Thanks Puppy. I am trying to go slow and steady, but it's proving a bit difficult. I didn't plan last night at all. I thought I'd just drop the couple things off and just stand inside the door of her kitchen, like I always do. After I rang the bell and caused the dog to bark like crazy, she said "H, you don't need to ring the bell any more, just walk in whenever you want." She was friendly and asked if I wanted to come sit and talk for a while.
Maybe a good thing I have to go out of town all next week. It'll give this a chance to sink in. This trip came up very suddenly, and it is so fortunate. Things like that really give me faith someone out there is watching over me. Puppy, you asked a while back if people are praying for me. I don't really know for sure, but I think so.
I already had plans made for the kids and me on Memorial Day. I mentioned it to W, and said that I'm not ready to re-introduce her into my life yet. She totally understood and said she was going to a party at some other friends house. She is being incredibly cool about everything.
She also told me she got all her cc debt paid off from her buying furniture and stuff for her house (and trips to see OM, although she didn't mention that) after we "split up". Interesting, she always refers to it as we "split up", not "she left". Our M really was a mess, and a big part of me ended up being grateful for the massive kick in the as* this all gave me, so it's hard to be a stickler about little things like that. Instead of giving me secret interview questions, now it's like she's selling me on herself.
You don't know how funny the whole family therapist comment is. She is a marriage and family therapist, with a very successful practice. We had been in MC on and off our entire M, with little positive impact. She says she's done with it, for us. I agreed. We have such bad memories of it, I have no interest in going back. So far she and I are communicating very well. We said "With all we've been through, if we can't find a way to talk this out ourselves, then we'll know." When we hit the big topics, like her A, that'll be the test.
So far so good. Had a cookout at W's house Sunday, then went to see a baseball game with the whole family. Great time. W has shifted so far toward me, I still don't fully trust it, although she's given me no reason not to, so far.
Our son would not let W off the hook when she didn't say something exactly right, and she looked at me and jokingly said "He sure is your son", referring to my tendancy for exactness. I said "You're going to have to live with it" and she replied "I fell in love with you, so something inside me must like that quality." She brought up some past times when she was particularly difficult in our M, and she apologized for them. She teased me about one time I was particularly difficult, something she had previously been holding a BIG grudge about, but now she was light and comical about it. I apologized for it, and explained why I was so difficult. She said "Why didn't you tell me that then?! I would have been so much more understanding about it!" I said "I thought I needed to be Superman, and not let anyone know about my problems." She hugged and kissed me.
At the baseball game, we were sitting in the sun, and it was hot, and our youngest daughter was being a bit of a pain. Five years ago W would have turned into a complete b*tch, but now, we were joking and rolling with the situation. We just have fun now. It looks to me like she is so happy to be a family again.
The flirting between us continues, in person, in e-mail, and texting. I am making it crystal clear to her that she is very special to me, above and beyond the kids. She is very touchy-feely with me, and always moves into me when I make any kind of physical move, completely the opposite of three or four years ago. She is starting to throw out comments about where we should retire, and possibilities of getting a new house. In the past I would have reacted to statements like that as though she was making imminent plans, pointed out how impractical it all was, and shut her down. Now I know it's just her dreaming, and go with the flow. I ask her questions and try to draw out all the facets of her dream.
I'm away on business travel now. Our oldest daughter got very sick last night, and had a high fever. She's had such a bad year health-wise. I had to call W early this morning to arrange for a change of plans so I could transition D6 to her in the morning, rather than bringing D6 to school. My call woke W up, and she was very groggy, but I didn't even get a hint of annoyance. She was warm, and helpful, and changed her plans so I could make my flight. I don't know if I can trust all this yet, but if this is what married life with us can be, sign me up.
If it helps anyone out there, my W literally told me that it was when I really pulled away from her, and she had to face the prospect of life without me, that she really turned around.
And oh yeah, this is a little out there for me to post, but it was something discussed in the SSM forum here a while back, and it resonated with me.
There was discussion about how sometimes a H needs to grab his W forcefully and kiss her like he really means it, like he's "claiming" her. After the baseball game, I went into W's house to drop off a couple things, kids were still in the car. Since we were hidden from the kids' view, W and I made out a little bit, and then I went to leave. Instead I turned around, walked right up to her, grabbed a handful of her hair, pulled back so her head tilted back, she cried out, and I kissed her like I meant it. Afterwards, I said "Ok, that's it, I gotta go" and I left.
The next morning I got a text from her telling me to have a wonderful day, with two xx's at the end. I love these forums!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hey Future--how are you doing? Did the trip clarify things? Give you a break? My XH keeps texting me. I think he wants to try again...or to have me rescue him, I don't know which. Was on vacation with a new man this weekend--XH doesn't know about it. But it felt good to be with someone who seems to care about me and want to take care of ME, instead of the other way around. And the new man is kind and insightful to boot. I feel like he fell from the sky, in a way--my sister says he did fall from the sky and its to keep me from any temptation to reconcile with XH! My XH has been so hurtful to me that I can't imagine trying it again. But I worry about the kids. Is this for the kids or for you? Or both? I'm just curious because I'm seeing some parallels with my sitch.
If it helps anyone out there, my W literally told me that it was when I really pulled away from her, and she had to face the prospect of life without me, that she really turned around.
If it helps anyone out there, my W literally told me that it was when I really pulled away from her, and she had to face the prospect of life without me, that she really turned around.
BINGO.
Puppy
Future, did this happen after A with OM was over or during A? I think that my W A with OM is preventing this from happening because she has him as a backup.
Thanks and I'm really happy for you!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Hey Future--how are you doing? Did the trip clarify things? Give you a break? My XH keeps texting me. I think he wants to try again...or to have me rescue him, I don't know which. Was on vacation with a new man this weekend--XH doesn't know about it. But it felt good to be with someone who seems to care about me and want to take care of ME, instead of the other way around. And the new man is kind and insightful to boot. I feel like he fell from the sky, in a way--my sister says he did fall from the sky and its to keep me from any temptation to reconcile with XH! My XH has been so hurtful to me that I can't imagine trying it again. But I worry about the kids. Is this for the kids or for you? Or both? I'm just curious because I'm seeing some parallels with my sitch.
Hi musclegal-
Great that you've been out with someone. Definitely feels good to be liked and appreciated.
Hard to separate my motivations between the kids and me, but ultimately, it has to be for me. This spring I finally proved to myself that I can be a good single Dad, and that the kids would be okay if W and I divorce. I had pretty much thrown in the towel on my M. My W hasn't gone out of her way to hurt me. Her actions did hurt me, no doubt, but I could tell this all had more to do with her than me. Since the beginning of my sitch, my W has maintained a line of kindness back to me. If she had been openly vicious and cruel, it would be much harder for me to consider reconciliation. I also liked that when my W approached me, it wasn't grovelling and begging, but just stating where she was, and what she was willing to offer. My ego wouldn't have minded a little grovelling and begging, but that energy is not good for a R. Just ask all the WAS's how it makes them feel when the LBS does the begging. Not attractive.
One thing I've learned through all this is the power of time. If you don't know how you feel, or if you can't imagine trying again, then say fine, and re-evaluate in a month or two (or six!). If your H is truly serious, he'll wait. Be a great Mom, enjoy yourself, and have as much fun as you can. When my W and I came back together, it was because we missed each other, and it was fun, not painful or serious. We have some serious stuff to talk about, for sure, but I'm spending time with her because I really like her and want to. I see evidence of real growth within her, and I'm willing to stick around to see how real it is.
