Good job Ken. I know it hurts right now, and you are likely terrified, but trust me it gets easier from here. Your wife is deluded if she thinks this guy is going to solve her problems and keep her in a perpetual state of bliss.
Reality needs a few weeks to sink in.
The only slip you made is validating her not loving you. Ken she does love you, she's addicted to a fantasy right now and has no idea what she's doing... do NOT support her saying she doesn't love you.
This is how you handle that :
WIFE : I don't love you... I haven't for a very long time
YOU : Love isn't a feeling, its a conscious commitment two adults make to raise children and support each other. And right now you are doing a miserable job of both.
WIFE : I want us to stay friends for our kids.
YOU : Right now you don't deserve a marriage or children.
WIFE : Why do you have to make this difficult?
YOU : Everything I am doing and I have done is for you and our children. You will have to learn about this mistake the hard way. Unfortunately me and our children will be the ones paying the price for the next two years until this affair ends and you realize how selfish you are right now.
WIFE : So now what?
YOU : Please leave. Stay away from me and our children, they need adults who set examples of commitment and maturity, not selfish children who chase fantasies and tear households apart.
WIFE : I love <om>
YOU : I realize you are foolish enough to believe he's the better man, but there is one important thing that you aren't acknowledging : I wouldn't do to this household alone what he is doing to TWO households. You can walk out of here to be with him but despite everything I would be ashamed to be in his place right now... .
Thanks Allen. I said those things to her after she came home and decided to sleep on the sofa.
Well when she got home, I asked her about her plan. She doesn't have one. It looks like she intends to stay in the house and continue the affair. As much as I don't want to do it, I think I'm going to have to use that temporary separation order to move things forward. I just read Penny Tuppy's book and as she said, I feel like I'm trying to "drive a car from inside the trunk".
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Why are you asking your wife what HER plan is.. she has no plan, she's an ADDICT.
You set the pace of the marriage FOR her... you need to push her in two directions here... one of which she has to take, neither of which she will like
a. End her affair and attend family therapy to repair her marriage b. Leave her home, her husband, and her children for a reckless unproven unreliable man
She doens't like EITHER of those, she wants
c. Continue a taboo secret love affair with a married man
YOU put a stop to c, make sure she knows c is NOT available to her anymore, and then she has to go with a or b.
She doens't like a or b...she wants c.. keep pushing hard on that so she cna't have c.
If you keep pushing her to choose a or b, she will have to pick one... in the long term she will relialize A is her best choice, but right NOW she thinks B is her best choice...
If you keep pushing her and hit her with reality A will start to look a better option.
Dont' hand the planning over to an addict.. YOU plan, YOU talk to the lawyer and put it all in motion. She will squirm and yell and throw tantrums like a five year old, but eventually a or b will have to happen...
Make sure A looks as invitnig as you can make it.. WITHOUT losing your self respect.. you are NOT a doormat.. you are agood person, but good people respect themselves too.
Why are you asking your wife what HER plan is.. she has no plan, she's an ADDICT.
You set the pace of the marriage FOR her... you need to push her in two directions here... one of which she has to take, neither of which she will like
a. End her affair and attend family therapy to repair her marriage b. Leave her home, her husband, and her children for a reckless unproven unreliable man
She doens't like EITHER of those, she wants
c. Continue a taboo secret love affair with a married man
YOU put a stop to c, make sure she knows c is NOT available to her anymore, and then she has to go with a or b.
She doens't like a or b...she wants c.. keep pushing hard on that so she cna't have c.
If you keep pushing her to choose a or b, she will have to pick one... in the long term she will relialize A is her best choice, but right NOW she thinks B is her best choice...
If you keep pushing her and hit her with reality A will start to look a better option.
Dont' hand the planning over to an addict.. YOU plan, YOU talk to the lawyer and put it all in motion. She will squirm and yell and throw tantrums like a five year old, but eventually a or b will have to happen...
Make sure A looks as invitnig as you can make it.. WITHOUT losing your self respect.. you are NOT a doormat.. you are agood person, but good people respect themselves too.
NOTICE TO ALL READERS:
Puppy Dog Tails is officially out of Whistles today. We hope to have more in stock tomorrow, so keep checking back frequently, but don't expect any further recognition today, no matter how brilliant your posts are. The management regrets any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Why are you asking your wife what HER plan is.. she has no plan, she's an ADDICT.
You set the pace of the marriage FOR her... you need to push her in two directions here... one of which she has to take, neither of which she will like
a. End her affair and attend family therapy to repair her marriage b. Leave her home, her husband, and her children for a reckless unproven unreliable man
She doens't like EITHER of those, she wants
c. Continue a taboo secret love affair with a married man
YOU put a stop to c, make sure she knows c is NOT available to her anymore, and then she has to go with a or b.
Ken said he liked flow charts, so I laid it out pretty simple.
I think Ken's fear is that his wife will decide to give b a spin... Ken, the more reality you throw at her the more b will look like a fantasy that won't come true...
Start buying some books on divorce and the adverse impacts it has on children...leave them lying around the house...
Puppy Dog Tails is officially out of Whistles today. We hope to have more in stock tomorrow, so keep checking back frequently, but don't expect any further recognition today, no matter how brilliant your posts are. The management regrets any inconvenience this may have caused you.
I am still aiming for the big five again lol
But for today, I will take a four At least this will keep me from getting voted off the forum lol
When I say throw reality at her I do NOT mean pursue her.
I mean
1. Ask her to end her affair or leave the home 2. Offer her minimum support and child access 3. Offer her NO emotional interaction from you at all.. YOU ARE A STONE
4. Have people she trusts educate her on the reckelessness and short term viability of infidelity - NOT YOU
5. have people she trusts educate her on the long term adverse impacts divorce has on children
6. Have people she trusts educate her on the character of the man she is pursuing...
Note, she does NOT trust you... have someone she respects (not you) educate her if at all possible
This last avenue of education may not be available to you.
In such case, YOU collect articles and books for your own reading and leave them around the house where she may stumble on them and read them... do NOT make it obvious you are trying to educate her... put them on YOUR desk bookmarked to the pages you want her to read...
And then go out for a walk and wait for her to snoop.. and she WILL SNOOP
Ken said he liked flow charts, so I laid it out pretty simple.
I think Ken's fear is that his wife will decide to give b a spin... Ken, the more reality you throw at her the more b will look like a fantasy that won't come true...
I suppose that's MOST people's fear.
But I actually think the LBS has their own thought process, and too often it goes something like:
a. Do nothing; leave her alone, and hopefully she'll realize OM is a predator and a jerk, and come back to me;
b. Do nothing other than GAL, and hopefully she'll see my changes, drop OM and come back to me;
c. Aggressively attack the affair via exposure, take a strong legal stance, and lay out (and enforce) firm boundaries, which is all really scary, and would probably only push her into the arms of the other man;
And so they choose "a", because it's the easiest path. Or maybe they choose "a" with a smattering of "b" thrown in. That one involves some work, but the work is just all on YOURSELF, so it's still non-confrontational, and easier.
What they need to realize is that it's the combination of "b" and "c" that stands the best chance of success.
OK, I'm giving myself a whistle on that one. I had a spare laying around in the drawer.
In such case, YOU collect articles and books for your own reading and leave them around the house where she may stumble on them and read them... do NOT make it obvious you are trying to educate her... put them on YOUR desk bookmarked to the pages you want her to read...
And then go out for a walk and wait for her to snoop.. and she WILL SNOOP
At least this will keep me from getting voted off the forum lol
