MH - If it makes you feel any better, my H was like that as well while in the affair and still at home. Everything I did was annoying to him...yes my driving too. Or he didn't like how I wash the dishes or how I play with my glasses when I'm thinking....every little stupid thing. I would hear him sigh all the time.
It stopped when he moved out, he was actually very nice to me and even started complimenting me on many things including my looks. Go figure....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thank you, WhatNow, but I'm really starting to question whether my H is in a MLC or not. He's behaving like himself again, he's just cut me out - if that makes any sense. There's no anger, depression, confusion, drinking, he's just convinced himself that I'm out of his life.
Trying very hard to leave him in God's hands, it's so hard because I don't see the daily workings on his heart, and it feels like it's the end to me.
I'm not saying that from a place of fear, although I do feel fear, but from a place of what feels like realism to me. It just feels like my H has left me entirely and he's just fine about it.
Mila, thanks for stopping by. My H is not showing overt hostility any more, or even annoyance, I just read him well because we've been together so long. Did your husband show overt annoyance, or was it subtle?
I feel very much this morning like going out and dating. I don't understand this feeling at all, like I just want to move on already. I didn't feel this last time.
I have also questioned a lot whether my H is on the bb and reading these threads. I wonder if I could get any support over on the alt for these questions...
I just went for a drive to think things through and I used a digital recorder to record my thoughts while driving.
One note is that my voice sounds depressed. I wouldn't have known that if I had not used the recorder. H doesn't have to "smell" out my fear/sadness, he knows from listening to me. Now, I feel depressed when I'm around H, which is one thing that came clear while I was driving and thinking.
Some clarity came to me while driving, and the first is above. When I am away from H for any length of time, I feel strong, confident and forward moving. As soon as we spend any time together at all, I'm unsure, depressed, sad, angry, hurt, and impotent.
Part of why I feel like this is that I am letting him treat me like a doormat. I told him when he agreed to no contact that I wanted to work on the marriage and he can have his freedom to "find" himself, which is what he says he wants to do. It's not what he's doing, he's running around with OW, using me to maintain the house and the kids, and spending "feel good" time with me and the kids once a week - so now I feel like not standing up for myself is causing me to feel like a doormat, which is further depressing me and holding me back from becoming great and self fulfilled.
So, the question is, do I go dim? I could go dark and leave him to take care of everything behind me. The kids are ready to go down south to live with their mom, which would NOT be a good idea (past abuse in that house). So, I really feel like I'm stuck to take care of the kids, I may be their only chance at any normalcy right now. They're 16 and 20, so they don't need a lot of care, but they do need some. Emotionally they need me right now, especially the twins.
I really believe after taking that hour to think things through that what is holding me back is allowing the contact between H and I to continue. It hurts me and drags me down every time I see him and like say he wants to work on our M, or even ADMIT that something strange is going on... instead of acting like everything is fine and it's normal for two people to live like roommates like this.
As soon as we spend any time together at all, I'm unsure, depressed, sad, angry, hurt, and impotent.
See, your body and intuition is starting to tell you it could be time to do something different. Is it going dim? What would that look like? What are the things you haven't tried yet?
For me, I feel like I did everything except going dim so that is what made me do it- not to mention he is going to D me so might as well? lol! And I feel like a huge weight has been lifted every time I don't have to see him....which is 90% time.
Are you thinking of something like you move out or he moves out? Or do you want to try something like severe 180 in house...cutting off things you used to do. Being busy and gone. Not talking to him much except hi and bye....what types of things?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I felt like you. When H wasn't in contact I was happily detached but if he called he easily sucked me back in. Until now.
Last week I had a very odd 48 hours when I felt like kicking my marriage into touch and finding lots of things I wanted to do, some hobbies I had before we had the children.
Since then I have been totally detached and he has been here 4 times this week! It is almost like a water shed when you realise you can no longer go on being bounced around.
I am now calm and have no anxiety. I don't think of him often and even then it is whether he has arranged something for the kids. I know he is with OW but can't do anything about it. I also think he notices a change in me. I am always positive, friendly etc but this last week I am not only positive but relaxed and content. There is a strength about me I never had before.
Maybe you are now at this crossroads when your inner self is saying time to detach properly to wait. I haven't gone dim because of the children but I have definately detached and love him from afar.
I really believe after taking that hour to think things through that what is holding me back is allowing the contact between H and I to continue. It hurts me and drags me down every time I see him
I have come through this part. Which is why I posted to you that you will know when this needs to happen. Your pain will tell you...
...I think you hear it now.
I had to go NC for a couple of weeks. On the other side of this very hard excercise is peace and strength.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thank you all for your posts. I have to think, newmama, still what this means. I want him to move out, but I would not ask for that. More like just not being available and leaving the room, etc.
I'll think that through and post before making any moves.
Libby and Truegritter, you have given me hope that although I am scared to death to do this, it's what I need to do for me.
Quote:
On the other side of this very hard exercise is peace and strength.
This is what I need and I need to hear. Thank you all. I don't want to do this, I really, really don't. I want to do what worked for me before, during his last A, but this A is different, it's different in how it feels and how he's treating me. For one thing, we still had a strong friendship and were hanging out constantly during his first A... this time he is hanging with OW and leaving me entirely alone (with the kids)
My stepdaughter, at 16 years old, is wise beyond her years. She said tonight that (1) she thinks of Dad as having multiple personality disorder, and (2) that I should not push him or address him when he's the alien because his "other" will stay in charge of his mind, and if you don't push him, his "other" will be put away. Also, she texted DSS20 and asked if he knew that his dad was lying to him when he said he was sleeping in the living room b/c of his snoring and he said yes, he knew that. They're not stupid, and are upset that H is lying to them.
MH...wow! YOu have done a lot of thinking and asking questions of yourself. It is possible to be dim with your H living with you. It is totally up to you and what you are comfortable with and if someone leaves, it should be your H but with your children being step children...how would that work?
Whatever you decide, I know you will be ok!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
CW - this is my house, I have dogs, poultry, and the kids to consider. DSD will live with me and at least one DSS would... probably both would stay with me.
And since I KNOW that he will come back around at the end of this, after growing (both of us) and have a GREAT R - it would be best for them if he left. LOL
Seriously, I don't think he will leave, though. The house is not huge but big enough to be able to avoid him... plus he's out overnight with OW most nights.
