Puppy is right on again Ken. I really don't like this.
This is not what we were suggesting. It is your marriage though.
But keeping her prisoner for three months just gives those two three months to plan ahead and get an apartment together.
You just reduced their stress level by giving them time.
Now she has another three months to look for a place, and she suckered you into agreeing to a divorce.
She played you. She is already lying Ken.
It's your marriage, but I would just pack her bags and send her out NOW.
Talk to a lawyer and restrict her as much as you can until she ends her affair. She's NOT playing fair, SHE is controlling this whole thing. Every time she throws you a rope Ken you dive for it like a child for a cookie.
I KNOW how hard this is Ken. I have been there. I had to out my wife too... and I had to follow through and mean it, NO COMPROMISE... two weeks after she knew I meant it she backed down... I say you push her out the door and she will come back Ken.. you just have to trust that.
It WILL make YOUR home more stable once she's gone, and your kids won't have to feel that tension anymore. Your wife is an addict and you need to get her out of your home where she has to fend for herself and she isn't using you anymore.
She will come back, I am quite confident of that... But this deal you have is just giving her three more months to plan... thats three months of stress she avoids. That three months OUT of the home would wake her up a LOT MORE than three months IN the home LYING to you.
Good Luck Ken, but I bet my retirement fund she's already started to plan with OM. Now they just bought three months of time to do it right without any pressure from you anymore. Talk to a lawyer Ken, because you need to be prepared to throw her out when you catch her contacting him. You will catch her.
I just don't how on earth you are going to handle it when you do...
Good Luck Ken, but I bet my retirement fund she's already started to plan with OM. Now they just bought three months of time to do it right without any pressure from you anymore.
There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure.
Notes : This is NOT suggesting that the separation will be permanent. But McGraw above IS pointing out that keeping her in the home lying and cheating creates an unpleastant environment for these children. The tension between you and your addict wife is likely thicker than a brick right now. Kids should not have to be exposed to that in a room.. they feed off of it.
Further, no one should be talking divorce here. You want her out of the home so she misses the security and her family so much that she agrees to end contact and attend family therapy. Divorce is NOT the goal here, you shouldn't even mention divorce.
But more to my point, Penny Tuppy's eBook that I know you have read suggests she wouldn't be gone long anyhow. Reality will come down on her once she is out the door. She will start missing the security of her home, her kids, and the OM will be expected to provide for her 24 x 7 since you won't be contacting her... that puts a lot of pressure on both of them.
In most cases childlike people addicted to an affair can't handle that pressure and they will want to return home.
THIS is when you tell them they are welcome back WHEN they attend family therapy with you and agree to no contact and full transparency.. FULL transparency.
I wish you the best Ken, just be careful, you are negotiating with an addict, and history has proven this does not end well.
Thanks Allen. I understand what you are saying. I'm not planning to actually give her a divorce in three months. In my opinion, she's already broken her part of the deal by saying she's not willing to see a counselor, etc. I'm hoping that time away from the OM will help matters. It may not.
She is on the house deed, so it's very difficult for me to boot her out. Looking at the paperwork for a temporary separation order (about a half inch thick), I would need a lawyer's help in filling it out. I'm not even sure the judge would decide that she has to get out and stay out. But I may be facing this again in three months.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
OK, I thought you had talked to a lawyer and he had told you that there was a possible criminal case you could file for infidleity or something like that.. maybe I read it wrong...
You are right, the three months may help, IF she follows through... but the fact that she ran out of the house to talk to him as soon as she negotiated the deal is a pretty strong sign that she's not going to follow through.
I would just look for any good reason to stand firm in three months... and have her out of the home.. I wager it won't even take that long...
Here is the law about it in my state: "That whoever commits adultery shall be punished by imprisonment in the penitentiary not exceeding three years..."
My wife says she has not committed physical adultery though. I believe it has only amounted to kissing and possible some fondling and of course lots of talking on the phone or in person and sharing verbal affection with each other.
The other option is to sue the OM for "Tortiary Interference of a Marital Relationship". An alienation of affection lawsuit is one in which a deserted spouse can sue the alleged third party if his or her partner leaves the relationship for another person and causes the marital relationship to fail. To prevail on the claim, the plaintiff needs to prove that:
1) Love between the married spouses existed prior to the onset of the relationship; and 2) The marital love was alienated and destroyed as a result of the relationship with the third-party; and 3) The third party’s conduct was a malicious interference with the marital relationship.
I'm interested in this option, but right now I can't afford a lawyer.
Right now, I'm planning to just see how this three month period goes and go from there.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Thanks Puppy. I just hope that I'm able to make some headway this three months. However I know that you will be very surprised if I do, and that what she really needs is a good dose of reality with the OM.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Her agreement with me to not contact the OM for three months didn't even last one day. I can't believe it! You guys called it very well. You can take the 3 months date off your calendar now Puppy. I am really blown away by this. I checked her cell phone and they talked to each other twice today.
She tells me that she has another appointment with a lawyer tomorrow to find out her rights. She keeps telling me about the bad things that I did in the past that made her feel unloved. I haven't even been that way for a year or more now, but she doesn't see that. She says she doesn't love me and won't ever love me. I got into a bit of an argument with her about it. It's hard for me to not say anything. I want to save the marriage, but it seems so impossible at this point.
Looks like I'm back to figuring out how to get her to get out of the house. I guess I'll have to see a lawyer again too now. The other lawyer I saw was very new and didn't know much about temporary separation orders.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
