I had a dream last night. In my dream, STBXW showed up at the door and suddenly all her family came in. They were laughing, talking to me, patting me on the back and treating me as if nothing was wrong. I got fearful. I thought it was a trick: either the police were coming...or a 'revenue-er'. I snuck out and left.
First bad dream in a while.
I awoke and heated up the waffle iron and made S9 a homemade waffle. D6 had cereal. STBXW was showering upstairs. When she came down, I went up. Showered, shaved, put on my best suit and tie. The kids left on the bus and I greeted the fence people who came to repair the fence that had come down in those big storms weeks ago.
Cold here.
Wet.
Grey and dreary, befitting my last day being married. I drove to the court house and went thru security. The sheriff who screened me lightened my heart. He saw the Consumers Report mag with 'Best TV's' on the front and we chatted for 2 minutes. Nice..considering these dudes are pretty cold.
I went up to the sixth floor and stared out the window at the lake being whipped around. I have always come alone except for the one time that I thought I was going to trial. 'Anthony' came that time. STBXW has always had an army of family members surrounding her. Today...her aunt was with her. ???
My atty soon came out and we began to review the stip. The only one item requiring thought was how to divide Xmas vacation since STBXW would NOT give up a single one. We decided to split it in half. She will have the first half and I the latter, so, I will always have the kids for NYE and NYD. To avoid another 'fight', I had to let her atty write in that SHE can have access to my realtors, contractors, etc with regards to selling the house. She couldn't handle the loss of control of my running the sale since it is my name on the lease.
Finally, STBXW walked over, and, as usual, insulted me a few times. She lied twice to my L...said I refused a high bid on the house and also canceled one open house (complete lies).
Bleh.
We signed.
STBXW agreed to change from cruel and inhuman to constructive abandonment. Otherwise, we both would have to have an inquest and one by one I would have to review the more than thirty things I initially filed that she did. Now...all she has to do is say she withheld sex from me for one year.
At long last, we were called into the courtroom. An aging judge who looked like Martin Scorsese, then addressed the two of us:
Quote:
I want to thank both of you for being able to settle this case without going to trial. I know this was difficult but had you not, it would have been left to me and, not knowing either of you, I would have to make decisions based on the law versus what is best for the two of you.
You both were fortunate to have two excellent attorneys. Believe me, they fought like cats and dogs for you. However, a settlement is like the story about the French restaurant and the delicatessen. You leave feeling full and a little while later you stop at the deli feeling hungry again. Two days later and at exactly the same time you will both feel like you lost something. That's usually a sign of a fair settlement.
There is usually several questions that I am required to ask but in view of all the work done I don't think that is necessary. Again, I want to thank you both for settling your issues outside the courtroom.
Unlike my friend trapt here, there were no prophetic words that left my lips.
There were no tears.
There were no goodbyes.
After all this time, I had no lines, admonitions, leers, looks or comments. I simply hugged my attorney, kissed her and thanked her....and left.
I don't know how to describe how I feel. Numb isn't it. Angry isn't it. Fear isn't it either. Perhaps, it's just an emptiness inside. Something died. I'm not sure. For sure, it's not love lost anymore. I think, if anything, it's once again, the impending loss of my kids.
I drove to my office and told my office manager, who has been aware of everything, that it was done and that I was going home. I met the kids off the bus. Drove S9 to religious school and then hung with D6. I took them to Chili's for dinner. I bought them cell phones on the way. Who knows even if XW will trash them or let them have them.
At home, I gave D6 one of the last baths that I will most likely give her. She is getting big enough to do this herself now but, she likes me to wash her hair. That will end now.
Finally, I learned that XW has rented a small mom/pop brick house on a small piece of property about 3 blocks away. I was somewhat envious because it would have been a perfect place for me. However, I have a house to sell. I stay with the sinking ship. The rental is $2100 per month without utilities. It will probably cost close to 3K per month. I will now be alone, in a 4 BR house on a 1/2 acre of land, without kids running around. The silence will be deafening.
So..to Bill...my longtime supporter...I wish I could shake your hand and thank you...to all of you. Jeff, frank_d, ford...a few men that kept me strong and focused.
To everyone else....'my women'....the other half...thanks so much. I can't type all the names. I did that once, around December '06 when I thought I had won back my wife. I typed out almost everyone of my supporters in alternating colors of red and green. Naive, of me. DonH knew better. He called it back then.
It's been a long journey. Part 2 of my life.....begins.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
fib, There are no words... I admire your dignity and strength. And I identify with
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
However, I have a house to sell. I stay with the sinking ship. The rental is $2100 per month without utilities. It will probably cost close to 3K per month. I will now be alone, in a 4 BR house on a 1/2 acre of land, without kids running around. The silence will be deafening.
Get out of the house as much as possible, mark it and make it your own as much as possible, blast your music and invite others over as often as possible. Make one room, one section a sanctuary. Put your favorite, most comfortable, soothing, fond, things there. I have. It is sacred. It helps me cope...and heal. Take good care of yourself. Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Gardener, thanks for your words of advise. I have no need for the wedding album or video. I was thinking that I could stay here without any emotional issues or ties. I"m not so sure now. STBXW is leaving a lot behind, so, eventually my move will be tough.
She seems quite happy, focused on school. Remember, that, we are four years out and 2 1/2 years post filing. It truly comes to a close within the next 2 weeks when she leaves. Both kids bedroom furniture is going with them (and I totally agree with that...they should be in their own beds).
If there is one thing I am most bitter about it's the treatment that we men receive. Working makes us less better parents? I don't think so. XW will have to work.
XW will take a hutch in the kitchen, her dresser and mirror, an area rug, china/crystal, coffee table, yada yada. She left many big ticket items behind which, I would have done too if I was the one leaving.
Hey...I keep the flat panel TV. LOL.
I'd be curious tho': would anyone feel free to post their feelings here/experiences in the immediate post-split period? Like Gardener did above: what did you do and how did you cope?
Thanks. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Nearly 2 years out and I am trying to remake the house to get rid of his ghost. Things have come up here and there and with the focus being on the 4 kids, the house hasn't moved along quite as fast as I would have liked. Paint the walls a new color. change the furniture. I did buy all new sheets and a new cover for my bed. Things he has never touched. I am making the house all mine now.
Get out more and live your life more as you did before the marriage. Pick up on old interests. I actually made myself a bucket list, though I have no plans of dying soon. I am working on arranging a hot air balloon ride next month. Then I will look into the next thing. I thought I had to do the list with my kids, but I don't. It is MY list afterall.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I can not offer too much advice. i got the hell out of dodge and only took my personal items with me. Bringing things along is was too painfull. I don't know how XW continues to live in the same house with items that surely bring her back....but hey they WASs are a different breed i think.
