Ok, I am understanding now! Well, that is just wrong that he is out overnight with OW!
I, too, have been doing a lot of thinking and will admit that I am just not sure...I have days where I am still hoping for H to come home and reconcile and others where I am positive that I am through with it all! Whatever happens, I know that I will be ok!
Just make sure that you are ready if your H surprises you and decides to leave.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Well, good, I'm glad someone understands because I sure as heck don't. LOLOL. Yeah, I kept saying that I don't understand how he can be out overnight with her when she is married, but then again, so is he and he's out with her...
Nope, don't understand a thing, but I guess that's because it just doesn't make any sense.
If he leaves, it will be easier in some ways b/c my livingroom will be clean of his clothes, us two girls can share the bathroom without having to wait for him to get out in the morning, and I won't have to spend any time wondering how he's being affected by me and my actions. I would miss him in many ways... but for instance, I miss him tremendously in the bedroom, miss him holding me at night, and waking up to him in the morning, but I also am loving having the whole bed to myself every night. I can stretch out, and cuddle with my big puppy girl.
And since I KNOW that he will come back around at the end of this, after growing (both of us) and have a GREAT R - it would be best for them if he left.
This is YOUR truth. You have to go on down the path to get to it.
You have to continue your journey.
You have to be the stronger one.
Make the hard decisions.
Have the courage push through this MH.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
H took DSS16 to his Monday activity and I suspect I won't see him again until tomorrow before work. He'll be home around 5:30, as he leaves OW at 3:30. I know where he goes, but don't have proof that I want to share.
Should I just feign ignorance? I am not snooping any more, as I only did twice, once to confirm the A and once to confirm he wasn't maintaining no contact like he had promised. He is hiding it from me.
This is my last stuck point. The rest I'm good at.
Pretty well decided that I will be laying down the boundary of not sharing my money with him any more. We'll split bills 1/5 me and 4/5 him excepting the mortgage, which I'll pay 50% of. He still contacts OW on FB and that was a boundary I laid down. I asked him a few weeks ago to get rid of her as a "friend" on there and he said he'd think about it, he wanted to be the one to decide, so I've decided to tell him that since he won't maintain no contact in all ways, I will not be paying for his children any longer.
I know you're not supposed to be laying ultimatums early in MLC, so I'm about 90% decided on this boundary... I already said it but he may have just forgotten about it. However, I feel he's disrespected me by saying he will not cut her off entirely.
(remembering that he thinks I think he's not seeing her in person and the PA has stopped... but I know that's a lie)
This is my last stuck point... the rest I'm very good with, thank you very much... moving forward, feeling good, going to get off these stupid, addictive boards for a few hours tonight to file my taxes finally so I can speak to lawyer tomorrow to file bankruptcy (reorganization, not discharge of debt) and start over financially. I'm looking forward to getting back on my feet financially. We make decent money but neither of us can say no to the other, especially me to H. (I like to eat out occasionally but H likes to blow money constantly and buy toys.)
I'm grateful that I have this chance to start over, many do not get it.
Bombed on my diet, you guys... I ate junk today. Starting fresh tomorrow. Part of it is not getting to bed early enough so that I oversleep - and don't get up to go to the gym... when I work out, I don't want to eat junk.
Journaling: Hmmm, weird, H came home at 8:30. So weird... where on earth was he for two and a half hours? And why did he come home so early?
I don't care, guys, so don't say "why are you trying to figure it out, just go with it?" or anything - LOL. It's just an odd thing to happen... thought it was worth journaling.
M&H- excuse me for being nervy and asking, but what does not paying for his kids have to do with him not taking OW off of his facebook? Is it a punishment? Do you hope that by switching up the bills that he will take OW off of facebook? Or what? Thank you for explaining- I am curious and nosey!
Now about feigning ignorance about where he goes when he sees OW. It seems like when you are ready to switch approaches, or change something up, it would make sense that you could let him know that you know where he goes at that time. Because it would be part of the whole change in the dynamics between you and your WH. Do you see what I mean? letting him know that you know at this time, when you aren't making any major changes, isn't that powerful (IMO). But when you are ready to go dim or dark (if that is what you choose) then it seems like letting him know at that itime would make more of an impact.
Last edited by newmama; 05/11/1005:24 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
No, absolutely NM, you're right to ask. My H and I always had a rule with the children that the punishment must fit the crime, if you will.
H agreed to no contact. He did not agree to work on our M during that time, as he's "done" and will "never" feel anything for me again... regardless, OW is supposed to be working on her M. They're meeting and having sex just like before... and they're M. They are not behaving as spouses should behave.
As a M stepmom, I shared my money equally with H.
He's not behaving as a M man, and therefore, I believe that if he's going to treat me as a roommate, he should have to take not just the "fun" roommate behaviors/consequences (going out to all hours, not checking in with anyone, no responsibility to his family, f-ing another woman, drinking, spending money) - then he should have to also have to take on the not-so-fun responsibilities, such as paying for his own children. If he were to D me, he would be doing this 100%, and he's telling his friends and family behind my back we're as good as divorced now... so why should I be paying for his expenses? He agreed to no contact and being on fb and talking to her is contact. He's breaking the agreement he had with me.
Now, by extension, he should also be handling all the other things, such as making doctor appts, driving them to activities, making dinner, grocery shopping, etc... but he won't and they'll suffer, so I'm still doing those things. Mostly, I'm here emotionally for them when they blow up due to the stress they're under, and they do that frequently, and I am here to teach them life lessons, which I do frequently - and most of that stress and most of those lessons are around "why is Daddy acting this way" and questions such as "will Daddy leave us?" and "where is Daddy, and why did he blow off my sweet sixteen (yes, he disappeared... and none of her friends came either, they all called and said this coming weekend would be better due to mothers day...) so DSD16 was abandoned by her friends, so I took her out to buy lunch for the kids and an outfit for her and her daddy left to be with OW rather than come with the family.
I agree about not letting him know now... it's just that it's like lying to me, since I know he's still seeing her, but then again, I haven't snooped or anything so I have no proof recently, just a really good gut feeling. I just feel like one of my boundaries would be that if he is still having sex with her, that may be it for me, I may ask him to leave, so I wonder if I should be purposefully NOT asking questions and NOT finding out intel, just so that I can keep the status quo, so to speak. I know in my heart and soul that if I snooped today, I'd find evidence today that they're still meeting, having sex, and planning on "telling the world of their great love" and divorcing their spouses as soon as "their spouses are strong enough to handle it" and running into the sunset together.
Meanwhile, he's telling me he's had no contact. I guess my question is... if I said to H "have you maintained no contact?" and he told me that he is back in contact with her, is it an appropriate time to tell him, OK, pack your bags.
Are there any old timers that would comment on this?
This was a post I made under my alter ego back during my H's EA in 2003...
Quote:
You better come over Renew. You are such an inspiration with your patience and determination. So many can and have learned from you. Come on over. If I'm here, you definitely should be!
Christine, thanks for the kind words. I do believe we will make it. I still love this man with all my heart, and I believe he loves me. He has just been hurt and disconnected his feelings. He doesn't know how to find the road back to feeling that love again. I hope to be his guide, and I hope I continue to find strength in the posts surrounding me.
I am looking back at them to see what has changed since then. I feel more broken now, I was much more optimistic then. I think it's the second time, plus all the energy I've put into this family, plus our finances being messed up now... I'm feeling broken.
I keep picking myself up and then falling back down.
Time for a written game plan, that's one thing I did before that I am not doing now. I had a game plan to follow and things to check off as they were accomplished.
