OK so you are trying to act like a roommate would since he is treating you like one and only sees you as a roommate....
roommates: (polite ones?) split bills have their own food take turns cleaning sometimes hang out together sometimes let the other know if they will have company (like if someone will spend the night) don't have to tell the other where they are going or doing
So not paying for the kids is only one part of the whole roommate scenario but I get it.
Interesting- wonder if you just kept going with this. Actually, you should check out SeeingRed's thread in the infidelity forum bc she just shared a session with her DB coach- Red's H has been in a long term A....maybe there is some advice that she received that could help you!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Well, I have to say everyone, I feel like my mojo is back.
It's family night, every Tuesday we do something with the whole family, including DSS20 if he is around... anyway, went to the store to get some adult beverages and H just sat there in my car crossing his arms and physically putting off the vibes of "I'm as closed off from you as possible." LOL, I'm smiling as I write this... I just felt like - HA! I got your number, buddy. I just felt that it was intentional and I am starting to feel that when he feels close to me or in danger of being close, he physically closes himself off to maintain the distance.
I know this is not a game, but I just feel like right now, I'm having a bit of fun. I know he's in pain and I will not lose sight of that, but it's just become funny to me. When I walk in the room, you can feel him pull away - and this is the big thing... it's not getting to me. I feel like I'm GETTING IT and it's not a "oh, no, I'm going to die" moment... it's not "he's in control and I feel like less than nothing" or anything similar...
It's a "I'm in charge of myself and I'm feeling good about myself" kind of feeling.
From this distance, from way up here, I am able to observe H and see what he's doing and why he's doing it... and NOW I am in a great place to WIN this game of life... to not only detach and become a great person but to also be ready to rebuild this M one day.
Journaling: I fell asleep on the love seat and the kids went to bed and H got up to do the dogs and said in his "I don't want you around" tone "time to go to bed..." I fell back asleep, I was tired, and he came back in and said "don't you think it's time to go to bed." I was like, yah, whatever. I sat up and tried to wake myself up and finally went to sleep with the dogs. No worries, it's not affecting me.
Trying to detach doesn't work until you're ready to do it. Maybe the work I did looking at myself, praying, reading on detachment, etc got me to this point, and I'm not promising that I am totally detached - but something has changed, it feels different this time than a few weeks ago when I had the detachment feelings but wound up getting sucked back in.
This morning was typical with me singing songs and dancing around the dogs, making breakfast - and H alternatively looking at me with confusion and a look that tells me he's trying not to be amused.
Oh, he also sent me some craigslist ads yesterday for motorcycles for me. I know he wants one, and perhaps he feels like if he finds one for me, it gives him permission to get one himself. He said he was looking for cheap bikes and they are all smaller, like what I would need. That sounds plausible, but why send them to me, he could have just ignored them... that was a notable thing, so I'm journaling it also.
Today going to get my taxes filed. You all can hit me hard with 2x4s if I don't... I have been saying every day that I'm going to do it and it's been almost a week. I have to get that done before I lose my mind, I have to file bankruptcy to stop from losing our apartment building, which H is still not done with.
Trying to detach doesn't work until you're ready to do it.
Yup! You'll do this to the degree you need to when you're ready. You have been feeling EVERYTHING lately, questioning it and looking at it. It is what pushes us forward on our journey.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I know this is not a game, but I just feel like right now, I'm having a bit of fun. I know he's in pain and I will not lose sight of that, but it's just become funny to me.
It's not a game, but sometimes it seems like it, doesn't it? You're doing real well and that's a big step to be able to see what he's trying to do.
Journaling:"time to go to bed..." I fell back asleep, I was tired, and he came back in and said "don't you think it's time to go to bed." I was like, yah, whatever.
Of all the things! Don't you hate it when someone TELLS you to go to bed!
RE: detachment, It really does have to do with feeling more ready to do so. I also find trying to take it just one day at a time helps (i.e. not saying, I will detach forever, or until X, etc). Works better some days than others though
Why is it that I'm finally getting control of my emotions, I'm kicking butt on finally "getting it" on what MLC is about and what I need to do... and now my eating is out of control again?
I've eaten candy every day this week, and have gained a few pounds instead of losing.
2nd...Old Chinese curse: May you get what you wish for.
Quote:
I know he wants one, and perhaps he feels like if he finds one for me, it gives him permission to get one himself.
PERHAPS he is going to form his own Biker Gang and go to biker war with other biker gangs and attack oil settlements when the economy collapses and PERHAPS you will be his Moll, and PERHAPS he might trade you for oil for his gang later...
Perhaps, he is actually thinking of you and thinks it is might be fun that you both go biking....perhaps in his own way this is a nice gesture. And who knows down the road...one day you might both enjoy some of the fruits of the MLC crazy tree. Perhaps you both riding on weekends is one of them.
PS if your goal was to lose wieght then yes you do suck. Kill the fat girl inside telling you candy is ok and equals love.
If you didn't have a goal and are happy with your body...then you don't suck. But candy still doesn't equal love. ; )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
