2 years later it's still not getting easier

[LauraOh]

I think if she doesn't really acknowlege the dinner in a positive way (as she may have had a lot of conflicting emotions too, and got scared) the next timee you see her "going cold" you should back off and not go.

Depends on what type of person she was--did she do things half-hearted and then have "good memories" later? or if she was pushed to do things she didn't want to do, did she have negative memories later.

Going dark means just that--you don't really come out of it much if at all. It seemed to have worked well for you, but then you came out pretty quickly to accomodate her.

Don't jump at every invitation. If you do go, be "distracted" when it comes to her--answer some texts and have a mysterious air. Let her be curious what you are up to.

[whitneypinch]

Hi LauraOH,
Thanks for the reply !

You are right.

I just want to ask my ex why did you want to even go out to dinner? Of course I won't.
I think when she is pushed to do things she does not want to do, she does have negative memories later.
But I didn't push her, she was the one that asked for us to all go out.

It's just that it has been over 2 years and I thought here is a baby step. In two years I have had 3 invitations so it's hard not jump at them.

I have to go back to being dark as it served me better.

[Goodfight]

Augtan,

I do know what you were going through on Friday. I have all of the feelings you have. I just want my H to come home and tell me he loves me and wants our family back so bad.

I just don't know what to do....my H isn't with OW yet. But it is his parents that are telling him to D me already. I know I wrote about the in-laws but how the heck do I get a man that was always afraid of his F to just come home. I found out over the weekend that mine does think of coming home and wants us but is too afraid of what his parents would do. So he has a lot of confusion going on in his head. Talk about messed up. He doesn't even contact me or anything, but loves me and the kids all of this is so confusing.

But anyway, how do you fight for your M when the S is afraid of what everyone will think and what their parents will do? Has anyone ever heard of this before? It's usually an OP involved not parents, especially at our age.

I pray and pray every day and night. I found rejoiceministries through this website and get the daily devotionals and thought maybe God was telling me to stand for this M. I was always praying don't get me wrong, but being so lonely I almost went out on a date and everything until I found the site.

I was also told that I'm not strong enough yet to have H come back because he is very needy and always was, and also that he is in such a bad state and I have to be strong because of all the baggage he will be bringing home with him as far as his family goes.

So like this site tells you to do....go dark, no pursuing, etc and so does the rejoiceministries site and far as no pursing, I will continue to stay dark and fake it till I make it.

Just hope that I can last, I have to get strong in order for H to come home. I started on Saturday with cleaning out the closets in our bedroom, I need to do the whole house. I have put so much off the past 18 months because of being so depressed and I know I have to get my act together.

To be honest, I know I will probably be down and out tonight. This really stinks.

[Goodfight]

Whit, I haven't even been asked for any invites in 18 months. I did invite H to D's 13th Bday party. It was a skating party for just her and her friends and he never showed. Then both of my children have the same Bday so I invited H to the house for cake just for the four of us and he said no to that too.

That was back in October towards the end of the month then on Nov. 15th he calls late at night and asks if I would make him my Mac and Cheese and he would pick it up when he dropped our D13 off and I go and say yes. It wasn't done by the time he dropped her off so I had her call him when it was done and ask him if he wanted me and her to drop it off of just me and he said it didn't matter.

So I go alone, and one thing led to another and I thought things were getting better for us and that he was seeing the light but NOPE. He just went right back into the tunnel, so I do know how it is to just jump in and want to be with them.

My point is that with in 3 to 4 weeks he had different feelings or emotions towards me. I don't get how they are either. How I wish we could get into their heads and know what they are thinking and help them already.

My H doesn't see things like a lot of other people do here or maybe it's because he is afraid things will get back to his parents but to not go to your own child's party.

I see a lot of people on this board that get together for things that are separated or divorced, but not mine. Just wish I knew why mine isn't like them. It really hurts the kids.

But he was raised like that, so I guess maybe that might have something to do with it. His parents divorced when he was 2 and his father married the OW. So his parents never got along after that, I can't believe how much they hate each other to be honest. And I don't want it to be that way with our D but I don't know how to fix that either.

I didn't find this website until we were 5 months separated. Wish I would have found it sooner. I made way to many mistakes.....begging, pleading, you name it.

Well, that didn't take too long, I thought I would be sad again tonight, but within hours I'm sad again already.

[LauraOh]

I truly understand how you would "jump" at the chance at going to dinner. But I would carefully moniter that as much as any other interaction--and yours just screamed from the beginning "don't do it". She waffled, was moody, etc. It just wasn't going to work out well.

Go dark again--really dark. Let her get curious. And either don't go to the next one (probably a 180 for you) or act very distant to her and very warm to EVERYONE else. Be very careful here--if you "jump" normally when she says "jump", you are very vulnerable to looking like a pursuer which is very unattractive.

Have you read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy? This will help you fight the tendencies you have to pursue.

I almost think a guy like you SHOULD date--they can smell it or something and you give off some "vibe" that they pick up on. I know--it's probably a horrible idea on so many levels--but try to capture that "vibe" somehow.

[whitneypinch]

Thank you so much for posting again.

I am just burnt out of all this crap.
Unfortunately I think this going to all come to a head soon.
I am sick of all this "dance".

Yes, I am open to dating except I know myself...if I meet someone that I actually like I will never look back.

As far as Goodfight....as you have heard over and over, no mater what we do our ex's are on their own journey. The best thing for us to do is just get out of their way and let them continue on, without us.

As you can see from my experience...going out with my ex was not so great. In hindsight I wished I had not gone with her. It just left me empty and wanting more.

I will go back to my no contact and only respond to my ex when required.

BTW my daughter and I got to meet Taylor Swift on Saturday night. She was the nicest, most personable person I have ever met. She bent down and hugged my daughter and said she looked like a fairy. I thanked her for being such a great role model.
She hugged us both and they took a photo of us.
It made me realize that there are genuine people out there with decent values.

[whitneypinch]

All of us are struggling so much here.
I just want us to all think about something. Think about the legacy we leave our children.

Really take the time to do something truly memorable with your kids. Something so good that they will remember it after we are gone and do that with their kids.
It does not have to be a monumental event. It could be something small. But just make sure it's really thoughtful and focused on the child, you and the experience.

For me, knowing I will leave my kids with such incredible experiences gives me the greatest fulfilment I can possible have in life.

[LauraOh]

You know, this journey, the reason we are all here--it's not "fun", it's definitely got a lot of twists and turns we didn't ask for.

But when I think about my son, and all I have learned here--I *know* I have been a better mom, and I BET you--I KNOW that you have been a wonderful dad.

There is a profound sense of "what is important" in us that our WAS's may or may not have--but we DO have it.

I don't know if I would have been able to focus so clearly on him if it hadn't gone the way it has--I used to worry about a dirty house, or friends, or ....so many other things took my attention away.

This sitch has given me such a clear head that THAT STUFF means NOTHING. When I am with my S, I am WITH him in the present. And I know his LLs.lol. That is certainly a gift.

I've been doing this 6 years off and on. I could get really bitter about that. But I look at my now 14 yo S who just got an award for his grades (4.0 the entire year) and some special recognition for some plays he was in. I have focused on him for the last 6 years, and I don't regret anything in my sitch--nothing. I almost had ADHD with him before--the other stuff was SO distracting.

Your outing with your daughter--wow--so special. Such a treat. But even in the littel things you do, you are different now.

In a good way.

[whitneypinch]

I could not have said it better.

This has been the worst and the best thing in my life.

It has given me appreciation and compassion.

It has helped me really focus on what matters.
Sadly, that also brings me a realization of how much
of my kids lives I miss.

But each day is a new one.

[LauraOh]

Again, focus on the positives.

There are ways that YOU ARE DIFFERENT. Positive things that would not have happened.

You may have been home with your kids 24/7 if this had not happened--but would you have been "there"? I was with my S for the first 8 years and wasn't.

You mention compassion--don't you know what a gift compassion is? If you are a more compassionate person, every aspect of your life is now "different" in a positive way. Your children, all the people that you come in contact with--they will benefit. I wasn't a compassionate person. I was selfish and self-absorbed. Now I "see" and "feel" when people need me. And I express my needs so much more freely--and they are met in the strangest, most interesting ways. I was very unpopular in school--very mousy, very nerdy, very shy.

I feel like a rock star--I have more friends than I know what to do with. Amazing.

I also went through college in an unfocused way--graduated with barely a C average. Had no direction. Fell into a job. Not what I want to do "for the rest of my life".

I am back in school. Again, focused like I have never been. I want all A's. I am 25 years older than those kids. They are so kind to me--I just love it. I raise my hand first--no more shy, mousy person.

I am now at 47 more toned and fit and healthy than I have ever been in my life. I can focus easily on my exercise goals. I used to HATE exercising. Now it relaxes me.

My H married one person. I am now another. Do I ever want to go back, even if it means losing him? Nope. Adjust, or get out of my way. I'm having way too much fun.

Focus there Whitney--look back. Focus.