So many voices, not all saying the same thing. I know it can be confusing here. But the varied voices is also the strength of this board. It's up to YOU to do the thinking and deciphering to find what feels right and holds the potential for meeting your goals.
I understand that pursuit is typically a bad thing. I know for sure that if you have a spouse who is having a relationship with another, you want to give them NO indication that you are still thinking endlessly about them and your life together.
I'm all down with that.
But to this point, you say you have no evidence or reason to believe that your wife is involved in any way with another, right?
To me, that changes things.
If I were truly certain that there was not another relationship going on behind my back, I would not be so hesitant about sharing my honest feelings.
In fact, I would send her an anniversary card. And I would keep it simple inside, but would certainly mention something about still believing in your future together.
Her response to you during your last conversation was interesting. If your telling of the story was accurate, it seems to me that she responded positively to your comments about being stressed and not thinking straight, and to your comments about not wanting to be divorced.
Could this not be a woman who saw a loveless marriage with no prospects for change, and decided to take a stand? And could it not be that your response at that moment didn't exactly fill her with self-doubt, since you sure didn't profess your love for her and your acknowledgement at just how crappy your relationship had become?
Just keep an open mind.
Much of DB'ing is counter intuitive, but not all of it. One of the key principles in my opinion is to "DO WHAT WORKS." If you are receiving positive responses to an approach, keep doing it. If you are not, then stop.
Meanwhile...what are you doing about yourself? This time apart can and should be used by you to rediscover the man you were when the two of you fell in love. What has changed? And keep in mind that you can't stop working, so how do you fix what went wrong in YOU, knowing that the pressures of work are not going to go away?
There's stuff you should be doing blu, and very little of it has to do with her or the mortgage. If you truly hope for a rebuilt and restored marriage, that's going to require a rebuilt and restored YOU.
Blessings,
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 05/17/1004:30 PM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Yes, it is confusing. Some here even advocate agreeing with the WAS that D is necessary, while some advocate reaffirming your committment to save the M.
I would agree that if it known the WAS is cheating, any persuing behavior just tells here she can come back whenever and if she gets done with the A.
I do not believe my W was in an A when she left. As time goes on, who knows? Especially if she thinks the M is over.
Yes, I think she took a stand because she wasn't seeing things getting better, although she was very resigned towards the end when I was sort of trying to be more attentive. I think my acknowledgement affirmed her decision. After that, everything I said or did to stop the separation, did no good.
My work situation changed before the split. It is much less stressful and demanding now. Her work situation has not changed and is IMO a big source of us growing apart. However, I think we could have managed it better. However her work will have to eventually change anyway and I believe she knows that.
I have also changed religiously and turned back toward the Lord. I am working on eliminating distractions in my mind that I thought were harmless but made me less intimate with the W. You have to realize that fantasies are not reality, and even if some were to come true, any pleasure derived would be fleeting.
I believe I can a be much better husband now and be much happier with my wife without all the thoughts of "what if?"
I was hoping for more responses. Anyway there was no contact on Anniversay Day and I feel pretty bad about it.
I am thinking of sending W a short email.
Lately, I have been thinking of calling one of her friends for perspective. I think she will be sympathetic to me as she recently got a divorce her husband wanted.
Right now your W is on Autopilot with one destination in mind. To get out. You don't have to make things easy for her and you don't have to show her you're defeated. How has her overall attitude towards you been?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
She has been cheerful and pleasant in interactions with me since the separation, but all conversations have been about the mortgage.
Lately, there has been no contact at all. I think she has gone dark on me too. Perhaps, she is waiting me out to give up and get the refi going. Maybe she is tired of playing phone tag with me and is waiting for me to call. Maybe she let up about the refi to think things over. Who knows?
The other night I sent a short email to her work account. I basically said I want to respect her need for space but I have been thinking of her. I mentioned the anniversary and my hopes for a better future together.
No reply yet.
I guess this may qualify as pursuing behavior but, I feel she needs some reassurances from me. I hope I have not set myself back. But, I really don't see how it could do much harm.
I haven't called her friend yet. Any opinions on this?
I got a reply thanking me for the email, saying she is sorry all we discuss is splitting up but that is what we are doing. She is sorry if that upsets me and she wants to meet to discuss finalizing financial matters when I get some free time.
It seems messed up that I want to arrange this meeting just to see her and make her face me. But, I think as long as I delay the refi, she will feel that I am holding on to her. Maybe I should finalize this refi with her, then go totally dark until she either comes around or files for D.
