OIN Every SPOUSE who is wayward, particularly if they are CHEATING while wayward will do the followoing :
a. drudge up five, ten, even twenty years of history b. rewrite that history into something inaccurate c. blame you for the failure of the marriage d. insist that the marriage should never have happened e. refuse to talk to a counselor/therapist f. nay say that rebuilding the marriage isn't possible g. insist that its "too late" h. drop old friends and make new wreckless ones i. isolate themselves from anyone who may actually help j. escape into fantasy (novels, poetry, internet gaming, bar-hopping, etc)
Your wife's druging up the past isn't important. YOu have to IGNORE it and NOT let that drive you away. You keep taking what she says to heart. It's right in DR, that you need to steel yourself from the crap your spouse throws at you when you are having problems... I gave you a whole list above that's common... DR includes more as well
You need to stop taking her communication seriously... This is right out of the book... It's DB 101. IGNORE her complaints.
There IS some use to them, but reacting emotionally by allowing them to leave you feeling hopeless and defeated is exactly what you DON'T want resulting.
a. your wife feels hopeless and defeated b. your wife then spews garbage at you to SHARE how hopeless and defeated she feels c. you react by wallowing in it d. you get on the phone or whatever in order to help things improve e. things just get worse and you end up blamed for it all
... Not good
I dunno, I may be way off here, but it looks like every time your wife has some drama going on with OM and the mess SHE MADE you want to dive in to rescue her and it ends up with
a. A bigger mess b. You being painted out as the bad guy
I don't see how this dynamic you have with her is at all constructive...
My advice OIN is that the next time your wife has a downturn from the drama SHE CREATED in HER WORKPLACE that YOU
STAY OUT of it
Let her cry, squirm, fester, fume, etc.
I know you want to look like a hero and save the day, but your wife has voted you family punching bag right now... if you aren't IN IT, she is less likley to associate you WITH the drama...
It sounds like OM and OMW are doing a fine job on their own of putting this affair to bed once and for all.
NOW is the time you just let HER wrestle with the mess she made and STAY OUT of it.. EVEN if you think you can help... just stay out...
Once the reality of an affair starts to come down... and I HAVE been there as have others... You need to STEP BACK and get OUT of the WAY while reality comes crashing down... and it IS coming down now.
OIN, your wife may come hope in a week or so and find out she's been suspended or even FIRED. YOU need to get OUT of this mess or she will BLAME YOU for her getting suspended or fired.
Once you can see the affair is falling apart and there are people doing the necessary exposure and wake up calls YOU get OUT of there so YOU are NOT BLAMED
I've been there.. Once reality starts setting in, you need to stand clear or be part of your wife's new fantasy hit list of people she wants to hurt beyond measure.
COULD pup, but in THIS case I would just leave it alone and let her figure that out.
OIN's wife seems to want to pin problems on OIN instead of owning them herself.
I think if he isnt' THERE in the ROOM to BLAME, she HAS to eventually own it and fix it herself.
Its common to blame someone nearby when a problem happens... It keeps you from beating yourself up.
OIN, just leave her alone with her problems.. that emotional tension she has to experience for the mess is GROWTH... she WILL grow from it if you leave her alone.
If you try to fix it you are just bailing her out and she learns nothing.. It's basic parenting...
And yes, in my opinion we don't just parent our children, we parent our spouses too.
GOOD parenting means leaving them to clean their messes up.. BAD parenting is cleaning it up for them.
W woke up this morning. We did our separate thing. I hung out in the backyard with the dog. W came outside and started to fool around with the dog. Then W and I shot the basket ball around. W brought up a negative comment OMW said over the phone yesterday and I said nothing in return.
After a little bit W went into the house. I walked in shortly after and said "It is a beautiful day I think I will take the dog and do something."
A little while later W said to be "DO you want to take the dog somewhere or would you rather go to the gun range and after we can do a little shopping" I said "that is up to you" W decided she wanted to go to the gun range and do some shooting then go shopping after.
We went shooting and had a pretty good time. After we stopped and had some lunch. W seemed withdrawn and a little cold at times. After we ate we stopped at a couple stores. W wanted to buy patio furniture for the back deck and we ended up doing so.
There were times where W spoke future tense...
On the way home W questioned me about a phone call I was not honest about....
We get home and start to assemble the patio furniture and I came out and told her the truth and she said she knew I was lying... This female "friend" of hers from work turns out to be less of help then I thought.
She was texting W and W started to question me on things, I asked her if I could see her text messages, W said "I am reading it to you word for word" I then replied "I hand my phone over to you and let you read all my messages and go through my logs and you cant do the same?"
Then W got upset and handed the phone over to me. W brought up the situation and how she feels the whole thing was blown out of proportion. Then W spoke about how her fathers pep talk is to "F them all" and I am sure it included me. W then says "Life goes on"
I said (and probably should not had) "I never thought I would ever be in such a situation. I tired of it all, you created this mess and I want not part of it." she said "The whole thing is a mess, people just think things that are not true and make a big deal about it."
I let it go and said nothing more.
We finished assembling the patio set. W asked what time I had to be at work tonight and then said "I wanted to play the new game we game we got" then said jokingly "I'll let you know how it is"
W then started to play the game. I got ready for work, said "bye" and left.
After I left for work, W started to do google searched for "I don't know how to love him lyrics" and "he broke my heart"
Then W started to read content on the whole "broken heart" thing and started to take online surveys....here are some sites she went to
Maybe I was too friendly with W today. I just went with the flow and validated. looking back maybe I was too soft, I am not sure. but the above links I am sure are intended for OM
Where do I go from here after the OK day we had?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
W woke up this morning. We did our separate thing. I hung out in the backyard with the dog. W came outside and started to fool around with the dog. Then W and I shot the basket ball around. W brought up a negative comment OMW said over the phone yesterday and I said nothing in return.
After a little bit W went into the house. I walked in shortly after and said "It is a beautiful day I think I will take the dog and do something."
A little while later W said to be "DO you want to take the dog somewhere or would you rather go to the gun range and after we can do a little shopping" I said "that is up to you" W decided she wanted to go to the gun range and do some shooting then go shopping after.
We went shooting and had a pretty good time. After we stopped and had some lunch. W seemed withdrawn and a little cold at times. After we ate we stopped at a couple stores. W wanted to buy patio furniture for the back deck and we ended up doing so.
There were times where W spoke future tense...
On the way home W questioned me about a phone call I was not honest about....
We get home and start to assemble the patio furniture and I came out and told her the truth and she said she knew I was lying... This female "friend" of hers from work turns out to be less of help then I thought.
She was texting W and W started to question me on things, I asked her if I could see her text messages, W said "I am reading it to you word for word" I then replied "I hand my phone over to you and let you read all my messages and go through my logs and you cant do the same?"
Then W got upset and handed the phone over to me. W brought up the situation and how she feels the whole thing was blown out of proportion. Then W spoke about how her fathers pep talk is to "F them all" and I am sure it included me. W then says "Life goes on"
I said (and probably should not had) "I never thought I would ever be in such a situation. I tired of it all, you created this mess and I want not part of it." she said "The whole thing is a mess, people just think things that are not true and make a big deal about it."
I let it go and said nothing more.
We finished assembling the patio set. W asked what time I had to be at work tonight and then said "I wanted to play the new game we game we got" then said jokingly "I'll let you know how it is"
W then started to play the game. I got ready for work, said "bye" and left.
After I left for work, W started to do google searched for "I don't know how to love him lyrics" and "he broke my heart"
Then W started to read content on the whole "broken heart" thing and started to take online surveys....here are some sites she went to
Maybe I was too friendly with W today. I just went with the flow and validated. looking back maybe I was too soft, I am not sure. but the above links I am sure are intended for OM
Where do I go from here after the OK day we had?
She's going to grieve over the OM. I think today went ok, but the role you sat in today, is not one I think you want to stay in. I think you may have to evaluate this. It might not be good for her to see you in this light for long, because it may cancel your chance to be in your proper role. She will get over it over time, I say do some things you like and lay back off your wife. You can let her know where your going occasionally and she can invite herself along. Outside of that let her get over her stuff.
So funny, she just felt like shooting a gun at a target! Ha, ha. And then buying patio furniture? For a house she doesn't plan to live in? Interesting. Fine she has a broken heart. She earned it.
buying patio furniture? For a house she doesn't plan to live in?
Of course, that makes perfect sense. You ever get tired of hearing the crazy things people do when they start down the path of being dishonest?
"Agents" of the world will "use" these people too, as well as "honest" folx will find out about how far they will go. Its a dangerous path, that most people do get awoken in one way or another.
I am doing my best to detach but I am having difficulty wrapping my head around all this. My W fell in love with another male and is now heart broken over him. She does not admit these feelings.
I want to confront her about all my findings but feel like it would only make things worse.
I don't want to save her from her own mess, I actually want her to suffer in a sense. She has not been honest and continues not to be.
My W became attached to another male because I failed to treat her like a husband should. OM hopefully leaves my W alone. During this time I detach from my W and let her figure out the mess she created, my W is not getting the emotional support she feels she needs and ends up attching to yet anpther male?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
