Well, H took off from work today. I wonder where he's going. It is probably better that I don't know. Why do I want to know? Is it because I want to be a part of his life still? Or because I want to punish myself by knowing what should be kept secret so I don't hurt? Part of me still feels like I possess him, I guess. He's taking off from work, which is the livelihood of this house, to do something he won't disclose to me. It feels like he's stealing from us... and I have to let go of that because it's his life and he has to make the mistakes or not. When he said he was leaving, I panicked and started immediately thinking of ways to figure out where he was going... why? Who really cares?
Anyway, he noticed my new vanity plate yesterday that used to be his mother's after she got D from his dad. (he cheated) He stood on the steps and looked at it and said "Does mom know you got that?" I said, yes, she helped me with it and thought it was a great idea. He just stared and I ignored him. We were on the way to the store to get food for family night. We stopped at the corner store where the cashier is also a dog sitter. I had asked her to come by this past weekend to care for the dogs, and she asked if I found someone to do it. I said yes, but H was not happy. He was home and thought I had meant to imply that he couldn't handle the dogs. Of course, that was part of it. Last time, he left them to poop all over the house... but he's more settled now, if that makes sense. He mostly stuck around this weekend and they were cared for. So now he is upset about those two things.
Then we found a 2 liter bottle of soda in the back of my car. I do not drink soda, never have. Have absolutely no idea where it came from, and I'm sure he thinks we were using it to drink with. No idea, but I gave it to the kids as a treat.
Anyway, lots of poking the tiger, but none of it was intentional. He's just not happy. I could feel the stress and almost anger coming off of him as we drove to the store last night. He recovered quickly, but it affected him a lot. Why? (just journaling here) Is it b/c I was moving on? Or did he think I was implying he was not capable of handling the house?
This morning the kids asked him for lunch money and I gave it to them. He didn't have any. H was not happy with himself over that. I'm sure we'll see that he has lunch money for them from now on. He's trying so hard to be "single dad" and the truth is, he doesn't see how little he does and how much I still do.
Weird, about 4 months ago I fixed our dishwasher. It had been broken for a year and we never got around to fixing it. H had tried and failed and we were supposed to call a repair man. I looked online and found that the sensor had been tripped and it was as easy to fix as holding two buttons at once. Anyway, I never said anything to H b/c I didn't want him to feel like a failure. He asked and I explained what I did without making a big fuss about it.
Today he asked me about it. "I think it's great how you fixed the dishwasher. So, you just held two buttons? I looked online and couldn't find what to do." I just said thanks.
Strange that it came up, that's all. Guess I'm just journaling... weird stuff from H today.
He's trying so hard to be "single dad" and the truth is, he doesn't see how little he does and how much I still do.
Originally Posted By: Marked&Healed
It’s also not fair about the yardwork on top of all the rest of what you’re holding together. We as LBS’s have to take care of maintenance on our houses, keep the home clean, shop for groceries, take care of the children’s needs (if there are children), in some cases, take care of a business or rental house, pets, work full time, deal with depression, keep up a front, learn about MLC, read books, go to counseling, GAL, etc. It’s so much and some days you just want to curl up and scream. And add detachment to that list… AHHHHHH!!!! There, I feel better now. Give it a try.
M&H, I read these two posts, one of them from Mila's thread and just wanted to chime in. You really hit the nail on the head.
Some days I do scream, I have my kids almost 24/7 and somehow manage to do all the same things. I have made up my mind that whether my W realizes it or not I am going to do all this stuff and more.
I sometimes feel like I am killing myself but I can tell you it gives me a big sense of pride that I can do this by myself. When my W does come over to the house and notices some sort of improvement or that the yard is looking good I do wonder if she "gets it".
They are too wrapped up in their own world and selfishness to appreciate anything we do.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I don't think they get it at all. I remember that right after he left us and left me to do everything by myself I had that conversation with my WH. His reply was "We all have our roles". Wow, I never thought that I would hear him say that to me. I guess he feels that because he is still there financially (I'm too) he is doing his share.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, that's totally it, men often feel (no offense guys, it's much appreciated) that the money is the way they are to take care of their families.
MHL, I really, really pray and believe that one day God will restore my M. However, if I am reading Him wrong and he doesn't intend to give me back my H, then I secondarily pray then that I meet someone like you who is willing to go the extra mile for someone he loves. You are a prize. All you men on here are prizes, and I pray and hope that one day your wives will wake up and realize what they have.
And yes, you're right, it does instill a sense of pride and also awe that we are able to accomplish so much.
Mila, that's totally it, men often feel (no offense guys, it's much appreciated) that the money is the way they are to take care of their families.
yes...it is the "hunter/provider" within them...very instinctual!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I love men. Have I said that? LOL. I guess this is just my lonely side coming out, but I miss that hunter/provider. Nice strong arms. Sigh.
H is not home. Left at 8 this morning and no word since. I'm not caring really, I feel detached, I am just journaling. He told DSD she could sleep over a friend's house. He's been doing that a lot lately, on school nights. Tomorrow are standardized tests and this family will not make them go to bed at a reasonable hour. I hope she doesn't bomb the test. He's trying too hard to be nice to her.
Many people say that it doesn’t matter WAS or MLC, they mimic each other and the actions are the same, but I disagree. There are a few small, but significant, differences, and I want to lay out my ideas here and ask you all for input. It may be an important distinction for newbies and I wanted to make sure that my thinking was clear on this. I meant to put this more succinctly, but it came out as a brainstorm. I will work on it to make it more clear as you guys comment.
Please comment and let me know if I’m wrong. First, the signs of MLC that differ from WAS:
1. Time, obvious, will be much longer in MLC 2. Sensitivity to outside influences. As someone who’s H went through a WAS A back in 2003-2005 and now is MLC, I can tell you it’s different. I was able to influence him last time, this time I cannot 3. RUNNING away – most if not all of them leave. In my case, H is emotionally gone, he has his little “bachelor pad” in our living room, but most will get a place, move in with OP, etc. 4. Blaming – they all seem to blame the spouse and project their guilt as blame before they come around to doing the internal work and finding the issues are within themselves. 5. Reconnecting with their past in some way, whether through old flames, old friends, old activities, old geographical locations, etc. 6. Depression – it seems to be always present, but may be short lived – and manifests itself as medicating behaviors – OP, drugs, alcohol, speed (racing), running, etc.
Secondly, the actions: In WAS-world, it’s easier to get along with focusing on H/W a little more. Detachment is still important, but being that it will be a relatively short time, you can do things like let him catch you wearing cute stockings and going out. In MLC, you must move on as if your spouse is gone and buried, because if you spend any time thinking about them, you will go insane. It will be such a long time that you’ll literally lose all your feelings and “move on” if you do things to get their attention.
In both worlds, it’s important to GAL, set goals, take care of yourself, etc. Those changes should be permanent and for you. However, in MLC world, it’s important to consider going dark/dim much earlier because, let’s face it, the MLCer needs SPACE and the more you’re in their face, the more they run AND the more crazy you become. Detachment must happen in a bit of a different way in this MLC world. That’s because in order for you to be able to have any feelings for your MLCer in the future, you need to protect your fragile feelings now. Just like your MLCer does, you need to wrap them up carefully, put them in bubble wrap and save them in a nice, pretty box for the rainy day that they return on. You need to detach, go dim or dark or NC and just GAL right away. They are so busy blaming you that every single thing you do in the beginning will be used as ammunition against them and nothing you do right will be noticed or appreciated at all. A WAS will notice, maybe keep it to themselves, but they will notice. This is because MLCers are not rational human beings. A WAS IS a rational human being – but be careful of this caveat… a WAS that is not in an emotionally bonded A is a rational human being. The second you add the addiction of an emotionally bonded A, the bets are off and you will be under a similar microscope to the one the MLCer uses.
In MLC-ville, you have to be prepared for total crazy, looniness. It’s true. My H told me he didn’t think I was moral b/c when I was a teen, I jumped out of second floor windows to sneak on buses to NYC to get high with friends. I mean, crazy, totally paranoid, made up fantasies. He also told his friends and family he was afraid of me. I’m 5’2” and he’s 6’2” and a third degree black belt. He told them I cut myself, but neglected to mention that it was 23 years ago, for about a week, all my friends were doing it, I was a young teen, and it was 11 years before I met him. He has these weird fantasies and ANGER and spewing.
In WAS, you have rationalization for their feelings that may be from left field, but the anger and spewing and monster behaviors are just not the same. And again, you can rationalize with a WAS, but not a MLCer. When I told my H I never jumped from any windows, he blew his stack. This is a man who NEVER yelled at me, who suddenly yelled until I thought he’d blow a blood vessel in his temple. It was scary, crazy and just an alien totally.
In WAS, we speak of doing a 180 as if it’s a temporary thing to get their attention, in MLC, the 180 must be a true change in lifestyle and personality and not a tactic. I agree, all changes should be permanent, but ie, Michele speaks in her book of the woman who goes in and bangs a table when her H was yelling and that was a 180. That wouldn’t work in MLC.
Now, many behaviors are the same. You should all detach, GAL, take care of yourself, set goals, etc. However, goals even can be more WAS focused but not MLC focused.
