Thanks everyone... I should have made it more clear. In the beginning, XW was very hateful towards me. She had a reputation for being that kind of a hateful woman, so it was par for course. This was a woman who when the garbage collectors came over, they put everyone's cans back on the sidewalk, but threw hers all over the street just because she was such a nasty woman... she was also young, very young, at the time. She and my husband were dating for just a few weeks when she became pregnant at 18, him at 23. I remember the first time I met the twins, they were 4, and DSD said "you're the whore" in just the cutest little tone of voice.
Fast forward 4 years, I had had enough of the hateful comments and spew coming from her and invited her and her new H, by whom she had also "gotten pregnant" and M just a few months into their R... who later called my H and swapped notes on how he felt he had been tricked into M. (I'm starting to remember all of this and perhaps my H was not entirely dishonest with me... feeling better) In any case, I invited her and her H out to breakfast to discuss the children and calling a truce. I still remember the adversarial R we had at that point and I was sick of it. XW and her H and my H all were just going along, but I was having none of it any more. XW's H put a tape recorder on the table before we began... and I just said, look, we all love the children and this has got to stop. They are half of you and half of H and by telling them that H is bad, you are telling them that half of them is bad. It was like a light went on in all of them. Since then, well, I wouldn't say I would have sought her out to be friends, she was not a nice person, but we have all been friends.
A few years later when her H called my H and asked if he had also been tricked into M her, they were having problems. I got her the DR book and 5LL and they reconciled. She then called my H and apologized to both of us for being so hateful and the role she had played in the breakup of their M. It was like she finally got that she wasn't perfect and admitted her mistakes and I think she was OK with things then. It was at that point that we went from being cordial to her calling me for all sorts of things. I taught her to can food, gardening, we swapped notes on the kids, and finally her H, who was physically abusive, did it one too many times and the kids all came to live with us.
More recently I've forgiven XW's H for the abuse of the children because he went to anger management and became a Christian. She is also trying to build a Christian M now, and I think they're trying very hard... I guess they're moving so far away was an attempt to start over, but the kids are so hurt by it. They will be going down there this summer and I'm so afraid that she will try to keep them. I'm not convinced her H would be able to control his temper if DSD lived with them, as she loves to push his buttons.
So, that's my story... typing it out may have helped me a bit. I guess it may make me feel better by apologizing, but it may make her feel like crap and rip open old wounds.
I think instead of contacting her to apologize, I'll just check in to see how she's doing and trust that God has forgiven me for anything.
I don't post much anymore, but I read along from time to time and I've been reading you for a while. I'm impressed with the self-reflection you're doing and the learnings your making about yourself and your life. We become really powerful when we start to live conciously.
Well, thank you for posting to me. I appreciate seeing a new person on my thread, and you had some thoughtful things to say... and thank you for the above, it made my day.
Need advice. I have to have a conversation with H about bankruptcy. He is in avoidance right now, wants to blame me for our money troubles since I paid the bills - and he's partially right... but he's not taking any responsibility. I know this is MLC and he won't right now, but I want to make sure I don't do or say anything that may come back to haunt me later. Like, if he believes and I don't say it's not true to him - that I'm entirely responsible for our finances right now, will it keep him from reuniting with me later? Do I say gently to him, no, you're also responsible?
The truth is that he filed bankruptcy with his XW before we got together, so everything is in my name, and he is using that to say "see, you handle the bills and all the credit cards and houses are in your name and therefore they are your fault/responsibility." I got him out of that mess, put him on a budget, paid his bills for him, and rebuilt his credit. Then we wound up in the same exact mess now.
I'm going to have the lawyer file on Monday. H is under the impression that he will be able to leave his name off of it. H is a big part of why we will have to file. I'm not saying he's all of it, but he's 75% of it. Another big part is me not being able to say no to him when he wants to eat out or buy a toy or is not getting the job done at the apartment building and keeping the apartments empty for 6-12 months for minor repairs and painting between tenants. I do like to eat out, though... and I admit to that part. My avoidance of the issues was a big part of it also. I have to deal with that, it's one of my flaws. Having helped others out of debt (which I'm really good at - try taking my own medicine, huh?) - I know avoidance gets bad in people in our situations, so it's as common as rewriting history is in MLC... guess we're all wired the same no matter who we are.
Time for me to break the mold here and now, though. I'm filing Ch 13, which is the repayment, and we've separated our finances and I'm doing well already. Getting everything in a budget, I'm not a big spender - although I've been spending a lot on DSD lately - have to stop that. I am seeing this as a new start and although, would rather not have had it come to this, I'm hopeful about my future now.
PS I also don't know what to do about the fact that H just bought a brand new, $20k car which will cost him about $350 a month plus insurance and taxes... he takes delivery of it on Monday. I told him that I will not support him getting a car to go see OW and we split our finances off. I did tell him that he can do what he needs to, and maybe encouraged him that way... but I showed him his budget and he's clearly in a loss position each month, and I'm in positive - since he has the kids, of course.
I feel like I told him it was OK, in his fog, he believed that is what I was saying to him. However, he was always that way before MLC, if he wants something he wants it and pines for it despite me saying no, and he never did grow out of that.
Maybe this is part of his MLC, though? I know he bought and paid for a car he loved while a young adult that was repossessed. Maybe he needs to have that happen again? Or almost happen and then man up and save himself? I just don't know... I guess trust the process, right?
Hey MH....I really do think that our H's are related somehow! wow!
They keep saying that once the "alien" has come through mlc and out of the tunnel that they are not the same...we can only HOPE!!! As long as they keep some of the qualities that drew us to them in the first place!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
MH - Once you get your finances in order, you will breathe easier. I find that part extremely stressful on the top of the R troubles. Especially when H is flaking out again...spending 2 weeks out of a month on "vacation with OW" instead of concentrating on our already suffering business. Grrrr
Is you H on board with your plan to separate finances?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
H started the whole separation of finances thing… he was thinking that he could get his own bank account, have his direct deposit go directly into there, and hide how much money he has. He then would pay his bills and take the rest of the money and party with it… or spend it as he sees fit. I know that sounds dangerously like mind reading, but I do know my H that well.
Basically, one thing he said is that I control everything, and he wanted to control his own finances.
This is how he does that: -I go online and check the bills twice a month. -I ask him and the kids if anything is coming up we’ll need money for -I put together a spreadsheet of everything we owe -We meet, I go over the spreadsheet and tell him what I need to pay -He transfers the money to our joint account -I write checks, put them in envelopes, address them, put on stamps, mail them -He blames me for our financial situation since I do the budget.
Voila, he’s “in control” of his life… silly, isn’t it? Am I the only one that sees this? LOL.
M&H Because you do all of the accounting (work) you are controlling? Wow.... I do all the accounting, bill paying, budgeting...I wish My H asked to do it for a change....It ain't gonna happen....he DOESN'T want our finances separated...It would mean work for him.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Yeah, I see it like this. H is a replay-teenager and he wants to play house with me while playing grown up with OW. None of it is real, but for some reason, he feels like he is "doing it" his own way. Bizarre. I would not be happy with playing "I'm in control of my own life." I want to BE in control of my own life, GWIM?
