Jack, I'm one of those strange women. I always say to people, I'm not a girl, I'm a ME. I don't fit into definitions of gender... the only girl in a large family of boys, maybe that's why I really like it when you and the other blunt guys post to me.
Me, too. Jack was one of the first to post to me, maybe because it was obvious from the beginning that I didn't need the gentle touch.
And M&H, I've been feeling like poking the tiger for some time now, too, but have resisted the urge. It's like he's digesting a very large meal, and I think it's best to just let him do it rather than suffer the consequences of interrupting him.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I do read your posts to other people...you just tell it like it is. That is a good thing! I have learned a lot from reading yours and the other guys and if you ever see something on mine that requires a 2x4, please feel free! In the beginning of all of this, I would not have been able to handle it but think I have toughened up a little!!!
Thanks for all you do on here...all of you!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Hey all, yes, I took off a few days, and then again today I spent with DSD - her friends blew her off again. More drama in teenage girl-land. Poor thing. She just wants a friend to stick with her and not do the drama, I hate you today and love you tomorrow thing.
Anyway, I have come to a new place of clarity and forgiveness and love with my situation and all involved. I've come to a realization of a few things I have to fix about myself. Taking off time really does help. Each time I do, I feel like I grow by leaps and bounds.
H took off today to stay out of DSD's way for her sweet sixteen party take 2. Second time he's left during it, second party attempt, second time no one showed up. This is not an unpopular girl, I just don't know what's going on. I have to dig a bit, I wouldn't be surprised if she's being snide to some friends b/c of the pain she's in. I know the school counselor said her brother has been depressed and angry at school and wanted to know what was up. Anyway, she had 10 people coming today and a pinata ready to go, cake, chips, hamburgers, soda... all sitting on the counter and looking sad. Poor thing, Mom moves several states away, best friend stops being her best friend b/c of jealousy, Dad goes into MLC, and she can't have a party that anyone shows up to. DSS20 was hanging with friends and came home to hang with sis when he found out what happened to her again, which I thought was just a very loving, sweet thing to do. They are such good kids, so I guess I didn't do everything wrong.
I'm feeling like I may apologize to H's XW for any part I may have played in the breakup of their M. I'm still thinking it through. It was 12 years ago, and he told me that he had asked for D long before I came along, she knew the score, he never loved her (sounding familiar?), he was sleeping on the couch... and I'm thinking, OMG, I was an A on his first W... well, he as much as came out and told MIL that I was. I feel like to achieve true forgiveness, I should apologize to her... any thoughts? I may not have known what was truly going on with them, but knowing what I know now about A's and knowing that H is capable of telling OW that he's never loved his W... well, it fits to me. I did ask him to date other people before we got serious, but he refused, and I believe now I should have insisted on some time before we really got together after his M ended... I was young and stupid and really uninformed.
It was 12 years ago, and he told me that he had asked for D long before I came along, she knew the score, he never loved her (sounding familiar?), he was sleeping on the couch... and I'm thinking, OMG, I was an A on his first W... well, he as much as came out and told MIL that I was. I feel like to achieve true forgiveness, I should apologize to her... any thoughts? I may not have known what was truly going on with them, but knowing what I know now about A's and knowing that H is capable of telling OW that he's never loved his W... well, it fits to me.
M&H, as a fellow BW, I have definitely recognized the difference between unsuspecting OPs and the ones who KNOW FULL WELL what is going on! (like the OW in my life-she knew who I was, was "friends"(lightly) with me, so noooooo sympathy for her!)
Now, for me, if I knew my WH was cheating and wanted a D but didn't know who she was, I would be dying to know anything about her! It would also comfort me to know that she had NO CLUE about the truth. I don't know what others would tell you, but I vote to reach out to her, in some gentle form. If she is not interested in talking to you, fine. So how would you contact her?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
M&H - I'm not sure if I would want OW to contact me and apologize. Actually when my OW broke it of with my H for the first time she apparently wanted to call me and apologize. I'm glad that she didn't. I don't respect her and it wouldn't have made any difference how I feel about her at all. It would probably make her feel better, but it wouldn't do anything for me.
I know that your situation is different, you didn't know that you were the OW, but would that make any difference to her now? You still ended up with her H.
But it all depends...Have you had any contact with her in the past? Do you talk about the children? I'm assuming those are her kids that you are raising. It really depends what kind of relationship you have with her.
Difficult one...I'm sure that you will get more opinions.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I don't post much anymore, but I read along from time to time and I've been reading you for a while. I'm impressed with the self-reflection you're doing and the learnings your making about yourself and your life. We become really powerful when we start to live conciously.
The whole ex-wife thing is interesting. My xH was well and truely out of his first marriage by the time we got together, and the kids always lived with us but I had a tricky relationship with their mother. I was jealous of her and like you, young and very naive.
It's interesting to me, over 3 years post divorce, still maintaining a very strong relationship with my step-kids, my relationship with their mother has actually become a really nice friendship.
You may or may not have been the OW. It doesn't really matter now. What you are is the children's step-mother and you obviously have a strong relationship with them. That's the basis for any relationship with their mother.
Take it from there - the other stuff is too old to worry about and if she thinks you "stole" her husband and she's not over it yet, you apologising isn't going to help her get over it!
Keep up the good work. This work you are doing now - particularly being honest with yourself about the blinders you've had on to some of Hs flaws and what that means about you - is really tough work, but the lessons will be with you for ever.
Take care, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
