Wow, it has been a while since I posted. The last conversation I had with W, I said that it wasn't fair that I would have to incur all the finance costs to refi.
I told her I still do not want a D. She said that is not what I said when she dropped the bomb in Jan. I said I was aknowledging that the R was not working the way we were doing things. I told her I understand that she feels unloved because I haven't shown her love in a way that she recognizes lately. I said that I understand how she feels and that before the bomb, I haven't felt unloved but marginalized and neglected. I told her our situation is a product of bad priorities and communication, and not about incompatibility. She said she does not think she can go back because the decision to split was too painful. I told her I have to trust that she will think about things and make the best decision for her. She said she really appreciated me saying that. She also said she completely understood how my work affected the R by stressing me out, tiring me out, causing me to put off vacations as to not get behind.
However, she wanted me to find out the process of getting her off the mortgage and said we could find a fair settlement to the equity.
About a week and half ago, she called my cell and left a message to call her because she wanted to talk about something. I didn't call thinking she would call the house later, (and knowing I haven't done anything about the mortgage). Anyway, I haven't called her back and she hasn't called again.
I think she suspects that I am trying to manipulate her with not returning calls and this no contact. I think she doesn't mind waiting me out.
I think I may call her tomorrow since she made the last overture. Besides, there may be a chance that our last conversation may have her thinking a bit differently. I have to say I feel petty avoiding her calls even though I understand she needs to see me as not waiting to talk her all the time.
So, I have gone pretty dark since the S. When and how do you start talking about the R again?
I talked a little about it last time on the phone with W to remind her I do not want a D, but with no pressure on her to commit or reassure me. I feel like if too much time passes, she will get used to me not being around and also assume that I am ready to move on.
So, I have gone pretty dark since the S. When and how do you start talking about the R again?
You wait for her to break her neck trying to pursue YOU! You wait for HER to talk. You're still in the wrong mind set. You want to fix this by "talking".
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I talked a little about it last time on the phone with W to remind her I do not want a D, but with no pressure on her to commit or reassure me. I feel like if too much time passes, she will get used to me not being around and also assume that I am ready to move on.
And why did you think you had to "remind her"? Did you think she'd forget? You are letting fear guide your decisions. She "needs" to wonder if you are ready to move on. That's the whole point.
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Do they miss the LBS or does the WAS just get used to the LBS not being around and go ahead with the D?
That kind of thinking is not DBing. It is not what works with a WAW. She needs to be alone. She needs to suffer the loss of you being around.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But Sandi, I think my wife believes that she is setting me free, to eventually be with someone who will make me happier. I have not been pursuing. I actually think I am overavoiding her. I restated I did not want a D per some advice on this thread and to open the conservation about me understanding how she can feel that the M needs to end.
If I wanted to convey that I'm done with the M, the refi would have been done weeks ago. She would have her share of $$$ and we would have no reason to communicate whatsoever. IMO that would reinforce her conclusion that the M was dead to me and she was right to leave.
I appreciate everyone's input but I am getting conflicting advice. It is especially hard because of distance. Even if I turned into James Bond, she wouldn't be here to see it.
I'm not trying to be argumentative. I'm just telling my point of view right now. I really do not want to behave in a way that may set us back. But sitting back doing nothing is driving me crazy.
It feels pretty rough now. Anniversary is Monday. I am definately not getting her anything though. Made that mistake on Valentine's Day while she was packing.
