One of the posters in the other thread was dead to rights about an EA with some cybersex/nude picture exchanges.
I found nude pictures of her on her phone by using deleted photo recovery software. I checked our cell phone bill and the useage, and she texts him all the time.
I installed a packet sniffer on our home network that looks for specific keywords coming through very specific ports designated for FB IM and Chat.
She is talking about doing stuff with him that I never thought she would EVER do. It is like she is a different person. He is talking about using video conferencing to pleasure themselves together.
OK so I have her nailed. Now what? I now know that she wants a D because she is getting what she wants out of this EA, and she feels she has something to go to after she moves out.
I DO NOT want to reveal how I got this info. She knows I found the pictures, and now she keeps her phone with her at all times.
But I will simply not stand for this in my own house. Any time I ask her about it she gets sooooooo defensive, and she says "I am allowed to talk to my friends", and she's very angry. She said she felt she was justified in taking the nude pics because I didn't give her the attention she needed.
Should I just confront her? My family support is very weak right now, as my living relatives are both very sick. I can't talk to anyone about this, except maybe her mom who has said from the beginning that I am her son, and could talk to her and she'd NEVER let my wife know.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 06/08/1011:19 AM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
The first thing you should do is shut down internet sevice to your home and her cellphone (if you pay those bills). I'll let the others help you elsewhere.
I am sorry and take care of yourself.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
In my long experience the best thing for a guy to do in your position is to take the aggressive stance..
YOU file for divorce and push this forward now. YOU come across as if this is now what you want.
Men who stand up to this garbage and take a strong stance are the ones most likely to succeed at this. Deep down a woman respects a man who takes decisive action. She secretly knows she is wrong.
Tell her this... "I have been doing some thinking and here is what I have decided. I have decided that you are right. This isn't working. I agree that we should separate and divorce. I think since you are having cyber sex and probably even an affair that you should move out. The sooner the better. I would like you to find a place to stay within a week."
This is said firmly and matter of fact. Not mean. STRONG and decisive. Don't tell her you love her and don't tell her you want to work on the marriage. None of that usually works. Don't let her cake eat. Send her packing and thinking she is the one who screwed up. There is nothing that wakes a person up like the reality of what they have done coming home to meet them... Let her deal with reality NOW.
The first thing you should do is shut down internet sevice to your home and her cellphone (if you pay those bills). I'll let the others help you elsewhere.
I am sorry and take care of yourself.
Agree with Sandy, but I would wait a week or so, and see if any additional useful intel turns up. Then you can shut 'er down, as there's no reason why you should financially enable her inappropriate behavior in your own home.
Just stay cool and gather your intel for now; Allen and I can help you with your "confront and expose" scripts when the time is nigh.
I'm sorry. I really do wish I was WRONG, but it's usually pretty easy to spot.
Can you tell us more about your marital sex life? Is yours a case of mis-matched libidos or any other substantive issues there?
In my long experience the best thing for a guy to do in your position is to take the aggressive stance..
YOU file for divorce and push this forward now. YOU come across as if this is now what you want.
Men who stand up to this garbage and take a strong stance are the ones most likely to succeed at this. Deep down a woman respects a man who takes decisive action. She secretly knows she is wrong.
Tell her this... "I have been doing some thinking and here is what I have decided. I have decided that you are right. This isn't working. I agree that we should separate and divorce. I think since you are having cyber sex and probably even an affair that you should move out. The sooner the better. I would like you to find a place to stay within a week."
This is said firmly and matter of fact. Not mean. STRONG and decisive. Don't tell her you love her and don't tell her you want to work on the marriage. None of that usually works. Don't let her cake eat. Send her packing and thinking she is the one who screwed up.
Tend to AGREE with this approach. I'm just trying to learn a little more about the sexual dynamic between the two of them, to make sure there wasn't any neglect or other serious issues, and also gather a little more intel. But yeah -- this is the best approach to take.
We didn't have a very active sex life in the past few months. She wanted attention from me, but rarely voiced it in a consistent and clear manner.
She said "I always came to you first! You weren't meeting my needs so I went somewhere else to someone who paid attention and made me feel good, sexy, and hot"
YES I MADE MISTAKES. I definitely didn't have sex with her enough, but she NEVER came across as this very sexual woman she is being like with this guy online. She is saying and doing things I have asked her to do, but she FLATLY REFUSED. She NEVER EVER took a nude pic for me. EVER.
I don't deserve to sit in my bedroom 8 feet a way while she talked about going to visit him and setting up skype calls to pleasure themselves together.
She is going away next week, and plans to use video IM to do all kinds of things for him. The pain is so bad I can't take it.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 06/08/1001:42 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
NO, you don't. Please don't get defensive, I'm not "accusing the rape victim" here -- just trying to understand the dynamics. Bottom line is, you probably have some responsibility in her getting to the "sexually frustrated" stage, but that DOES NOT GIVE HER THE EXCUSE TO CARRY ON A CYBERSEX AFFAIR, and then lie to you about it.
There are healthy, mature ways for couples to deal with their issues. She took the easy path. Time for QS to start valuing QS more than that, and to let her know that you value and respect yourself too much to put up with this kind of crap disrespect in your own home.
Just gather some more intel for the week, and we'll come up with a game plan. Do you think you can stay patient?
I THINK I can stay patient, but having to look at those logs absolutely KILLS me. It kills me.
I can't function today.
I have ALL the evidence I will ever need though I think. I figured out the right ICQ port for FB IM through the router, and boy did I capture it all. Every single nasty word of it.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 06/08/1002:02 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
So don't look at them again until Thursday or Friday -- could that be done? Just capture the keystrokes?
Women love to TALK, and not just cybersex. She may carry on a convo that will tip her legal hand, and/or expose any other potential threats or opportunities. If you don't think you can wait, you certainly do have plenty of ammunition already with which to confront and expose (but even then, I'd recommend waiting 48 hours to both cool off, emotionally, and also to formulate a thorough plan).
