From here, it doesn't seem that K gave you any indication that he was interested in a dating relationship with you after your first two dates. Indeed, he seems to have consistently turned down your advances from what I can tell. Moreover, you told him you were stepping away and he did nothing to encourage you not to do so. Basically, you did his “ending things” work for him. He took his old college GF with whom he's been in touch with for more than a year on a family vacation after quite a bit of intense dating given the distance between them.
The thing to recognize here is that this was probably more of a fantasy R than anything else -- you haven't truly lost a significant romantic partner in your life because he was not one.
You wrote: “I felt that there was something going on. I should have just asked him then but hindsight is 20/20.”
Well, it depends what you mean. “Hey, I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I feel like you aren’t interested in continuing to date, is that correct?” would seem appropriate. In contrast, “Hey, what’s going on with you and College GF? Are you running around on me? Is she more important to you than me? How could you do this without telling me?...” approach would be way over the top.
Now, it is really time to cut ties. Unfriend him. Quit looking at his FB and his GF’s FB. It’s done.
The fact is: You had an online/phone relationship, a couple of casual dates, things didn't work out. (BTW, this is a good reason to do the in-person stuff VERY soon.) Most dates don't lead to relationships, and most relationships fail. So, this is all entirely normal. You weren’t exclusive. He effectively stopped dating you after two dates. It would have been nice if he had been direct and told you that he wasn’t interested in a dating relationship. Instead, he seems to have gone the weak non-confrontational route. But, other than not being direct, it doesn’t seem like he even led you on. Again, I don’t know what you said in emails, in phone calls, etc… But nothing in what I read suggests that he tried to make you believe that he saw you as a serious dating partner.
Beyond that, you apparently seeing more in what was going on looks to be pretty need driven. Again, entirely normal after a D. But, the need is about you, not about him. Consider that you might have been engaging in a bit of replay of what happened post-bomb -- trying to do it "right" this time, trying to have control, etc... Again, entirely normal. But, again, the feelings of need and desire aren't so much about him, but about the old pain and loss.
But, there is a lot to be gained here. You know that there is a future now. You can be aware of tendencies to react to old stuff in current relationships. (There is no avoiding this, the old stuff will be worked out somewhere with someone. But knowing that helps a lot, and helps avoid going into old cycles. )
Look, pretty much everyone in Surviving goes through a second adolescence, just like the WAS did, the timing is just different. To be blunt, most folks here will have some kind of intense fantasy R based on neediness that then quickly crumbles. It hurts because the bandaid is gone, not because the person is gone. They will go off on wild trips with strangers. They will change their appearance, try out different ways of living in the world. All normal. You are just in the middle of it right now. It’s OK, have fun. But keep an eye out for what works and what doesn’t work for you. Keep your eyes peeled for when you are acting out or engaging in teenage manipulations. And I don’t mean that in a disparaging way. I mean it when I say that pretty much everyone here goes through a second adolescence. It is no coincidence that so many people find themselves in weird relationships with old teenage flames. It is part of remembering who we were *before.* It is part of figuring out who we want to become. Adolescence (even midlife, lol) is exciting, intense, rich. But it is unstable, shifting, a time of experimenting and discovery. It is a time of great opportunity too. Keep your eyes open, welcome the experience, and take better care of yourself through it than you did in actual high school (because you really are older and wiser and more compassionate), and eventually you’ll come out the other side a much fuller and happier person that you ever would have anticipated.
But, to do this, you do sometimes have to pause, stop the FBing, stop browsing for new high heels and sexy underwear, set aside the cell phone, turn down the music that suddenly speaks to you so much more now than it did the last 20 years, and listen to your wise caring objective self tucked deep inside. Look for what you take forward as you reinvent yourself into a whole, flourishing, happy, passionate person, all on your very own.
No I didn't. Short summary didn't include the conversations we had about making plans but had to deal with both businesses and his daughter's senior stuff first. So I don't think it was just one-sided (though you didn't exactly say that). Also she had never been a girlfriend(not that it matters) as he was married at the time. guess that part doesn't matter.
Anyway yes I am on my way to finding a better me. It will all be good. Just need a bit of time.
I am really excited that my parents are taking the boys tomorrow so I will actually have my 3rd night alone in 3 years!! I have no plans...maybe I should make some.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat, I miss a day or 2 around here and I missed about 5 pages worth of stuff!!! Sorry to hear about K. ((((((kat))))))))
Not sure what to say. And that doesn't happen much.
I think the great thing is you did open yourself up to a new sitch; it didn't work out, but I think a lot of times dating doesn't work out. You found out that you can care again for someone; you just have to find the right someone. It sounds like he's dating someone new, but you know that doesn't mean he's married. If you're meant to be, maybe in 6 months or a year or 2 you'll get together, or maybe you'll meet someone better by then.
Glad you have tomorrow night. You need time to recharge. I've really realized that the last year now that I have it. Have you ever looked into meetup.com. They were just talking about that today at lunch....
Getting caught up. Sorry to hear about the roller coaster. I agree with Karen - letting yourself open up to someone again is a big step forward. You will find someone when the time is right. You are a gem.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Thanks G. I am trying to be positive about it and look what I have gained but there are still some tears flowing. I can't know what actually happened because you know now he is in a relationship! Anyhow, I should have just asked what was going on rather than throwing up the wall. Would things have been different I don't know.
I have always been fairly Independent, he even mentioned that. He likes to take care of people. Not that he couldn't take care of me but I am why wait for him to do this or that for me...I can do it myself. I guess I just don't understand the women who don't take care of what they want on their own.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Since my XH got back from his deployment, he has needed to take care of other people (as a reaction to his failure to take care of himself? or maybe people there, like the guy in his unit that died?) He needed someone to be co-dependent on him, and that I am not LOL.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Maybe some people prefer to play the damsel in distress and always need someone to save their butts! All I can ask is what attractive about that??
I do know though that I need to be with someone who is just as "strong" as I am. I didn't appreciate doing so much alone, especially since I was married! Might cause some issues but hey if those can be worked out...I could be as good as gold. The real thing is that they would have to want the same thing...which is where a snag might be.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
