command others to respect you as well... your cheating spouse included. When YOU are worthy of respect, you are worthy of pursuit.

Years and years of living togehter can cause respect to fall apart.. you see every crack and every wrinkle in each other.. you have seen each other at their worst.. and respect declines because of that.. the mystery is gone, the truth is all that remains.. and some people choose to disrespect their spouse based on what they eventually find.. and in some cases what they find is a person who wasn't ready for marriage, many of us, myself included made a lot of mistakes along the way and that will lead to our spouse losing our respect. I don't agree with the RESPONSE to that, But I can understand how they can be prepared for it.

I don't suggest any LBS take the blame for an affair, but I do reccomend they take ownership of making the affair EASY to have rather than making it difficult...

The more mistakes you make as a spouse, the easier it makes it for your spouse to find the foolishness to cheat.

[MarieC]

You know what's really strange to me? He pursued me for well over a year, taking me to dinner and helping me edit a (really tough) book project (no one in their right mind would have voluntarily helped with that monster unless they were really into the stuck-ee who had to edit it.) He was patient and kind (I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and didn't want anything but friendship) and persistent and patient...

But when I confronted him about the drinking and said I was worried he wouldn't finish his thesis, for him it was just OVER... and he started a new relationship with the bimbo within two weeks (!! I don't know if I told you earlier but 2 of the local taxi drivers, on asking me what my husband was doing with that "stupid cow," told me she was easy!) He moved in with her just a few weeks after that, lying to me for that whole time and acting outraged that I thought he was having an affair.

I read somewhere that in MLC people often "affair down," and man, is that the case here.

I'm trying to find clarity and it keeps eluding me. One thing I know for sure, though - even though he told my friend he misses me and loves me and thinks we'll reconcile, he's still with that bimbo and actions speak louder than words. He can send me all the kind, concerned emails he wants, but at the end of the day he goes home to the bimbo.

And that still weighs so heavy on my heart.