25, I think I'm doing better as far as the detachment. I have felt much better since after Sunday, Mother's Day and Anniversary for some reason. I don't know why I feel better but I do.
I just hope I don't slide back again.
Thanks for your stories, although the last one was so sad about the H passing away.
it wasn't sad really. Bittersweet perhaps. But if they had not recon, then he'd have died a lonely bitter death. Instead, the kids saw forgiveness, boundaries set and enforced, and then respected, and reconciliation and love. That is what he left behind as his legacy.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ok, I know I'm not suppose to get caught up in H's drama and stuff, but I'm really worried about him. D13 said that he is a mess, is crying and drinking very heavily and not getting any better but worse.
I know he won't open up to anyone in his family or with his friends.
Is there anything I should do? Can't keep thinking about how he said he wished he would die already.
I haven't been on the boards much so I haven't been completely up to speed with everyone's sitch. But I started checking in today on a few people's to see how they are doing.
I agree with 25 in let go. I think the austrailian bush is a great example to use. You have to get to a point like that. I am now at the point and have been for some time where I don't want to know what my W is doing. I don't ask. I'd rather not know. It is easier to not think about it if I don't know. We live separately. She is in her world, I am in mine. I think about what I need to do and what I have coming up and how I am going to handle my situations.
You said you have been at this 18 months. While nobody can tell you the future timeline, I think 2 more years isn't unreasonable. Could be sooner, could be longer. But by you imagining him gone and out of touch, it does force you to think about your own life and what you are going to do with it. It is a good thing. I had to get to that point. I am now at 21 months from the second bomb. 28 months if you want to count the first one.
Your H will have no where to go but up once he hits rock bottom and that is when you might hopefully start seeing some positive changes in him and maybe, maybe in your sitch.
Life can be hard, yet enjoyable. It all depends on your outlook. My life isn't always easy. It is down right difficult at times. But you just have to take the difficult situations and find the best way to work through them and they will pass. They always do.
Quote:
I don't know why I feel better but I do. I just hope I don't slide back again.
I'll be honest. I am not convinced you have detached. You go through periods where you feel better and then something may happen and you revert back. It is a roller coaster. But you might think about when you do feel better, what was it that made you feel better? And how can you apply that same feeling and circumstance again if you start sliding back? I think if you are feeling better, it is important to know why if possible.
Take care,
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
No, I haven't detached completely......still working on it.
Don't know if anyone remembers but I said I had a funny feeling that H's parents are calling all shots. Usually in a MLC it is OP but nope, I have IL's I'm up against.
Just found out over the weekend that IL's are telling H to divorce me already and making stories up about me and what I'm doing so he doesn't want to come back.
He is drinking really heavy, getting in trouble at work, and like I mentioned above really depressed.
I don't know of anyone especially at our ages that is afraid to try to work on M because of being afraid of what their parents will do or think. He has been thinking of trying to work on our M according to this person but his parents don't approve.
I never knew how afraid of his parents he was until a few years ago when he lied to them about something that was so trivial. When I asked why he did he said he didn't want them mad at him. I said that's crazy, he said it's called respect and I said no it's not respect it's being afraid and there is no reason to be afraid of your parents.
Has anyone ever heard of DBusting when parents are involved with this illness instead of OP?
Just can't believe I might lose my H and our family over IL's.
I know some of you are going to give it to me and say he needs to man up to his parents if he wants this M restored but I don't think he will. This person said he is scared to death.
If other people truly are calling the shots on what your h does or feels...then you have the answer. You are not in control of it. Let it go. I mean, what else can you do if that's actually true? You can congratulate yourself on not being with someone who is under the control of his parents and drinks heavily and is possibly suicidally depressed. You can get some therapy so you learn to know why you'd find someone like that so important to your happiness. Or you can let him go. Get a life, have a PMA and do the things the book says so often. DETACH...it really is your only choice, regardless of the circumstance. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
From what I hear, he loves me and is still in love with me but he is letting them call the shots. I know I have no control, but on a good note it seems like his head is clearing and this person thinks that he will end up telling them (his family), that he is going to do what he wants to do.
