Btw, there's a great Christian book out there called "Healing is a Choice" by Stephen Arterburn...yah, I know, one more book! (You can get it at Bookcloseouts.com for about five bucks plus shipping)
Wow! Wii you are my soulmate! Seriously, I have that on audio book and have listened to almost all of it. I need to listen to it again...I got it about a month ago and listened on my iPod while I mowed. I have a few books by his partners in crime, Cloud and Townsend (Boundaries books). They are sometimes on Arterburn's radio show, New Life Live.
In fact, I have a download of one particular New Life radio show that I recorded because...I was on it! I called for the second time and shared my sitch and Mr. Arterburn himself told me my best chance for reconciliation down the road was to file for divorce and cut off his access to me except for kid-related, urgent reasons. I followed through on part 1 (filing and divorcing) but caved on part 2. Time to commence with part 2!! Not necessarily for the reconciliation, but to improve my mental health!
Oh and have I mentioned that my Occipital Neuralgia has been flaring up for about a week now? Yesterday I got a bolt that literally knocked me to my knees...ugh! Apparently the meds aren't cutting it anymore, I probably need to go back in for another nerve block/lidocaine injection. Yippee! Although, as painful as the injection is (right into the nerve while I am fully awake and able to feel it!) it beats getting a tazer to the head several times a day...
I'm glad you have the book, I found it really helpful and actually just picked up another copy to give to a friend. As I said, I know when I'm feeling ill everything in my life looks so overwhelming and dark. Littlest stresses and issues become emotionally huge. I hope you're feeling better today!
I am not going to dissect your post line by line. All I can say is that I am certain that we have all been there. Maybe not for the same reasons but let me rephrase and say I have been there. Let me talk about me for a while and you can take what you want from it. I now compare my relationship with my ex wife to a person that wants to quit smoking. Oh how I loved to smoke....one day I realized that smoking was not good for me and I decided to quit. It was not easy and there are various ways to give up the bad habit....but I came to the realization that it had to be done. Were there times that I would kill for a smoke? Of course.... If the cigarettes are in your face all the time and if you are taking puffs once in a while it becomes more difficult. So it took me a while to convince myself that cigarettes were bad...but I now know that they are. Some people replace them with other substances. For me it is the odd cigar....NGF is my cigar...lol. So BBJ, you need to kick the habit.....I have a hunch however that you are not convinced that cigarettes are bad for you.
Hmm...girlfriends and cigars, reminds me of the Clinton era!
Wii and John, thanks for the feedback. I know my ramblings are probably annoying to read since I have been at this for so long. Watching the kids play tug of war at school field days sure gives a good visual of 'dropping the rope' and of what happens when you both keep pulling...
I have an excellent imagination which unfortunately means I can make mountains out of molehills, in both directions. Sometimes I make things look worse than they are, but I also find hope where there isn't any! Case in point? The night I went to Dan's to tell the kids we were over, he said to me, "I think about us getting back together every day". And I let that rattle around in my brain. However he has also said "But it would never work" so I need to remember that, too. My IC is good at pointing out that Dan has taken no actual steps toward reconciliation.
OK so head first into the book this morning. I don't know how to explain it John. It isn't so much that I don't think he is bad for me.
I guess it is that I keep wishing/hoping that the Dan I had so many good times with is going to reappear, and that us getting back together is ultimately giving my kids (and me) what they want most. The thought of never having 'family bed' again is hard to bear.(both kids climb in with us, Nathan gets between Dan and I and says he's the hot dog and we are the bun. Dan and I 'squirt' him with mustard, ketchup. Nate used to love that!)
Anyway, I need to stop self-sabotaging, I need to understand that keeping this hope alive is not healthy for me...I already know from experience when we tried (I tried) reconciling before, if only one person is paddling you wind up going in circles. Time to get out of this continuous loop!
BobbiJo, your postings are not annoying! That's what this site is for, sure we can have laughs along the way but it's mostly a place where you can pour out your pain to people who UNDERSTAND and will support you. I sometimes look at my family album and end up in tears, there was so much I loved about being married and having a great family. But it's not the same anymore and yes, I hate it! That doesn't mean I have a terrible life but it's not the one I wanted, that's it. We have to do the best with what we've got. I sense how frustrated you are in knowing that "smoking" is not good for you but not being able to find that one thing that will make you quit. It's tough but you'll get there, we all will one way or another. So, feel free to keep annoying us!
Really I think the best thing for me would be a Dan detox. Seriously. If I could go 28 days without seeing him or speaking to him, I think it would help. However I don't see how that can happen esp with summer coming on and kids being out of school, we will see each other at pick up and drop off, and at Nathan's ball practices and games. Dan is a coach so he goes to every practice unless he is out of town for work. But in theory, the longer I go without interacting with him the better I can put things in perspective.
Divorce with kids is like a death that just lingers and lingers. You will always have contact with the ex and you can't really eliminate it. That's hard! I have a friend who has been separated for about seven years and every time her ex moves in with a new gf she sits and cries, and that's after seven years. She sees him regularly because of the kids. So, how do you get your feelings in check and yet still set a good example for your kids by being a co-operative co-parent. I wish I had the answer! Now,I don't think you'll be able to do the Dan Detox but you can make sure your contact is as minimal as possible. I know myself that when I'm with my wife and kids I still feel a secure, happy feeling like "this is the way it's supposed to be" but it isn't anymore but that's what I feel! I try to feel it and then let it go. Am I successful, who knows?
Insane, yep that's me! I bought this workout program "Insanity" last month to use over the summer as it is a 60 day program. Since school is finally over and my days will be less busy, I started it today.
Insanity is produced by the same people who market P90x. I have not done P90x but Dan bought it and I saw the infomercial. Once difference I know is that insanity requires zero equipment, you use your own body weight and plyometric workouts to get in amazing physical shape.
So today I did Day 1. Which is just the Fitness Test. Yeah, just the fitness test! And yet I felt my breakfast coming back up...yikes! It was only 8 exercises, each done for one minute. You write down how many reps you completed, which you will track every 2 weeks during the 60 days. Obv you try to beat your own personal best. I had to pause it a couple times bc my heart was beating so fast I wasn't ready to do the next exercise. Guess my lungs aren't ready to be cooperative just yet! However I finished drenched in sweat which is a good feeling to have...
Special thanks to Dan for showing me his inner @sshole again today. That helps me with my reality check!
I noticed I had missed texts on my phone. I read them an hour after he sent them.
1)The computer and video games need to disappear PERIOD for the entire summer these kids are gigantic wimps and are in horrible shape
2)And the TV
Sigh.....
I have ignored thus far but feel like I really need to say something. We are not parenting by dicatorship here. We can either coparent cooperatively or unfortunately we can just parent independently with different rules and routines in our households.
I am open to a conversation like this "Hey, the kids don't seem to be very motivated to spend time playing around outside. Let's both make it a priority to get them up and moving this summer."
But his blanket rules of NO movies, NO games, etc etc is just ridiculous. Every month I am getting better at getting the kids active and moving. Initially post bomb when Sydney was only 18 months, I will admit I was in a fog myself and spent way too much time on the computer, letting Nathan watch tv rather than getting him outside. However I am getting better now and getting outside and playing around with them.
So he needs to just relax! I had a few replies in mind:
1)Call me when the glass is half full
2)When you want to discuss things as co-parents I will be happy to talk about this
3)In other words you would like the kids to get up and get moving more often, I am good with that
OK I had several more but most aren't fit to type!
Seriously he needs to stop. I hope he didn't actually say that to our kids, that they are wimps and in horrible shape.
He is like vacuum trying to suck the joy out of everyone's lives....
I guess bc he is THE BOSS at work he thinks he calls the shots everywhere...but guess what? I am not an employee...
The greatest disappointment in my life thus far is/will be that I could not give my children the chance to grow up in an intact, loving home with both parents. However that is beyond my ability to control. What I can control is my ability to show my kids a strong, loving, happy, playful, forgiving mom with strong character and integrity. So that is what I will do.
**I came to this conclusion in the shower. I was thinking about how athleticism is not my strength--I do better at individual things like dancing, running, biking, weights where I compete against myself and where I don't have to be coordinated with a ball! I can do golf ok, but again I am not passing the ball to someone or trying to hit a moving ball. Make sense?
Anyway I thought about what I have passed on to my kids since it is obviously not the athlete gene! And you know, my kids have a real sense of relationship with God. They know who Jesus is and what He did for us. They know what it means to be a good friend and that it is important to be honest and responsible. Nathan is an amazing reader and speller, just like me. The kids also have great senses of humor, like me. So if my legacy is smart, funny, faithful, honest kids, that works for me. Not that I won't encourage physical fitness. But I just have other priorities...
Seriously, I have that on audio book and have listened to almost all of it. I need to listen to it again...I got it about a month ago and listened on my iPod while I mowed. I have a few books by his partners in crime, Cloud and Townsend (Boundaries books). They are sometimes on Arterburn's radio show, New Life Live.
Case in point? The night I went to Dan's to tell the kids we were over, he said to me, "I think about us getting back together every day". And I let that rattle around in my brain. However he has also said "But it would never work" so I need to remember that, too. My IC is good at pointing out that Dan has taken no actual steps toward reconciliation.