"All rise"

[Drew]

I'd be curious tho': would anyone feel free to post their feelings here/experiences in the immediate post-split period? Like Gardener did above: what did you do and how did you cope?

Thanks. FIB

FIB,

I was in a similar situation as you, without the open hostility though. And quite honestly, my immediate feeling were one of relief. Like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Not that I wanted to be divorced (at the time), however, at least now/then I had clarity.

Family home was listed for sale when we got divorced. XW moved out about three weeks later, however between separate spring break trips and work travel, there were only a few days post divorce that we were in the house together. Due to the state of the real estate market at the time, I ended up living there for almost a year and half before it finally sold. Unfortunately, because of keeping the house "staged" for showings, a lot of her stuff remained in the house, including some of her clothes in the master closet.

My advice? Enjoy the freedom. The quiet. The peace.

Let it refresh your soul.

And I'll bet you end up spending more time with your children than the agreement states. You heard it here first.

I wish you nothing but the best, my friend.

Strength and honor.

[figgeroni]

Frank...
I got rid of things piece by piece while I was still in the home

It felt good to leave to a new home

of ourse, every place was rented so it is a different sort of feeling

but

after long years

i now own my own house

it is fun making it mine

do what you can to claim your house back
start small
look at magazines and books, change things that you are apathetic about, like doorknobs or curtains

I remember feeling empty...like wind through an abandoned building...there were cobwebs and "things" left but they were all covered in dust...hollow I guess
I decided to go with that image and use it...so I cleaned...I started with a corner in my mind and cleaned it and then moved on

(I watched the movie Under the Tuscan Sun and that is how I felt inside...like that house...drafty and filled with useless things in need of some work and a good cleaning)

now I feel like home inside, warm and candles and cooking smells and love and laughter

you will feel that way too

[faithisbelieving]

Thanks Drew, fig, john, kat...

Tough night. My son burst in the door excited about the new rental he is about to go into. I may have been totally wrong. I thought S9 would have a rough time with this. Maybe not. I kept on a good poker face. D6, 7 on Saturday, made no comments. She was more excited about the cell phones I got for both of them.

I think what hurt the most tho', was, finding papers under the couch tonite re: travel plans to France. I am semi-fluent in French and had always planned to go there with the kids. STBXW is now taking French in school and apparently is 'trying' to beat me to the punch. It stings. A $2100/month rental sans utilities, a trip to France, catalogs for a new Nissan Altima while I am left with all the debt and, in two weeks, I will be paying child support on top of a mortgage.

Bleh.

Thought this was going to be easier.

FIB

[Reincarnated]

Nothing is easy about this, Frank.

I know the double-edged sword when the kids seem ok - we SO want them to be ok, but there is a part of us that wishes they were "on our side," proof to the world and the ex (ex, now right? not STBXW...sorry, it was hard for me to transition, myself) that this is all so very wrong.
It is hard to share their happiness when we aren't a direct part of it.

But, you are. They can have happy moments with each of their parents BECAUSE you have worked so hard to do all that you can for them, BECAUSE you sacrificed so much to make sure that you are the best father possible.

Plan a trip to the Islands (can't think of which speaks French off-hand), take the kids swimming with dolphins, etc.
In short, keep your focus on you and your time with them - make plans. And let a little glimmer of gratitude in that they are safe, cared for and loved when they are with their mother (even though we all wish that our ex's were better parents - most seem to at least be trying their hardest to be as good as they can with those relationships, given the flaws they have).

(((Frank)))

[Reincarnated]

btw...

about the quiet house. Think about getting a new pet...a cat? The kids would love it, too. And you'd be surprised about how it helps you, too.

[smith18]

Frank -

I agree with Drew in that I believe you will indeed get extra time with the kids.

Just a bit of advice - I know you are venting, and maybe you need to go through an anger phase about the whole D, but it will serve you well to not focus too much on the things that bug you. And dont let what you XW's life is now affect you.

Just keep being the great dad you are for your son and daughter. The knowlege and honor you will imprint on them is beyond value.

[frank_D]

A $2100/month rental sans utilities, a trip to France, catalogs for a new Nissan Altima while I am left with all the debt and, in two weeks, I will be paying child support on top of a mortgage.

Her money won't last very long. It will be a hard crash.

By the way, France is a big country. I've seen it.

And the world is a big world. There's lots of places to go where they speak french.

[Kalni]

There is nothing in France that beats the Greek islands... Kastelorizo, Patmos, Crete, etc etc... And you would have a tiny room to sleep in, in Athens, so you could go visit Parthenon with the kids... All we need to do is careful planning Frank...

When the kids are happy with the Xs, we get those feelings of being "low lifes" cause we wish they didnt. It IS human. I think everybody feels that way. As time goes by and things stabilise, these feelings will fade.

Frank, it wont be easy but you have been much worse and you did well. If money is a problem, focus on that. Keep your thinking drama-free.
Hugs
K


CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!! You got rid of the crazy witch!

[Bworl]

I too will echo in with the conflict inside when our kids seem "ok" with the ex and, even harder, the significant other of the ex.

I still will not allow my ex's new husband near my home. I have shaken his hand only one time, and only then because I was challenged internally by reading of someone else's "higher road" experience on this board.

And yet, Frank...we know inside that we want our kids to be happy and comfortable whereever they are. Even with our ex.

Didn't frank_d hit the nail on the head with the comment that your ex will not be able to sustain the "disney Mom" role for long? And even if she does, while it will often grate inside, in the end anything that gives the kids positive experiences is ultimately a good thing.

There is nothing easy about this. There should be nothing easy about this. The most difficult part of your story is that it does certainly seem as though you bear the brunt of the burden, when it is your ex who stepped away from the marriage. I know it burns. I also know that if you allow time to do it's part, and if you fill your life with good things now, it will not burn so brightly forever.


Even now, post-divorce, it's important to stay the course. You have no idea what events will unfold in the coming months and years. Your ex's track record on stability is shaky at best. It's not so difficult to envision a scenario where you become a much more present part of your kids lives at some point.


Should that happen, they need to find that their Dad has continued to grow and strengthen. They need to have that rock in their life who has dealt with the wrongs, the pains, and the inequities, and has reached a point of peace in his life.


The "invincible summer." Remember that Frank?


Find it.


Blessings,

Bill

[faithisbelieving]

Now I know why it's been so hard to leave here. All I have to do is read the above. You all are so right.

I say to all here with certainty that I know that:
-I will be lonely in the ensuing weeks when my children leave
-the insults, laundry thrown on the floor and walking on eggshells is now going away
-there will be peace for me
-that my children love me and miss me when they are away
-there are good things coming my way

To Donna and Kerry....and Bill: it is so true that what really matters is that the children are happy and that the pressure they felt between their parents will dissolve. Sadly, last night, for the first time, my son said to me, "well, dad, you and mom will probably get back together in 2 years." He looked so distraught when I told him that it was not going to happen. He asked me why? Again...what do you say? I said that mommy and daddy were very unhappy together and that mommy deserves to be happy. So does daddy.

Is it a little boy thing....the jealousy? Is it normal? Is it expected? If you do have those feelings and you channel it appropriately, is that right or healthy? I don't know.

To Donna...we just lost our 17 year old cat and Sammy, our greyhound, had to be put to sleep last August. The kids lost both their beloved pets in a few months. And, as mundane as this must sound, XW will probably abandon their hamster. I will ask her to take it with her as I can't take care of it now.

Finally, Bill, I'm not sure how you could do that...shake OM's hand. I, too, have read those stories. I recall reading one story here where the ex-husband went on some sort of vacation with his XW and OM. I know how courageous Kerry has been with an OM who is several decades older than he.

Is it courage? Will I have to shake hands with bagelman if he becomes XW's new man?

Bleh.

Focus, I guess, is key right now. Focus on restarting my life. Focus on the kids when I have them. As all you have said above, focus on the happiness of my children, in, whatever form that may be.

My work begins.

Finally, today, at 9AM, I received a text from XW:

Aren't you supposed to pay me custody today?

My response?

Yes.

Bleh.

FIB