Validate, don't try to use her sharing something as an excuse to go into fix-it mode. Do NOT try to make her see the light. Do NOT make it about you. I'm assuming she shared something that hurt...
"W, that must be so hard for you. I can see why that would be painful. I'm so sorry I contributed to that pain."
You all are being great sources of help and inspiration during this trying time.
During NC, if the WS brings up something about our marriage and her feelings, sends an e-mail, for example, should I engage and respond, or ignore and continue not talking about our relationship or her affair?
I don't want to pressure and push her away, but I don't want to miss a chance to talk about issues that might lead to healing and reconciliation.
Thanks.
INSUFFICIENT DATA.
This is why I believe in continuing intel. When such a note is TRUE OUTREACH, it should be responded to sincerely. When it's gaslighting/deflection/deceit, it should either be ignored or respond with a "I wish I could believe that right now," or some such.
When I read back on my detailed journal for when my wife was going thru her affair, and I see how much of what she says was flat-out DECEPTION, and think about if I had responded to it as if it were TRUTH??? . . .
Frightening.
If you're not sure which it is, a vague "I agree; this is hard on all of us right now" or some such is always appropriate.
Right after we separated, we talked about reasons for W's unhappiness with our marriage and herself. Then I discovered A and realized she was blaming marriage and escaping thru A.
While talking about finances yesterday, she reiterated her unhappiness with her life the past few years (a lot of work pressures, etc.).
What she doesn't see yet is having and continuing A isn't the best solution to her unhappiness. It brought feelings of infatuation and excitement but has only made more trouble for her, imo (she's now helping to support two households, the OM may not have a job, and she's got a longer commute to work b/c she chose to live in another town).
I think in her mind she thought leaving me would make her life easier, but it's only made it more difficult.
I asked my latest questions because I didn't know if engaging in dialogue with her about what she said yesterday would do any good. I did send her a short line similar to the ones suggested but didn't know if something longer was appropriate while doing NC.
People in affairs are ADDICTS. To the extent that "engaging in dialog" with an addict will yield fruitful insights, then yeah -- it'll work.
You're more likely to get blameshifting, gaslighting and deceit. Not a real problem in and of itself, if the betrayed spouse SEES it as that, but the problem is, many LBSs take the convo to heart, start adjusting their strategy, and making all kinds of DBing mistakes.
Still doing LRT & NC with WS, except for brief exchanges about legal and financial separation matters. Based only on cell phone records, I assume WS & OM are still together and living together in nearby city. WS is reluctant to address the situation directly, most likely out of guilt.
A close friend of WS has noticed flashes of WS's "old" self before affair fog. What does it look like when a WS comes out of the fog?
I'm DBing and GALing and moving ahead with my life. I'd like to show WS how well I'm doing and how I'm not waiting on her if she doesn't want to remain married to me. Should I do that? How do I do that and still do LRT and NC? It's hard to show WS what she's missing if I'm never in contact with her.
W has contacted me a few times via e-mail or text but only to ask divorce-related questions. She stopped by our house today (she's living elsewhere, supposedly with OM, but I'm not certain about that anymore) again to discuss divorce. Have been GALing myself.
Being only three months since the bomb drop, I still have a lot of anger inside and things I'd like to say to WS about her affair, betrayal, deception, etc.
It's my understanding, however, that DB says I shouldn't talk about our relationship or her affair b/c that might be construed as pressuring, etc., by WS. Is that correct?
I'd love to let all these feelings out in her direction, but I don't want to appear weak or like I can't move on without her. Any advice?
