I don't recommend timelines for anything. Every person and situation is different, so tying yourself (or the WAS) to an artificial "deadline" is frequently counter-productive.
Think of it like instructions in a recipe. It likely says, "Empty whipping cream in bowl and whip until firm", not "Empty whipping cream in bowl and whip for five minutes". Why? Because one person might whip faster than another, resulting in something more akin to butter in the case of the former and a runny mess in the case of the latter. The key is the end result, not the "timeline".
Likewise, you're going through a process that will take some time. How quickly you move through it, what you discover along that journey, and when you make those discoveries will be unique to your sitch and the people involved. I can sympathize with the desire...the need...for some semblance of order and control, but you have to learn to wait for the point when something just clicks. You'll know it when it happens, but you can't predict or schedule it.
Originally Posted By: Wholeagain
Another stupid question. How do you know if they still have feelings for you?
The short answer is that you don't (and can't). Sure, there may be some clues, but they can have so many meanings and are so often overridden by other factors that they are virtually useless. That's really the underpinning for the concept of acting "as if", because what's happening in that scrambled brain is probably indecipherable to the WAS and almost certainly to you.
I understand how you feel. My spouse is very controlling too. When I went to see my brother for new years, he kicked me and my kids out of the house and told me I wasn't allowed to come home anymore. I tried staying at my brothers but I couldn't get an apartment since I'm not working (because he asked me to quit, but I still paid half of the bills and rent). So I came back home. He was furious! Yelled and screamed at me over the phone. When he saw me face to face, he was a lot calmer and acted like a victim. I was confussed, how can he act like the victim when he had kicked me and my two kids out of my own house?
i'm in the same boat. WAH and no children. reconciliation seems hopeless for us with no children. there is no reason for the spouse to stick around. they think it's like a bf/gf breakup but it hurts everyone no matter what.
i am feeling pessimistic and very hopeless. i know i need to work on myself and look at how i contributed to the problem. but somehow i am beginning to feel that db-ing is just a way of making the LBS feel less like a victim so he/she can move on.
my goal is to save my marriage. there is no OP. no abuse. but same story - once h makes up his mind, that's it. there is no changing it. if that's the case, then why bother db-ing? it's pointless. i can work on myself until the cows come home and it will not save my marriage.
i'm sorry fellow posters and DB-ers. i'm not looking for pity today. really. i have been reading posts and i just feel like there are more marriage breaking up than getting back together. it leaves me feeling less optimistic about my sitch.
my h and i talk on a daily basis. we are not hostile towards one another. we talk like friends and joke with one another. you wouldn't think that two people like us are getting a d. but we are. we don't go out together. we don't sit in the same car together even if we are going to the same place. we do nothing together except watch tv and have dinner at home.
it kills me to put a brave face on every day. do i even know the reason why we are d-ing? i did get the ilybinilwy line and h would much rather live a life alone. he says he's been so hurt by our M that he thinks every woman is after his money and he'd rather spoil himself than to spend money (ie. buy gifts) on a woman ever again.
can somebody give me some kind of kick in the pants today? i'm so ready to throw in the towel even though my marriage is destroyed for unknown trivial reasons.
You may have an advantage because your H is feeling insecure about the institution of marriage now. He's failed at it (in his mind) and what is the real purpose of dating? To find someone you trust and can be there for, and hopefully they will do the same for you.
I can see how some men are very, very selfish after a D. Especially when he is your basic nice guy, which this one sounds like since you are like frineds now.
Your H now has this huge "falure" in his mind to work through.
And men are NOT good at figuring this stuff out.
I think you could do something wonderful for him--admit YOUR shortcomings and how YOU contributed to this in an honest and "friend-like" way. You will give him hope for a future. And....he may look at you again. He may not--it's the chance you will take--but you admitting your faults without blame and with genuine regret (without any "neediness" either) will be attractive.
(Combine it with some healthy optimism and inner strength that you have worked hard for) Use the phrase "it will all work out". That phrase is a FAVORITE of men--look how many movies use that phrase!
"Help" him figure out what went wrong, and he may see that it can be "fixed". Don't offer ANY solutions to fix it though. Just put the facts out there (yours) with NO BLAME and let him see how the downward spiral began.
When you joke and talk, add a little bit of flirting. Men love a flirt.
i think you are right - h admitted that our m breakdown was a personal failure to him that he is struggling with. if it is a personal failure, why did he write off trying to fix it? he just threw his arms up in the air and said it's so broken beyond repair. no amount of mc-ing will fix it. of course, this was all said during the initial turbulent stage of the process. we are four months into separation now. soon we will be physically apart.
h was always a good guy to me. that's why i married him. and i do believe that he is struggling with this decision. it is a personal failure but i think he is also seeing the negative effects it is having on those around him (family, friends).
he wanted an amicable split. but when he drops the d-bomb simply because he felt that "marriage shouldn't be this hard", you're not going to get an amicable d. everybody knows that marriage has its ups and downs marriage is hard work so to split because you're afraid of hard work. u're just being naive. guys don't ask other guys 'hey is your marriage up and down at times?'.
i do believe the failure is on his mind. i have been okay since. h has lost sleep and has buried himself in work. h does not smile. the only time he does is when we watch tv and i make him laugh.
i think the big challenge for me is to figure out what those shortcomings are. i can't admit to a random set of faults otherwise it will seem scripted.
funny thing is, everyone has been telling me that i can't help him figure things out. he has to figure it out on his own. it's like the "you can only change yourself, you can't change him" thing. i wish i could help him but he's locked into one state right now that he's almost impossible to get through.
another thing i need to work on - forgiveness. there is so much anger and resentment in me that it eats away at me. i was so angry yesterday that i even yelled at my L. probably because he was asking me how i wanted to proceed. i told him that h wanted the d. i expect him to take charge. i don't know if he's still shopping around for a better L. but he hasn't pushed his L for anything yet.
i think being physically apart will be a big shock to both of us.
WAW 2.5 months ago. I left that day because she asked me to, and I had no idea about the EA that soon after the bomb became a PA. No children, no pets (our beautiful dog died unexpectedly 2 months prior to the bomb). OM is my ex-friend and close work colleague, so it's in my face every day. The holidays, the nights out, the trips, the "I love you so much" talk is around constantly. It's tough.
I've been doing LRT for about 7 weeks. Only email contact with the WAW. She initially phoned me constantly about rubbish like going to fix her computer (I refused, the OM is apparently no good with computers!), and then up till about a week ago to move my wrecked car from her drive, which I immediately had removed. I let her leave voicemails. She generally asked how I was on them, but I think it was just to pacify her own guilt. Nothing since then.
I send one email a week politely asking for the money she owes me as I've been quite financially disadvantaged by having to move out at the same time as paying for a lot of pre-planned renovations on my house in Scotland and needing new car. When confronted neither OM or WAW felt they had done anything wrong as they're "in love", and freely admitted their now public relationship. I exposed to WAW family (who are horrified with her), and my workplace to make life more difficult for the OM, and a week later went dark.
WAW visited solicitor re separation order 2 weeks after the bomb but before I knew about the affair. Nothing can be done legally till Aug as we'd only been married 6 months on bomb day, and then we need to be separated for 2 yrs after, so we're legally connected for a long time yet. I asked for MC when we split, she always refused. I guess I learned why the day I found the email trail.
I know my failings in our marriage. I didn't listen to her enough. The OM did this a plenty. She felt undervalued. I've addressed my failings and even been to MC on my own as well. I'm GAL.
Glad to find this thread. I think it's trickier to DB from a position of no children, but probably more difficult and hurtful for all involved long term if there are. We were supposed to be starting a family this year, but I'm currently feeling I don't want my future offspring to be parented by someone who can set such a poor example.
Anyway, nice to be amongst friends, and nice to know that there are others facing similar problems.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
OM is my ex-friend and close work colleague, so it's in my face every day. The holidays, the nights out, the trips, the "I love you so much" talk is around constantly. It's tough.
That is just awful...and cruel beyond words. My sympathies.
OM is my ex-friend and close work colleague, so it's in my face every day. The holidays, the nights out, the trips, the "I love you so much" talk is around constantly. It's tough.
That is just awful...and cruel beyond words. My sympathies.
Yep. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It almost killed me, but I'm still standing. Still holding my head up high, and have got my life back on track. I have reasons to be proud - they only have reasons to be ashamed. And I'm confident that they'll realise it soon enough.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
