Yeah, John, I am sure he knows it too. I don't say it but I am sure it shows, besides any time we have ever had an R talk in the past I have said that ultimately I wanted us together again. And when the D was being finalized I told him it isn't what I wanted and he said it was 'necessary'...
Kerry, I hope that you are right...sometime I will find a good guy I just don't think Match is going to be the place...
So John I was just thinking this afternoon I should go dark because it still feels sometimes like I am too 'available'. When he wants to call, we talk. When he wants to text, we text. When he wants me to practice ball with him and Nathan, we do. It's all pretty much on his whims.
Tonight was rough on me, I wasn't expecting that but it was. He called to see if Nathan's shoes fit (he bought him two pairs and dropped them at the house this morning). I missed the call but texted that I thought the smaller pair fit. Anyway he called twice left two voicemails and then called back to say he was coming over before the game to check the fit of the shoes.
Well I fed Nathan supper and was in the bathroom when I heard the front door open. By the time I came out, 90 seconds later, he was gone. He just ran in looked at the shoes and left. Duh that's what he said he was going to do! Yet I felt disappointed that he didn't even wait to say hi to me. Not his problem, mine...
Then I took Nathan to the game, we parked by Dan's car and saw Nate's hat in the back window. I went to the field where Dan was helping coach and asked for the keys so I could get his hat. He stopped practicing and said he would go get it. Again, not a big deal but I felt insulted that he didn't trust me to go get the stupid hat. Not like I would search the car or anything. (btw I saw the inside when I walked Nathan back to the car after the game and it was a holy mess! And here he always complained about my car being messy!)
Then, his mom and dad showed up with Sydney and her two cousins who were in town. They are all staying at MIL/FIL tonight for a cousin sleepover. Then SIL/BIL showed up with their 14 yr old who was going to also spend the night and help babysit. After the game Dan walks over and asks them if they ate yet, do they want to all go for pizza. SIL says she and BIL have plans but MIL/FIL and all the kids agree to go.
He turns to me and says, "OK I will run by later to get Nate's shoes"--I brought him a change of clothes but forgot to bring his shoes and he had on baseball shoes. I am so stupid, I felt like I got slapped in the face. I guess bc we have been spending more time together with the kids, talking/texting more, I thought once he brought up dinner that he would want me to go too.
So yeah, I need to go dark. For my own PMA and peace of mind. I let myself get expectations otherwise and as someone whose husband had more than one affair, and then divorced her, I have no business having expectations.
On the bright side, Nathan was 2-4 tonight so that was great!
I do think a little less contact with Dan would be good for you. And as time goes by, hopefully he will not need to text or call you as often. He has his mommy to validate and take care of him now.
Sorry you were disappointed by hubby tonight but that's what makes ex's so special, that innate ability to disappoint even after they're gone. So if I were you I'd just go home suck back some cough syrup and Wang Chung tonight. Btw, the Jays beat the Yankees tonight!
Thanks everyone! Right after I posted I got in the car to drive up and buy "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". As I was driving I thought to myself, "Will another book really help me move on? Even if it tells me what to do to 'heal', what if I do what it says and I am still stuck?"
Then I had an unbelievably huge epiphany. One that I know I have had before, but not this clearly. It was cathartic, really. I wound up sobbing for about two minutes in the car as I voiced my feelings out loud, honestly.
So several years ago I caught an episode of Dr. Phil. In this episode, a husband/wife talked about losing their little boy (4 or 5 yrs old) in a drowning accident. The mom said she could not ever laugh or smile or relax and enjoy herself because the moment she did, she thought to herself, "How can I be happy when my little boy is gone?" Basically, she felt like if she healed she was betraying the memory of her son...
So I thought of this because I came to the conclusion that
I don't want to heal and move on.
I asked myself, Why? And the answers came pouring out. I don't want to heal and move on because if I do...
*It means I will never get my husband back. I am the only one who has been trying to work on things, so if I quit, it's just over.
*I am giving up on the dream I have for my life, and for my kids' lives, that of raising them in a home with a mommy and daddy who love them and love each other
*It means I agree that getting divorced was the right thing to do
*I am okay with my kids having to shuffle between two different houses and have no/few memories of family experiences growing up
*I won't ever be Mrs. R again, I won't ever be able to say, "My husband..." when talking about Dan to someone.
*Then ow won. Because I didn't get my h back from her, whether she is still with him or not, she was the last one who slept with him while we were married.
*I will not get to honor the pledge I made on my wedding day, to join with him for the rest of my life...to model what a real marriage is for my children (with their dad, I am not talking about generalities or potential future mates)
*I am betraying the things I told my children, that I did not want their dad to leave, that I love their daddy and want(ed) us to always be together and to get back together one day
*I will not be able to continue imagining a future where Dan pulls his head out and has an epiphany of his own, and becomes the kind of husband and father that my kids and I deserve
I am not saying any of these things are true, valid, or reasonable. But they are the honest feelings that came to me when I realized, I have been resisting the idea of moving on/moving forward all this time. I know, it makes no sense, but it is the way my mind has apparently been working all this time.
My R with Dan has been my safety blanket, my pacifier--every time I let it go I start to feel naked and vulnerable and so I snatch it up again...and since the actual R isn't there anymore, I snatch up my visions of how it could be one day and I allow myself to read into small gestures on his part to make them larger.
Anyway, that was what I realized driving to the store tonight and I had to write it down and let it out.
BobbiJo, I admire your honesty with yourself and that is half the battle. When does the point come where you say "enough"? When do you say "BobbiJo deserves more than this"? I truly understand your thoughts as I stayed with my wife for years trying to make it work, win her back and I failed. Divorce is a horrible thing and the fact that you hate it as much as you do says what an amazing person you really are. Letting go is a process and often a long one, give it time. Let go a little at a time. One less phone call, one less text...you get the picture. You'll let go when you realize it's what really must be done. Now, I also think you're still not well physically and I know myself that takes a toll on my emotional well being as well. Get some rest and heal, physically and emotionally, it was a tough night for you. Pray for guidance, His love is always there, we just need to plug into it. Btw, there's a great Christian book out there called "Healing is a Choice" by Stephen Arterburn...yah, I know, one more book! (You can get it at Bookcloseouts.com for $3.75 plus shipping)
