Ok thanks FB...thats my thing...I know I should communicate this too him...but doing it without it seeming like iM attacking him is what Im trying to figure out. Thank you for your suggestion...but why do you feel bad karma or the unsafe feeling? Just wondering.
SCh... I guess what made me feel it was safe for my H to come back was that we were getting along so well. I saw a difference in him than the multiple times before. He did miss me. Of course it was simplier to come back. He also told someone he was tired of being stupid about it. It was very expensive with him on his own. He had no money, was always alone too. I dont think he liked being on his own. He never disrespected me to other people at all or to the children. He came from a divorced family where the stepmom and his dad raised him. The stepmom Im SURE said negative things about his mom that has affected his relationships with both to this day. So I am positive he would NEVER say anything negative about me to the kids...
I can say the biggest changes was seeing the OW out of the picture more than ever. Of course they still speak occasionally...but he wasnt "all about her" like before. It was like he was finally over the withdrawal and addiction of her. I dont know if that helps you any, but I hope some of it will....and of course I dont mind
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
lol....guess I jumped the gun on the thank you.....just got a text from my H that said "thank you".
Patience...still something to work on for me.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Kissak, Excellent that you got a thank you for doing him a favour. Now is the most opportune time to gently discuss with him that you felt your efforts were appreciated because he took the time to send you that txt. Tell him that when you do go out of your way, as you did today, and receive no acknowledgment it causes you to be resentful. Make sure that you end your little {as this does not need to be a long drawn out discussion} talk on an up-beat by repeating how something as little as a thank you txt made it worth while for you to help him out.
As far as stopping the CS. This is his deal. Don't try to shield him. This is part of taking responsibility for his past choices. Let him go get the paperwork started.
Hang in there. *hugs* ~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
Thank you swl....when he sent the thank you note I said "welcome" as we each do sometimes....he replyed "thats all your gonna say, lol". Well, I couldnt help it, but I replyed back "Well, I was wondering when I was going to get a thank you! lol"
He replyed "sorry I got busy".
I understood. I guess what it is, is that Im waiting for something to go wrong with us.
And your right about the CS. I told him the other day that I wanted him to take care of it. But, he again said he wanted ME to do it. Telling him that this needs to be him taking responsibility for his past choices would be very true, but I think if thats the way it come out, he would disagree...saying it was both of us....so, I will just DO nothing. If he wants it done, he can go do it!!! Its not bothering me none to keep having the CS taken out of his check....it will still be going into MY account either way!!!
But I will discuss lightly about how I getting a thank you makes it worth while to help him
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
OldPilot, I do not believe she has made that point {sorry for discussing you as if you aren't in the room, Kissak. ;-)} She acknowledged this thank you for her efforts but has not let him know that it isn't always so and how it makes her feel. If they are to continue to move forward they have to discuss how she needs to be treated as well as how he does. This is a step in the right direction to gently recap what happened today and how she feels.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
Kissak, how long has your H been considering and then been home, this time? (I tried reading the thread!). How do you know when it's time to stop the CS? Very tough one!
SC....My H had been considering it for a couple of months before he mentioned it to me. Then after that it was 5 months before he moved back in.
I feel like its a good time to stop the CS...if we ever get around to it that is Even if we did stop it, and things didnt work out, I could have it started again, with a possibility of getting more from him....we were up for a review anyway, and I know he has gotten several raises since it was started. Wouldnt be good for him at all...but hopefully we are not going there. HE did start having an additional amount going into my checking account starting tomorrow to help with the bills. I actually like him having his own account and me mine....that puts more responsibility on him and I dont stress out about how much he is spending....his problem. Werent like that before, we had a joint checking and I was always fussing I guess, because he would spend and sometimes too much that our account would get messed up.
Thanks Swl and OP....I think I handled the thank yous in a round about sort of way...we'll see how it worked. After dinner the other night my son got up, left his plate and walked into the living room...I said to my son " Son, I would like for you to put your plate in the sink and saying Thank you to mommy would make me feel sooo good that I cooked you a great dinner! And by helping me, it helps mommy not to stay in the kitchen sooo long, so I can spend time with all of you". He said thanks and put his plate in the sink....My H followed him but gave me a kiss on the cheek along with the "thank you that was good".
How'd I do? lol
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Even if we did stop it, and things didnt work out, I could have it started again, with a possibility of getting more from him....we were up for a review anyway, and I know he has gotten several raises since it was started. Wouldnt be good for him at all...but hopefully we are not going there. HE did start having an additional amount going into my checking account starting tomorrow to help with the bills. I actually like him having his own account and me mine....that puts more responsibility on him and I dont stress out about how much he is spending....his problem. Werent like that before, we had a joint checking and I was always fussing I guess, because he would spend and sometimes too much that our account would get messed up.