She doens't want to choose either of those Ken... That's her problem.. she wanted an open marriage option, but NOW you are cutting her off of that and she doens't like it.
Keep strong, she is going to try to come back for a second round... this ain't over yet.. but you're doin good now that you started to fight
Thanks Allen. I'll stick to my guns and keep pushing for one or the other so that she can't keep having the open marriage option. She really doesn't want to choose. My biggest fear now is that she won't choose. And I've been thinking that doing a temporary separation order may not be such a good idea either because the I WOULD be FORCING her out, would I not?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
You aren't forcing her out if you are inviting the non-cheating wife back in...
This is sort of like an exorcism :
Out with the bad, in with the good.
You aren't just tossing her out because she cheated, you are asking her to come BACK when she STOPS...
Look at it like a time out you might give a child... you aren't throwing the child out as much as you are restricting their access to you and their family while they are being destructive.
As long as you keep inviting her to family therapy, warning her infidelity harms children, and that divorce harms children, and lastly that you want to work on your marriage with a FT, SHE is LEAVING then... you are giving her all these options if she wants to stay and making things inviting as possible.
if she rejects all of the family therapy, the warnigns about harming children, etc and remains separated then she is choosing to separate and do harm to everyone around her... which you are acting to minimize...
She is welcome back at any time.. so its not a throw out.. its a TIME OUT.
Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.
If your wife insists on acting on what "feels good" to her to the detriment of her OWN CHILDREN then you have an obligation to protect these children and yourself from her. She is deluded into thinking her actions are not harming her chilren. How many hours has she invested in this man while neglecting her children?
Protect the children before one of them gets in an accident while she's too busy yapping on the phone to save them. She's not capable of managing children while she's addicted to an affair, she's proven that be allowing a separation.. THAT harms children and that is what SHE is accepting by refusing to end contact and to go to family therapy.
Dr McGraw also has a few other good points :
If you have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.
The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children.
It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.
You aren't tossing her out ken, she's CHOOSING separation over reconcilliation.
It's just a time-out Ken, she will be back... If she even leaves, which I doubt... Keep on your lawyer as well. Collect all the evidence of an affair that you can. She is going to deny it if it is to her advantage to do so...
Here's a few more from McGraw.. he has such a simple and matter of fact way of putting things I cant' resist quoting him :
If you have children understand that you have a responsibility for the effect that your choices have on them. Do not put your children in the middle of the fray and make them pick up the tab for your irresponsible behavior.
Turn toward your partner — not away. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward. All that does is create problems.
Don't play games in your head. It is a short step from thought to action.
Don't confuse reality with fantasy. We often forget that there's a difference between falling in love and being in love. You can't expect a love that grows to be like it was on the first date.
If you want to have a good partner, be a good partner. Put 100 percent into your marriage.
The problem is Ken your wife is ignoring all of this advice above and acting on what she feels like doing. It is the behaviuor of a child. Children that act that way are dangerous and should NOT have responsabilities under them until they CAN act responsibly.
Protect yourself and your children from her until she can do so.
All of the above is great advice, but your wife isn't recognizing any of it. So, she gets a time out and you and yoru family are safe until she comes to her senses... which is HER choice... she can come back at any time so long as she recognizes that her family are first priority and deserve her respect, not derision.
"What if I stop communicating with him for two months and then we get a divorce. Are you still going to accuse me of having an affair and harming the children?"
It seems that she wants a divorce and is afraid to do it right now because I will say those things.
I really can't afford a lawyer, but that is what I think I need.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
The next time a discussion comes up about her apartment hunting :
"You are seriously going to put these children through a stressful separation just so you can pursue a selfish bad habit and ruin everyone's lives? Then these kids don't need a mother like that... "
And you walk away. DO NOT ARGUE the point, you state the point and walk away.
Every step of the way, every time a conversation has to happen you make it clear to her that SHE is choosing this instead of rebuilding her marriage... EVERY TIME a convo happens about this you reinforce that SHE is CHOOSING this and that she has an alternative... got it?
If she keeps rejecting the choice of rebuilding her marriage then you aren't throwing her out, she's walking out... let her walk.. she likley won't get far...
Again always check with your lawyer every step of the way.. and collect evidence every step of the way..
"I am not throwing you out, or even asking you to leave. I am protecting myself and these children from a selfish and thoughtless parent. You can come back to your senses at any time you want. But ONE of us at least has to think about these kids. If anyone should be angry and stubborn instead of forgiving and generous it should be me... You walk out that door instead of rebuilding this marriage and family its on YOUR conscience. I am willing to forgive and cooperate... But I will not put me or these children through a wreckless affair in their own home... If you are going to ruin a life, its going to be yours... But yours alone... These children come first."
