It's not what i would have thought of, but IGNORING her when she says that crap may help your case.
Just act like you didn't even hear it... she may just be trying to GET a RISE out of you.. and when you say ANYTHING, she is satisfied and has won the exchange in her mind...
She may get frustrated with you, but that's good.
This is a very sick game she's playing, the best move may very well be to ignore it.... Jas you may have it...
I think words may have run their course in this situation. Its time to act.
Do you own your house OIN? or do you rent? If you own it you may consider just getting a few brochures from realtors and leave them lying around. Or even pick up a few travel brochures.
If she asks about them you can say that you are considering selling the house after she moves out? Or that you were considering taking a trip once she moves out.
It would be counterintuitive to your current techniques and would show GALing. I don't know, just a thought.
Going out of town, going on trips seems to be a good idea for scarce. Come home late. I guess we can build a very fun life, and invite them into it. Making them a 1st class "guest" initially.
It's not what i would have thought of, but IGNORING her when she says that crap may help your case.
Just act like you didn't even hear it... she may just be trying to GET a RISE out of you.. and when you say ANYTHING, she is satisfied and has won the exchange in her mind...
I tried this already, when I first posted on this forum this is what you suggested. To walk out the room and just pretend I she did not say anything.
At times it seemed to work and then others is caused her to be even more distant and nasty toward me.
Let me be honest and a little more open. I use to tell my W the following
- "Your a terrible W" - "I hate being married to you"
And now here I am enduring everything I said to her. I use to say this stuff, not because I meant it, but because I knew it would get to her. I enticed a response from her, I wanted her to cling. It was like this sick game I played myself. I was F'd up and never wanted this to happen (careful what you ask for) but if this never happened I would not had made the necessary changes I needed, to become a better person and be able to offer more as a husband. SO ignoring her, to me, would be like me being my old self.
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Do you own your house OIN? or do you rent? If you own it you may consider just getting a few brochures from realtors and leave them lying around. Or even pick up a few travel brochures.
Yes, WE own this home. WE purchased the home just this past November. It is a unique situation. We purchased a huge side-by-side duplex. After much discussion and agreement we decided to rent the other half out to my parents (they wanted to downsize and wanted to rent rather than own again). My W knows I wont sell because of this situation.
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Going out of town, going on trips seems to be a good idea for scarce. Come home late. I guess we can build a very fun life, and invite them into it. Making them a 1st class "guest" initially.
Just not possible. Financially not possible. We still do things together too. I honestly feel if I did such a thing this would open the door for her and she would walk right out.
I work a demanding shift, I work nights, I don't go out. I have a new home, the weather is getting better and there is a lot to be done. If I have any spare time I put the focus on the home.
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The remainder of the night, we sat watched some TV and some food. We then went up to bed and continued to watch TV there.
W then brought up that we need to spay the dog. We briefly talked about breeding. W spoke future tense or almost in the sense the dog would be there with the both of us. W said something like "We should had got her brother and had 2 days. I don't know if we could handle two dogs though" Then W and I looked at pictures of puppies and breeder websites for a good hour or so.
Wife then transferred the pics we took yesterday while at the water front with the dog to her laptop. She then begin to browse old pictures of our past pets and occasions. I looked on as she did this. She opened some pictures form our honeymoon and a few were of us. She skipped over the wedding photos though.
W then went to bed...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I reread my post form last night and think to myself that some people on this board never acted in the manner I did and still have WAS. I know some of you are saying "You get what you deserve."
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AS for today:
W and I woke up around the same time. At some point a short while later W and I, somehow, end up playing PC version of "Family Feud." We must had played for at least 2 hours. We laughed and kid around during this time but also at times W was distant/withdrawn. Every time we finished W would say "One more" and we'd play another.
After, we were going to watch a DVD but could not find it. AS I was looking for it, I walked into kitchen to tell W I could not find it and she had started to clean the kitchen. I joined her. We cleaned the kitchen and living room spotless.
After W then baked muffins. We then attempted to deep fry veggies...FAIL. W then made herself something to eat and started to watch TV and that is where we are at now.
W is still withdrawn a lot. The best way I can describe it is, if I say something to her or ask a question she will respond with "fine" , "OK" , "hmmm" , "ummhmmm" , "huh" , "uh huh" with no emotion at all, very monotone and brief.
W used the word "WE" some today....for example "We need to get this" , "We need to do that" ect..I am not trying to over analyze her emotions, words, or actions because I been her many times during our sitch.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I reread my post form last night and think to myself that some people on this board never acted in the manner I did and still have WAS. I know some of you are saying "You get what you deserve."
I think you're really hard on yourself. We are all students in this life. When we know better, we do better. I'm sure if you knew everything about self-esteem, self-respect, control, real love before you would have treated your wife differently. You have and continue to improve who you are. Its time you stop holding yourself hostage with this crap. ===========================================
W is still withdrawn a lot. The best way I can describe it is, if I say something to her or ask a question she will respond with "fine" , "OK" , "hmmm" , "ummhmmm" , "huh" , "uh huh" with no emotion at all, very monotone and brief.
I wonder if she responds this way because in her mind, she is betraying OM. Sounds strange, I know. But we talk alot about how WAS's are guided by their emotions. Emotionally, she's with him so to have positive interaction with you, is a betrayal. Anyone else see this or it just me?
The last thing I want to do is give her more motive to move out. Telling her that she will never be happy in this marriage is certainly something I do not want to ever say. I know i am beating myself up when I say this, but you have to understand the things I have said in the past, and the above quoted is very similar to things I would say...
I have not been able to try a particular approach long enough to see if it is working. Each time I start a new dynamic comes about. Whether it be OM in the picture, then out the picture and her going through a minor withdrawal process, to OM being in picture again and she being more attached than she had in the past.
This approach I am taking now as allen suggested, validating her feeling while creating doubt when she tells me she is leaving has seemed to make an impact. Since I said "running away is not the answer" look at what we did after...the time spent.
I think things might get worse though. She just now found out the messages she had saved that I deleted are gone. I seen that she was on google trying to figure out how to restore those messages and how they got deleted in the first place.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
