I don't think she's spoken too badly about me to others. We actually work together (on separate floors), and I haven't picked up on any negative vibes from anyone.
If anything, she's told a few people that our marriage wasn't working and that she wasn't happy. In other words, she blames our marriage. In her mind, her feelings for OM, in her words, "shown a light" on the fact that she couldn't stay married anymore.
Like so many others, she gave me the ILYBINILWY line. She may not "feel" love for me now, but I honestly believe she still cares a great deal for me. She felt a lot of guilt after she first left 3 months ago, and guilt has always been the number one emotion that's plagued her over the years, but I think some of her guilt has subsided since leaving. She thinks she's happier now, especially since she's got OM and they're still in the "it's all good" stage of the affair (which probably started as an EA online about a year ago).
She's a peculiar woman. She may still be in the fog, but she very well may be completely serious and certain about her choices. She's always been mostly an all-or-nothing person, and, when she makes up her mind about something, she rarely changes it.
Of course, one could say she changed her mind about being married to me after 17 years, so anything can happen in the future. She could change her mind again.
I'm preparing for either outcome. I'm GALing and moving on as if the divorce will happen, but I'd also at least consider reconciling if she were to leave OM and want to try again. So far she's not given any indication that she wants anything of than a divorce. Since she's still in contact with OM, I'm still doing LRT.
You all continue to be a source of strength. Thanks for your help.
LightMyWay, infidelity is NOT the same thing as a romantic relationship.. Its an addictive relationship between your wife, and a fantasy.
Your wife is addicted to the high of the affair and the excitement that comes from sneaking around, lying, the taboo of it all... Affair couples success rates long term are less than 1%.
Your wife, in short, is DELUDED.
She further does NOT understand what commitment means... Your post above makes it sound as if you have given up and are extending respect for her affair and her current life arrangements... Don't do that... Your wife's emotions come from your energy and the messages you extend to the community.
If you maintain she's cheating and harming herself, you, and her family it will wear on her over time.
Read the article below from Penny
------------------------- Love As An Excuse For Infidelity
Penny R. Tupy 2003
So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.
The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.
This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.
For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.
Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.
I completely agree that W is addicted and deluded.
I suppose part of me has given up, meaning I'm trying to move on since she's shown no sign of changing her mind. Another part of me would consider reconciling if she were to show interest.
I don't know how to influence her directly if I'm doing LRT and NC with her. I didn't think trying to reason with her, which I've tried, or talking about our relationship was a good thing according to MWD.
I can expose her affair to more people, but so many people don't know how or want to take an active role in affair busting.
What suggestions do you have so that I'm not extending respect to her affair?
The problem is to put it simple is that in the context of infidelity I disagree with MWD
She does advocate you being the better person MWD does advocate you becoming more inviting MWD does advocate you not pursuing
BUT... MWD doesn't reccomend addressing the elephant in the room - the affair - directly... THAT part there are several infidelity experts who disagree with her... MWD is not an infidelity expert, she hasn't written extensively on it, doens't specialize in infidelity with therapy cases either...
The problem is as you put it, a lot of people don't know how to deal with hit when confronted with it as an outsider either... But their default response is to SUPPORT it by NOT doing anything.
If someone beats someone up and you stand there and watch, you are in a small way beating that person up too... This is common reasoning for many offences.
For infidelity many people don't know how to handle it so they just bury their head in the sand.
Ask people to take a stand, educate them on the subject. Take them out to dinner and try to help them understand that if it were THEM, they would want YOU do support them rather than hiding...
Infidelity in my opinion is bordline criminal offence... If someone broke into my home, spraypainted my wall, took my stereo and ran out, THAT would be FAR less devastating than what the OM did to my home.... But for some reason infidelity gets a free pass...
Try to help these third parties understand that they don't even have to DO that much... just REFUSE her ACCESS
They just have to tell your wife
I don't condone what you are doing to your husband, your family, or your marriage. Go home. As long as you are acting in this horrible and embarassing fashion you are not welcome in my home or around my family. Please leave
Imagine if all of your wife's friends took this stand... Imagine how long the affair would last if the whole community spoke up with one clear, respectable voice of reason like that... People can't surive without their friends, without their community...
Women in particular cannot continue to support a man that the community does not respect... It wears on their long term outlook for the future of the affair... If they realize NO ONE will even TALK to them... the affair will die much more quickly.. Its all these ostriches hiding away that really fuel the affair to continue... Or the worse case... They invite the "lovely couple" to dinner!
It's not just exposure, its HOW its done... It's WHAT is said, how much leadership, respect, and direction you offer up when you speak with each audience.
People aren't educated in this matter, they need education and practical direction...
If they don't WANT to help, just ask them to turn your wife away... that's not asking much... all they have to do is block your wife's calls, turn her away at the door... Basically shut her out... one confrontation so she knows WHY would be good... the more the better...
talking to your wife is pointless. Attacking her infidelity publically is better... OR attacking it from the OM perspective
OM is attacking my marriage, my wife, and my home... This is creepy, sick, and disgusting... Please tell this creepy guy to stop stalking my wife... Do you want that kind of person around your children? A man who will mount someone else's wife in some sleazy hotel? You want your kids exposed to this?
i often compare infidelity to stalking, bullying, or child molestation. There is quite a bit of overlap.
The thing is you are competing with hollywood and the music industry romanticizing the whole thing.. you need to PAINT a MUCH more HONEST picture of what it FEELS like from the inside of the affair...
VIOLATED
In all three examples above violated is the common theme.
Some creep forces himself into your life in a ruinous way to get some sick thrill out of the attack... And no one wants to talk about it so he often gets away with it..
If you want he to change her mind you need to fight the affair, not her... Fight it from the community, not from text messages and whatnot.. that's how many people seem to go at this these days and it doens't work...
Go to people's homes that she visits, take them to dinner, educate them on the problem and ask them to turn your wife away with an explanation and advice to go home... no apologies to her, just "go home" and show your wife the door.
You can't wait for your wife to show interest... LRT doens't work if you just distance yourself and hope for the best... this means the affair will run its full course and take MUCH LONGER to END...
Those on this forum that FIGHT the nonsense end it much sooner than those who dance around it with a smile on their face.
I'm just curious. Is your story posted anywhere? Did you bust your divorce? I don't know if your story included an A, but if it did, how did you break it up?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My story isn't posted here no... A large part of the A had its run before I was posting here... I didn't learn how to combat an affair until well into it and a lot of damage had already been done
My wife did have an EA and PA off and on for over two years with OM
I confronted my wife about the A immediately...
There is no ONE "how" to it... I used a variety of approaches reccomended by MWD and experts on the subject as well as some of my own invention...
What worked and what didn't? In some cases it is tough to say...
My wife didn't move out, though it was threatened several times. We are still together now... OM's been gone for 8+ months now...
It is recent, and a long time ago.. it went on for a very long time on and off... to me it feels like a long time ago because it started in 2006... didn't end until 2009... though it ended several times between those dates
Most of the advice I am offering is hindsight advice... Oftentimes when you go through something like this you are terrified and have no idea what to do, or don't have confidence in the advice... AFTERWARDS 20/20 kicks in and many people here say the same thing... If I had known this THEN things would have been much different.
Some of the advice I offer I did myself with clear positive impact... Some of the advice I offer here I never had a chance to do, but I am sure it would have helped if I had the chance to do it. Once you have been through it and are on the other side you can see much more clearly what works, why, what doens't, and why...
Detachment is a biggie... it too me a very long time to figure that one out... It is a lifesaver once you learn how to pull it off...
