Well, I just don't know what to think. Here we are a few days later, H is still here and things seem 'back to normal' which is that we are coexisting fairly peacefully.
At one point yesterday we were watching a movie, he sat next to me on the sofa and started to massage my feet. I got all teary, and when he asked me why said that it just hurt so much when he was nice to me, since I felt like he didn't really care. (I know, bad DB-ing, but at that point I just got overwhelmed). He got all grumpy and when I went up to bed he bedded down on the sofa.
However, 4am, I hear footsteps coming upstairs and he slides into bed next to me, doesn't say a word. This morning, didn't mention it. Did he forget from yesterday? Is he really that screwed up? I can only marvel at the MLC actions. First he's just all gung-ho to run out, and the next moment its like nothing ever happened.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Well, I just don't know what to think. Here we are a few days later, H is still here and things seem 'back to normal' which is that we are coexisting fairly peacefully.
Well, don't think too much about it then. I know it's easier said than done but if things are peaceful, go with it and live in the moment.
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I got all teary, and when he asked me why said that it just hurt so much when he was nice to me, since I felt like he didn't really care. (I know, bad DB-ing, but at that point I just got overwhelmed). He got all grumpy and when I went up to bed he bedded down on the sofa.
See what happened? You threw some guilt at him. They will become grumpy, angry, and defensive when you do this.
Wow, Jack3B, is that one of your famous 2x4's? I guess you are right, I shouldn't do what I know is bad, but I was just venting here.
thanks Trapt, This is so frustrating, as there is this strange creature masquarading as my husband, who is occasionally nice to me, yet at the same time wants to be with the OW and tells me we are finished. I just feel like I don't know how to act anymore or where to turn. I guess me throwing guilt at him is actually a 180 for me, since for the past 2 years I have tried to be understanding of all of his MLC cr*p and trying to be a good DB-er.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
There is a huge difference between venting and saying I know is bad DBing but I (insert lame reason why someone didn't DB...EVEN though THEY know its bad to do this)
For me...
"Yes...but..." "I know...but..." "I'm sorry...bu..." I hate that sort of logic.
Anything you said prior to the BUT is...wasted. The But is an excuse.
And excuses are permissions to fail.
Once you get over the inital taste of failing, it gets easier to swallow.
Yes that was a 2x4. : )
I know it was bad DBing...I'll do better next time.
IF overwhelemed is the reason you are going to screw up, then you are going to screw up alot, because you are going to be overwhlemed alot...ALOT.
Get tougher.
Trapt is right about the guilt.
And the honest truth about many guys...we think and deep down believe tears are traps and guilt.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
thanks for the kick in the pants, J3B. I needed to be reminded to be tough. You are right, I do get overwhelmed alot and need to do better.
This past week my husband started showing me things that he would normally take care of so that I can 'handle things' when he is gone. Just basic stuff I really already knew, like writing checks and things, but these are all things he jealously guarded as 'his turf' during our marriage. I'm not sure how the handle this in a DB manner. I guess I should be thankful he at least seems to take some responsibility and not just walk out and abandon me, and yet if I'm receptive I think it gives the impression that this is what I want.
Just when I think I have things figured out on how to act, he sets me spinning again.
This weekend was another weekend for him to spend away. I have to admit that it was nice to be in the house without tension. On friday evening I had this weird crying fit, thinking about how our recently deceased cat used to want to sit on my lap. At the time I was spending alot of time on the DB boards, doing research and reading in the archives about MLC. I felt guilty about pushing the cat off of my lap because she kept wanting to sit on my laptop computer. Then I realized that somehow I was more mad at my husband and how he had made me act towards the cat, than how he had acted towards me. Maybe that means that I am detaching more. Its like I was mad at him for how his behavior had made ME act in a negative fashion. It also made me determined to be a better person to those outside our marriage - to stop the bleed over of negative feelings caused by whats going on.
He called about noon today to tell me he'll be home at 5. I was putting food in the oven and just didn't grab the phone in time. He left this whiny message about 'I know you don't want to talk to me..." It really grated on my ears, as if he is somehow the injured party because I wasn't there to hop to when he called. Yes, I have alot of anger but am trying to act as if when he's here. <sigh>
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Well, if finally happened. On friday when we came home from work, my husband handed me a copy of the preliminary paperwork for divorce. Looks like he is very serious and wants to go through with it.
He had recently had some bloodwork done that showed lots of negative results. A year after we were first married he was diagnosed with a serious disease, something we have been dealing with for 12 years but I think it also contributed to his MLC. He seems pretty convinced that 'he only has a few years left' and doesn't want to be tied down to me and our business.
When I got upset, its like he couldn't understand why on earth I would feel that way. His statement was "you knew this was coming."
Later in the evening when I had calmed down a bit, we started talking. He ran down an amazing list of horrible things that I supposedly did for the past 10 years of our marriage. To hear him talk, its like he never had a happy moment for the last decade. I didn't argue with him, all I did was say either "I remember things differently, or I'm sorry you feel that way." It was so sad that just a few months ago first I was the perfect wife, then he had been unhappy for a few months, then it changed into a few years, and now its the last decade. I am wondering if next time we talk the time will extend right up until our wedding day!
I have no doubt that the OW has been coloring his recollections, as several stories he told had such a negative slant which I no way remember. I can just imagine the OW "you mean your wife never did X? I would have loved to have done X with you, I can't wait to do X with you....."
Do their perceptions change once they have left? I wanted to say to my H, "if I was really so horrible to you I'm surprised you were able to stick it out for 10 years." Of course I didn't, but really marveled at how negative and depressed he seems about our whole past, which until his MLC I thought was wonderful.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Their perceptions will change once replay/depression and withdrawal have been completed. They see the world in black and white...we see the world in colors. They view the glass as half empty, we view it as half full. Depression really does warp their sense of reality.
You handled the conversation quite well. His comments are his view of reality right now. Listen, but don't buy into the rewriting of history as it is all part of his journey.
Keep the focus on you and your life for now, for you know what is "live" and what is "memorex".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Snodderly. It just hurts me to think that he cannot look on our marriage without any happiness. Before his MLC I thought we were 'perfect' other than the usual small ups and downs. Its so sad to me that he can only see darkness. I truly want him to be happy, but feel like at this point he just doesn't know what happiness is.
H started to bring boxes home and is slowly packing his stuff. At least he is trying to be helpful by showing me things around the house and business, but I still am afraid I will be lost without him. I keep thinking, "this may be the last time I see this... or this may be the last time he helps me with that..." It is very hard to not be sad all of the time.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
It is always difficult when they do these things, i.e., packing and showing you things around the home. It's normal to feel sad. After all, you are in the grieving mode.
Once he has packed up all of his things, think about redecorating, moving things around. It will help to fill the empty void in the room, closets, drawers, etc.
But most importantly, be kind to yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
