I agree 100%. My changes have been huge, and I am thankful this has happened.
The challenge is I have interaction with my ex way too much. On Friday I was out to dinner with her and our kids, then last night she came by to pick up my daughter. She came in my house and was hanging out with my kids and then gave me a hug when she left. She just seems to want to smooth things over so it's all cool between us. I just can't seem to get past everything yet. My ex got up walked out the door without trying to even talk to me, has a new life now and just expects me to say "oh well". I made a commitment to her for life, we have a family. I will never take the "oh well attitude ever !!
So yes, I am very grateful this has happen but not happy that I don't get to have a traditional family life. I get to experience my children every few days and that is it. I don't let resentment get in the way of my life with my children at all. It's just that I miss being a family.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
You have been growing--your W did something immature and selfish.
You DO have interactions way too much. Stop "smoothing it over" with her. She did break up your family. Focus on that and treat her more like the stranger she is. Be cool, aloof, and not mean, but not warm either.
Why does she get a hug?? Make her work for it--she hasn't done anything to deserve that. Make YOU the priority here. What do YOU want.
(I know, an intact family is what you ultimately want--but that isn't reality now--stick with reality)
What would you be doing if you were dating someone else--meditate on that before you have interactions with her.
You have to stop playing victim here--even in your head. Be proud of you. She may *look* like she is having a fine, wonderful life. Don't be so sure. Has she grown? has she matured? did she run from problems? without saying a word? What work has she done on herself so that won't happen ever again?
Detach, look at her from a distance. Trouble is coming her way. You just wait. Nothing about her is different--everything about you is different. Your next R is going to be SO MUCH BETTER. And it may even be with your W--but you have to do some more work too.
Whit, I know exactly how you feel as far as the family thing goes. That's all I ever wanted since I was a little girl. I don't have contact with my H because he only sees our D13 and she is old enough to go outside when he beeps for her.
So it hurts both ways. I want to cry every time I hear him beep his horn for her to come out, wishing he would come to the door or something. It just seems I guess that when they are around it hurts no matter what.
LO is so right and I'm glad I read her post to you. It made me feel better also. Thanks LO.
Ohhhhh, here comes the roller-coaster again. Today I was planning a summer trip for me kids and I. I felt sad that my ex W would not be a part of this. I actually felt a loss for her.
I picked up my kids from school and my 5 year old was telling me all about his weekend at the cottage with his mom and her family and all the great stuff they did. I am so resentful to hear this. My ex W and I moved back to Canada from NYC to build our own cottage. I have 2000 hours into the place. Well, it was just sold recently. All I can think about is my ex W over in her new cottage with my kids. I was thrown out like a piece of trash.
Of course today she contacted my all sweet and nice asking if I could take the kids to the dentist next week. I work on my own so I like to do this stuff as it's additional time I get to spend with my kids.
My ex W has an ohhhh so fabulous life now. She is now really close with her sister and her parents. Of course she was not when we were together.
Ya, I am feeling really bitter right now !!
See, we all go through the roller-coaster of emotions daily !
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
FOCUS. (Get some goals in place for detachment PLEASE)
Make plans for you and your kids and STOP wishing she was there. Why? Because you want your kids to do exactly what they did to you--go on and on about all the fun things you guys did WITHOUT HER. Do NOT be mopey in front of those kids!!
Let HER feel left out--and she will!! OMGoodness--they are at that precious age that they are doing new things every day. And dads bring out a different side of thier kids. SHE KNOWS THIS and it will KILL Her to be away from them. GOOD. SHE DID THIS!!
She is very immature--make her GROW the heck UP!!
Nobody will love her kids like their dad--nobody on the PLANET. It's a very, very strong force you have on your side--you need to understand how IMPORTANT YOU ARE!!! This is a HUGE and WONDERFUL opportunity for you!
Make those plans. You don't have to do anything expensive. You could get cardboard boxes from the grocery store and make a fort--they would be in heaven. (be glad you don't have teenagers yet.lol) Speak to her MINIMALLY. text MINIMALLY. Do not jump when she says--STOP THAT. Let her MISS YOU--make it TOUGH for her. Make her be alone with her THOUGHTS.
Make sure the kids don't speak to her if they are having any sort of meltdown (like at that age they always do). Wait until they are in a GREAT mood and have THEM call. If they say "Mom wants to talk to you." tell her you'll call her back you're busy--and make her WAIT ON YOU.
Gee--have a bit of fun with this will ya! She may be in that cottage alright--in it and MISERABLE if you just stay a few steps ahead of her!
Cottages and houses are THINGS. FAMILY is EVERYTHING!!!!
You know it's funny how we all go through this roller coaster. One day we feel great and the next not so great. Today I am feeling great !
Firstly, I can't thank you enough for your perspective on this. I really never think of the situation the way you are. It's especially great to hear a woman's view as well. I just assume my ex could not be happier with this situation.
You know you are so right about the cardboard box thing. My kids love doing that.
This weekend I have my 5 year old son. I have arranged for us to have a tour of a power plant. He will love seeing all the big machinery. I also just bought tickets to see Green Day for him and I. It's going to be his first concert. He is through the roof excited. My 7 year old daughter said she didn't want to go. She is more into Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. She and I are going to Carrie Underwood in a few months.
My daughter took to school photos of her meeting Taylor Swift and Kellie Pickler from the weekend. One of the teachers that is fond of me commented that she would have loved to have gone with us. She told my daughter how lucky she was. She did this in front of my ex. My ex said "Chloe, you have the best daddy ever".
Anyway, yes you are right. I will continue on having such a great time with my kidlets. The truth is I was doing not too badly when I had NC with my ex. I got messed up when I got sucked back in. Must stay strong and keep ahead !
Thanks again LO. You have been helping soooo much. Feel great that you are helping someone else !
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Listen, if she appears "happy with the sitch", it's because YOU have HELPED HER!!
OMG! if I left my H and he was at my back and call and there were no consequences, heck, I'd be happy too!! I deal with a lot of BS from my H--I'd love to have the "best of him" with nothing else!lol.
This is the week that you have a TON of fun, and W gets to grow UP.
Don't let anything stop you from helping her grow--expect sadness, anger, whining, tears--oh well. Every tear she sheds is because she MADE A MISTAKE and is REALIZING IT. Tears mean GROWTH.
Again--MINIMAL CONTACT. Your cell was out of range, or not charged or...whatever. I would even go for like 2 days if the kids can stand it....
This is the life SHE CHOSE. Now let her deal with it!!
NC and consequences that are painful--you must concentrate on this. She thinks she can pick and chose what parts of you she wants--DO NOT let her THINK this!!
YOU have let her have that idea WAY too long. Your kids need a mature woman for a mom, not a child. Think of THEM FIRST. She is now last on your priority list.
You're a fantastic dad--I'm very excited for you and your kids are SO BLESSED!!
So this weekend I have my son and my ex W is taking my daughter to Montreal. I have a action packed weekend planned with my son.
My ex just emailed me the following:
"Hi. I left some clothes for you in Kelly's backpack. He also has some reading to do this weekend so please take it home with you. Have a great weekend with him! We are flying out at 4pm and return before 6pm on Sunday."
Do I even bother to respond to her?
What if she phones this weekend to see how we are doing should I just let it go to voice mail?
Last edited by whitneypinch; 05/28/1004:07 PM.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
