I'm trying to imagine this intimacy thing with another person--I thought I was doing it with X--and if that wasn't intimacy--if he didn't feel connected to me on a "deep, personal level" as he said enroute out the door--then I have quite the journey to make discovering what intimacy is.
Relationship author Terry Real defines intimacy as "choosing to live in truth with another." I liked that the first time I read it, though I first thought, "though that doesn't cover it all"
The more I thought about it, the more I thought, "Yeah...it does."
Originally Posted By: avermont
Oh, dear, just started crying as I typed out "one year."
((( )))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Yes, a few of the few words I got out of him were:
"aver, we do so many great things together. But on a deep, personal level...." and he just looked sad and tired.
I am trying to balance out the words of a guy in total love/lust/affair land with the truth contained within them.
The words hurt. So I need to look at how much truth there is in those words.
And there is truth there.
Somehow, this woman touched his heart (and other things!) in such a strong way that he could totally upend his world for her. There's gotta be something there.
Sure there was something there! The passion of a new romance, the excitement of somebody new. You know all those initial feelings when you meet somebody new who knows how to make you feel special. New romance is always spellbinding, it's like a drug and compared to the mundane everyday R you have with your spouse...you know, all those bills, where will the kids go to summercamp, did you fix the car blah blah blah and then collapsing on the couch at the end of the day. Now, don't get me wrong, it is good to look back and see the part we played in the M falling apart but only at OUR part. Don't downplay the role of the WAS, they decided to land the death blow! Be honest but also kind to yourself when you look back.
((((Aver))))), Sometime tell me what the title of your thread means! Or maybe I missed it in an earlier post. Anyhoo.
Keep that balance. You are fearless (in that way very different from me!) in looking microscopically back at your R with X.
In some ways that's good, you see how you may want to changes things but in some ways it's bad, b/c I think you take too much of the blame for the R ending.
Remember, no matter what you did/didn't do, said/didnt' say, it CANNOT be all you! Keep the balance.
I don't want to see you continue to beat yourself up. I would be remiss as your twin if I didn't try to make you see a different perspective. I don't want to see you demonize X, but he's not 100% innocent here. Nobody's perfect! We've all made mistakes. That includes X.
I have to leave for a going away thingy for my boss now, I'll check back soon. ((((Aver)))))
LFA: "so long and thanks for the fish" is from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. Really hysterically funny. I can't remember exactly who/what sitch that sentence comes from, but it sort of summed up how I felt at the time I made the new thread.
Yes, I am totally still beating myself up for the failure of the R. Despite my C, despite you guys, I still see how/what I have lost, what I couldawouldashoulda done differently.
I find myself changing the story (as it I tell it to myself and others) from:
"X dumped me for another woman"
to:
"X made other choices about what would make him happy."
And that really hurts. But I am seeing it is true. X was not happy--for how long? how deeply? we don't know. And then he found someone with whom he felt happier.
Is it real? is it just lust? It's been a year, and they are planning to get married. So I have to assume there is something there.
But it is a real growth/insight to go from "victim" to "just not the right person for X."
It still doesn't give him his half of the blame for the failure, but I do think it is a better way to view the sitch.
Crying a lot today; various social things around him and X that are swirling me around; I cried and "felt" the grief and didn't push it away and didn't die.
I will keep "thinking" "it's not all my fault" and maybe it will eventually turn into believing it and feeling it.
And he never got into Monty P. and the Holy Grail, either.
And my Transition Object? the other morning he referenced three artists in about half an hour:
Him: "you look like a Degas painting there in the sunlight." Me: "I would have thought Hopper" (sitting on edge of bed in sunlight) Him: "no, Hopper is all this alienated city, and with your hair up like that you reminded me of Degas" Me: (swoon)
Later: Me: "what's his name, the guy who went to the tropics?" Him: "Gaugin"
Now both X and I had the same Art History/Theatre History classes and it's like X was never there. Could never have an Art/History/ conversation with him. Frustrating.
Point being: I, too, have had parts of me/mind/heart that X didn't meet. Didn't bother me, had friends for that, don't expect one person to meet all needs. But--potential exists to meet someone with some of the same humor/intellectual/stuff that was missing with X.
So--there's that. For what it's worth.
And yeah, won't be without my towel again. For crying or any other needs that might come up.
Went back thru a bit of your posts to see the history. A wee bit too much to wade thru, I'm afraid!
I appreciate you popping into my thread and I will go on over to yours.
It is fun (sad, interesting,sad) to see all the other posters posting away to their friends--all this sorrow, all this healing whirling around. Cripes.
Lol - hope you didn't try to wade through 7 years and 9,000 posts!!!!
My story in a nutshell - H had a brief affair, through DBing we had a great reconciliation, several more good years, but H really hadn't fixed his underlying depression issues. A few concussions later, and with his 50th birthday approaching, the midlife crisis train carried him off. I was devastated for about 2 months, until I realized how nice it was not walking on eggshells around a chronically irritable guy anymore!
Bought a drum set, learned to play drums in a rock band, got a new boyfriend who was even sexier than the ex and who shared my sense of humor (ever seen The Mighty Boosh? You would love it).
Right now, almost done with divorce paperwork. New boyfriend has issues and unfortunately doesn't want to be a long-term thing, but I sure appreciate having had him in my life this past year. Despite being 54, I don't have any worries about finding new beaus - men other than my ex-husband seem to find me sexy and interesting. But I'm gonna take a little breather for myself, and try to choose really carefully next time.
I come back and read from time to time, to see a few old friends and to be reminded of basic principles. This DB journey is truly a path to enlightenment.
)))
