2 years later it's still not getting easier

[Goodfight]

Hi everyone,

Just hoped over to this forum to get some hope, and boy am I getting it!

It has been 18 months since my bomb hit and thought it was way too long for H to ever want to come home.

If anyone gets a chance can you please advise me on how you got to the point you are at?

I want to save my M and get my family back together as a whole again.

[whitneypinch]

Well....you have to do all the DB stuff.
Get a life, have a positive attitude and then decide if you can handle contact or not.
Some people go with no contact and that helps them. It really helped me !
No relationship talk. Don't be needy.

Just hope that your H wakes up and misses you but don't wait for it.
You have to go on living and do that best you can.
It's a hard journey and we all know how you feel.
Come to the boards for support.

[Goodfight]

I've messed up so much on the DB stuff. He would push my buttons and I would give it right back.
I'm still very depressed, on AD's that he was on for 12yrs. and stopped taking them. That's when all of this started.

I just started the no contact thing again. Made mistakes because we had relations in Nov and then just in March and brought up dating and he said that Sundays weren't good for him because of his work schedule change. I just said ok. Let me know. BIG mistake. He went right back into tunnel.

I at least want us to get along for the kids sake, for now. Don't know how to even get to that point.

[whitneypinch]

Don't be too hard on yourself, we all backslide. It has taken me 2 years to get the DB stuff right and often I still backslide.

Try to not let him see he is pushing your buttons. I only text my ex so it gives me time to cool off.

The best way to get along is to just focus on the kids stuff that is necessary.
Don't talk about anything personal other than just being a kind person.
Don't forget to validate (for the time being) what he is saying to you as apposed to fighting with him. Remember the saying "it better to be happy than right". Think about every thing you say to him with this filter: "Is this going to make the situation better or worse?"
I might suggest that most of your dialogue could be in emails or texts.

You have asked him for date and he ran so don't do that any more (2 x 4).
Just show him a positive, fun person and hope that he wants to come around.

Be cautious with the "relations" thing. Sometimes it brings people closer but most of the time it just hurts one of the people deeply.

(((((We know how hard all of this is))))))

[Augtan]

Whitney is right, the sooner you can do the DB stuff the better. It has helped me so much over the last 2 months to keep detatching. It has been a slow process, but gets easier everyday. I self-talk a lot, telling myself that saying and doing certain things like checking his facebook, having r talks, getting upset and crying, calling him, IMing him, texting him, will do me NO GOOD at all. We have a very werid relationship, but my ex is classic MLC!! Look it up on wikepedia and you could see his picture..lol!! So, when he is out of the tunnel things are good, and he seems to be staying out longer and longer. We live so far apart that it is easy for me not to want to know where he is and what he is doing, cause I can't just get in my car and go try to find him, etc. We have slept together the last few times we were together, but we never really stopped doing that, a few months when he was really hot and heavy with OW we didn't, but he even cheated on her with me!! The DB book says if you can have relations and feel okay to do it, that it is a bonding experience no matter what, but at times I think men can do that and not feel much at all. And, I think my ex is one of those men. So, that part of it depends on you and how you personally handle it and stuff.

This is hard stuff, and I most days wonder why I am even trying...the man cheated on me, got caught, promised never to do it again, left me saying she had nothing to do with it and they weren't together, let me move 700 miles away with his kids, found out he was with her again and had been long before he moved out, let our house go to foreclosure, runs like he is 21 again, lives with another man in a rental house at 43 yrs. old...I could go on and on!! So, I have to ask myself what is wrong with me that I want a man who can do all these things to the woman he was married to for 18 years and his own three kids?? But, for some reason I can't stop loving him and wanting our family together.

Hang in there and come here for support. Be confident and happy and eventually you won't have to fake it anymore.

A

[Goodfight]

My problem is that I don't see him at all. We don't talk about the kids or anything anymore. The only reason he contacted me in March was because I asked him if he could help me get water off of the pool cover and he said yes.

But not to do it yet, because of the ice under it. Then a week later he texts me and asks if I got it off and I said no, and we joked back and forth about the pool and he said he didn't want to come to the house cause my girlfriend was there, and he told me his door was unlocked. I thought I was going there to talk, well one thing led to another.

The next contact was on April 7th when he dropped D13 off and gave me their left over pizza and D13 said Daddy said to give this to you and Happy Easter. I texted him and said thanks and happy Easter to you too. LOL

The next contact (April 29th)was when I asked him (nicely) through text to please watch his computer cause D13 saw some stuff that was not appropriate for her to see and then all hell broke loose. He called and accused me of cheating on him while being M and I told him (wrong thing to do DB) that I didn't cheat and still consider us M since we still are unlike him. He said he doesn't consider himself married, then I go and say well you are and you will have to face God when you die. Then he comes off with "I wish I would die already", I got to the boiling point because of discovering him on match.com and him saying he doesn't consider himself married that I said I wish you would too. Then I begged God to forgive me! I didn't mean it at all so a few hours later I texted him and apologized for saying it. So, when he picked D13 up on May 8th he took it out on her, by not letting her use his computer and didn't take her anywhere all weekend. This was Mother's Day weekend. Also was our anniversary on Mother's Day and she said that he woke up very sad (she didn't know it was our anniversary) and opened up at beer at 8:30 in the morning.

Then on May 12th I heard he was not doing well with his blood pressure and stomach problems through D13, so I texted him and told him that if he needed anything to let me know. She said he was so down and out, so then I say that I would be their as his friend if he ever wanted to talk I would listen and not judge him for the way he feels or what he says. I told him that I take some of the responsibility for us not making it but I did stand to prove to him how much I loved and cared for him and I also know what he was going through, since I went through it 6yrs. ago and didn't talk to anyone about it. I also told him that I will stay away and not bother him anymore and that it's up to him whether he would want to call if he needed someone to talk to.

Now, this has been going on for 18 months with his depression, she said he will hear a song and get all filled up. His parents (mom & step-dad) that actually set our wedding date and everything, so it would be on their anniversary don't want us back together. He didn't talk to his mother for over 12yrs. because she made a comment to his sister about H adopting my S.

And H started talking to his mother in August and blames me that I never liked her. WTH? He was the one that kept away, I would always say to him what if something happens to her, you need to make amends.

Then of course there is his father and step-mother who are Pro-divorce! He lived with them for the first 6 months of separation and then the witch that said she loved me sooo much set him up in his apartment and told him to just get divorced and be done with it. He blamed me for his depression and our M. How can he do that when he is still depressed? Now he is drinking really heavy, and went on match.com (step-mother did that).

He would go on and off his AD's and when he was on them would call when he had D13 and joke with me and everything.

Haven't heard a word since then and I'm afraid I won't either. I have gone dark now. Some people on the board have told me he is spiraling down and maybe it's a good thing and just to sit and watch, but I didn't want him to do anything to himself. 3yrs. ago he was suicidal so that's why I sent that text saying I will be there for him as a friend. He has suffered depression on and off for 12yrs. but neither set of his parents believe in depression and to top it off the step-mother is a nurse. LOL

How do I have any hope left, when both set of parents don't want us back together and he will do what they say, well he has so far. I really think he is afraid of things because of them. He doesn't want the rejection again from either set of parents.

Thank you so much for giving me the advice and answering me. Just don't know how to fake anything anymore in front of him since I haven't seen him in person since March 17th. It's like he has gone dark too. Sometimes, I swear that he is doing everything as far as DBusting to get over me. If we both go dark, how the heck will we even discuss anything to do with kids. He goes through D13 all of the time, even though I have asked him nicely not to get her involved.

Where do I go from here?

Sorry, so long just wanted to catch you two up on the sitch.

[whitneypinch]

Ohhhhhhh......I was exactly where you are now.

I know how tough this is and I hear you 100%.

I am just over 2 years doing all of this and it's getting better by the day.
You will just get to a point that you will stop focussing on him and you will start to focus on yourself and your kids.
That is when going to no contact really makes things better.
Also, that is usually about the time our spouses "may" take notice and start poking around.

So, you really have to try to not focus on him. I know it is not easy, trust me we all know. When you first start the disconnecting process it is extremely difficult but I can tell you it does get easier.

I know hearing all of this does not make you feel better at this point but just know that we were all where you are now and it WILL get better.

I too have ex in-laws that turned against me. That is very difficult for me to take as well. I just stay as clear away from them as possible now.

Keep writing as we are all here to help you out.

[Goodfight]

But when did you get to the part of doing things with the kids together? I don't know since mine are older that he would ever suggest me do something together.

When did your ex contact you first after going dark? I just sometimes don't know how I'm going to keep going on sometimes. But like you said it does get easier I guess.

Since he is completely dark, is me going dark helping?

[Augtan]

I totally understand your anger about the in-laws. My ex's parents are dead, but his very distant family was all for him divorcing me even though my ex was the one who cheated and everything. Also, his old time friends from his hometown who I thought had enough sense to tell him what a mistake a divorce is, didn't say a word or try to talk him into staying with me. Now, he has all these divorced or single friends who are just like him and support his lifestyle completely and even supported him when he was having an affair. And, then there are those that say to just "move on", that we are both better off just getting over it all!! Those people make me the most crazy, cause they have never been seperated, or divorced and think if it happened to them they could just dump the guy or girl and be just fine in minutes!! They say if someone ever cheated on them they would be gone and not look back, they have no clue!! Cheating or no cheating divorce is beyond anything anyone can describe, it is beyond painful to the one who never wanted it.

I am having a very hard time today. I want to IM my ex and just ask what he is thinking, if he feels nothing even after all that went on when he was up here. I want to know how he can just go back down there as if nothing happened between us at all. As if he couldn't see how much his kids need and love him. I want to know how he just goes on with his life the way it is without regard to who he is hurting and all he is missing each and every day. What if something were to happen to one of our kids, would he feel he spent every minute he could with them and not regret any of the choices he made? I know I can't and won't ask him any of this, cause doing so changes nothing at all. It is a waste of time and feeling so sad is a waste of time for me. I know I shouldn't sleep with him when he is here, I have to stop that, but it is so hard when I want him to love me, miss me and think of me when he isn't here. And, like an idiot, I think that if I do that with him he will think about it when we are apart, but I think it is just sex to him. I continue to fool myself and that is just wrong.

I see all these people who get divorced and are moving on so easily, dating within months, etc. I think those people both felt their marriages were not good and wanted to divorce though. Our marrige was good, he just went into a full-blown MLC and can't get out of it. I read and read about it, but at times like this it does me no good to be logical about it all, I want my H back, my real H, the one I married and had my babies with!! I want him so bad to come running back and telling me that all will be okay again and we can be a family. I pray and pray for God to bring his heart home to us, for him to realize how no one could ever love him or know him like I do, how no other woman will be the mother of his kids and make his family whole. I beg God to make him see what matters in life and make those things my ex's top priority. I even talk to the people who have died that I think are my ex's Angel's (his Mom and Dad & his nephew who died at 16) and ask then to guide him home to us.

Sorry, just so sad today, so I am venting here and not to anyone else who doesn't really "get it"!! Thanks!!

A

[whitneypinch]

Here is some information on how messed up these walk away spouses are:

On Wednesday my ex W asked if we could all go out to dinner on Friday night.
I said that would be great. She texted me a bunch of times on Wed as well.
On Thursday we exchanged texts a few times and I could tell she was different and cold.
We all went out to dinner last night and she was cold and aloof.
I sent her an email saying I had a great time and that if she wanted to do that again it would be nice. She never even wrote me back.

So, you see, we can have no idea what they are even thinking.

Now, for something more positive....Tonight I am taking my 7 year old daughter to see Taylor Swift in concert and get this .... we are going to get to meet Taylor at the meet and greet. I have a friend in the music business that arranged it. We are also going to meet Kellie Pickler and Glorianna. They are the opening acts for the concert.